#1
ok, first shot at writing some song lyrics, more or less to go with death/black metal style music. The theme shouldnt be too hard to understand.


thus crept forth
from your web of lies
the truth beheld
right before your eyes

(whispered) it comes from within


this treacherous idea
brought forth without disgrace
it clings ever tighter
one departs without a trace

(whispered) tis deception of thine self


harvest wisdom granted
see ones self in true light
be no apparitions slave
enbrace in rightful might

(whispered) your truth a perpetual lie


chorus:
an enigma utterly feared
in the minds of masses
to those of true perception
an impedence on free will


(note: I put the chorus just at the bottom because I havent decided how I would like to disperse it throughout the song)
Last edited by JayWalker256 at Apr 29, 2008,
#2
Quote by JayWalker256
ok, first shot at writing some song lyrics, more or less to go with death/black metal style music. The theme shouldnt be too hard to understand.


thus crept forth
from your web of lies
the truth beheld
right before your eyes

sounds good, but remember songs dont need to follow any particular grammatical structure so you can leave out "from" or "right" i think it would sound better

(whispered) it comes from within
whispered. sounds alittle cliche, but if you do it right it might work, but i get what your saying about this, we're causeing our problems

this treacherous idea
brought forth without disgrace
it clings ever tighter
one departs without a trace

good imagry, i like the clings ever tighter, it show a good image. but i would use a different word that one, it comes off pretencious. but if you like it keep it in

(whispered) tis deception of thine self

once again kinda pretencious, but if you like it, then by all means. i like the theme, of self deception, it works with the style

harvest wisdom granted
see ones self in true light
be no apparitions slave
enbrace in rightful might

alittle vague in this one, sounds like your trying to make it sound different than your style, no offense, try using bigger words

(whispered) your truth a perpetual lie
good word use here, perpetual lie works great

chorus:
an enigma utterly feared
in the minds of masses
to those of true perception
an impedence on free will

no real rhyme stucture here, dont know if it was intentional, maybe fix it up a bit, throw the chorus in more, add some bigger words to replace the smaller ones, and i think it would work, oh and try to be less vague

ok would you mind looking at mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=848174