#1
A newer piece.. tell me what you think, hope you like it..


So many, words being left unsaid
I'm feeling, my heart as heavy as lead
Now I'm wondering, as I lay in bed
Believe me, never thought this could shred

So I'll try, to make it all seem fine,
But the words inside, never comes out right

I'm sorry for everything I am doing to hurt you
And I'm begging you please to let me be with you
I don't know where I belong
In this world of being wrong
So will you forgive and not let me live without you

Now that, you're not always here
Everything, seems much more clear
My feelings, will never disappear
Through the days, I have to strain another tear

So I'll try, to make it all seem fine,
But the words inside, never comes out right

I'm sorry for everything I am doing to hurt you
And I'm begging you please to let me be with you
I don't know where I belong
In this world of being wrong
So will you forgive and not let me live without you

I've always tried for my emotions to untwine
But I always mask my pain and try to leave it behind
Kill all my darkness and see what's more to gain
I want to let you know how much I feel your pain

I'm sorry for everything I am doing to hurt you
And I'm begging you please to let me be with you
I don't know where I belong
In this world of being wrong
So will you forgive and not let me live without you
#2
pretty good i have trouble getting that far. i'm ussaully like nope this absolutly suck into the first twos verses into my lyrics. these are good just look em over and make sure they are exactly what you what them to mean, if you know what im saying
#3
Thanks! hahah, yeah I'm usually like that too. But yeah, I'll make sure I look it over..

Oh just so everyone knows, the third verse is the bridge. I guess I forgot to indicate where it it is.. ahah.
#4
So many, words being left unsaid
I'm feeling, my heart as heavy as lead
Now I'm wondering, as I lay in bed
Believe me, never thought this could shred


okay, so the first thing that I obviously noticed was that your rhyme scheme is AAAA. and that's just baaaaad. ABAB or AABB are cliche enough, but AAAA BBBB CCCC will ruin even the best songs, IMO.

I like the first line. heavy as lead seems a little cliche, try using something more descriptive.
then you could change line four to rhyme with line two.


So I'll try, to make it all seem fine,
But the words inside, never comes out right
I'm sorry for everything I am doing to hurt you
And I'm begging you please to let me be with you
I don't know where I belong
In this world of being wrong
So will you forgive and not let me live without you


In the second line, change "comes" to "come". Also, I'm a little confused with the third line. If he's sorry for what he's still doing, why doesn't he stop?
In the last line, the internal rhyme sounds a little weird, but if you like it you can keep it. However, it has way too many syllables - it doesn't really flow at all.


Now that, you're not always here
Everything, seems much more clear
My feelings, will never disappear
Through the days, I have to strain another tear


This stanza seems to conflict with the one before it. Especially the second line. It really just doesn't work. Also, you again used the AAAA rhyme scheme. The second part of the last line seems forced, like there's too much too it. (syllables).


I've always tried for my emotions to untwine
But I always mask my pain and try to leave it behind
Kill all my darkness and see what's more to gain
I want to let you know how much I feel your pain


Again, the rhyming: 1 and 2 is a slant rhyme. It just doesn't quite rhyme - try using rhymezone or something to find a good word. You did ditch the AAAA scheme, which is good.
I don't really like the first line... the order's just too weird for me.
The second line is fine, and in your third line I like the third line a lot. However... it just doesn't seem to go with the fourth line. Seems kind of random.


So overall, this piece is just okay. There's a lot of things you can work on to make this a much better piece. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I just think there's a lot you can do with these lyrics.

Focus on the rhyming, the central theme (a lot of the lines don't seem to relate to each other too well), and using more visual/auditory language (I tell almost everyone that, because rarely do people ever use enough of it).
Keep working on this, because it's a real good start. It just needs to have some time put into it to make it work.


materialholics or powerless?