#1
Bit of fun. C4C

She looked at me with the same look a horney priest gives an altar boy. The type of gaze that says, "Yeah, I know I shouldn't; but you'll do." A chill ran down what little spine I had left, now I know how a cheap hooker feels. I'd spent years learning how to combat the piercing looks of women who know what they want and when I learned how to resist pouty lips and puppy eyes my ex-wives moved on to slightly more direct methods of getting what they wanted.

I lost thoracic vertebrae number six to my first wife. She wanted a cat, I wanted a dog. So we compromised and she got a cat and I got tire tracks across my legs for complaining about it.

I lost lumbar number three to an old girlfriend. I found out she was cheating on me, so I brought it up casually in conversation: "Hey, umm, I heard you are fucking Adam?" She didn't take it well, and I ended up apologizing to her for following her to Adam's place.

I lost cervical vertebrae one to my second wife two weeks ago. I'm still not sure what I did to deserve that one. But I apparently deserved it. I also deserved her throwing me out on the street, I suppose.

Needless to say, I know how to be my baby's bitch. This one seemed different though. She walked with less authority than the ones that usually bend my ego over the table. She had a swagger, but it didn't say, "I'm the most amazing thing that ever lived and you shall worship me," it said, "hey, I'm here and I'm confident." She was just what I needed coming off such a recent divorce, a rebound... and I was just the type of guy she needed, one with working gear. She sloshed down beside me.

I opened the conversation. "What type of perfume is that? Bourbon?" She shot me another look. "No, it's divorce, now kindly piss off." She was awfully pleasant. She was right though, I could smell it on her, she had a new meaning in life. That was what her stride was saying, it was telling the world that she was free of her free-loader and ready to be out again.

"I know that smell, can you smell it on me?" She nodded without even considering what I had said. I called the bartender down and ordered her a drink. And then another, and another. Alcohol is the best way to open someone's diary, don't even have to steal the key, they'll just read it to you. She did.

I glanced at my watch, she'd been talking for hours and I was ready to go home.
"Look, I'm sorry its been so rough on you lately, and you've been lovely, but I've
gotta go." She was devastated.
"But don't you wanna take me home with you?" She winked and caressed her lips with her tongue.
"I don't think so, you've been talking about the diseases you got from your husband for the past twenty minutes."

With that, I walked to my car. Pulling out of the parking lot, I turned back and passed the bar. That was where I saw her again, standing on the corner talking to the 'ladies of the night.' I stopped. "Can I at least give you a ride home?"

"Nah, at this point you're just another lost transaction."
Last edited by ZanasCross at May 1, 2008,
#2
i'm really diggin this. your voice is coming along well.

however, i did find the tone a bit cocky, too confident almost. which hindered the connection between me and the narrator; also dragged the whole piece down because the speech later on would have been more powerful if i'd have liked the character better earlier on. it's a little too sarcastic for my tastes: i always think of sarcasm as the lowest form of humor, designed to make somebody feel small or insignificant. obviously here, unless i'm wrong, it isn't used to make anybody feel like **** but it does give me a slight feeling of "oh, you cocky bastard."

but the piece massively improved, for me, around the paragraph beginning with "Needless to say, I know how to be my baby's bitch." the tone seemed to shift from a little arrogant to a little more thoughtful; friendly. the speech is good throughout the piece, felt like i was right there with you. although, i wasn't too big on the whole 'She had a swagger, but it didn't say, "blah blah blah"' kinda thing, i felt you overused the 'speech' to illustrate her character. towards the end that whole idea wasn't feeling natural enough.

an enjoyable read, zC. And hopefully i can come back later with some more points, but that'll do for now i guess. uhm, you've got to all of mine, so just get to my next one. (which i am sure you will).

edit- i forgot to say, i really like the "I lost thoracic vertabrae number six to my first wife." kind of sentences. great ideas.
Last edited by samoo at Apr 30, 2008,
#3
the wording of the first paragraph seemed a bit forced and awkward to me. like maybe your idea for the intro wasnt quite developed yet, so you had to strain to get it there. i have no idea if that's how it actually was... but thats how it felt to me.

i did like this, though.

i'll be back for more later.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#4
Hey .

I found this a lot more appealing and easy to read than the last piece of yours I read [the God Pikachu one]. I read the entire thing with a smile on my face, and I was captivated throughout it. So 'grats there.

There are a few parts that I think could be reworded/reworked however.

A chill ran down what little spine I had left, now I know how a cheap hooker feels. I'd spent years learning how to combat the piercing looks of women who know what they want, that's why I have no spine left;

I think that would read better if you switched the first two phrases around - the spine and hooker lines. The last spine part is off. You first say you have 'little spine' now you have 'no spine'. I'd prefer it more if it was something like 'which is why the scarecrow pole between my ribs is so rotten'. etc. Lol, okay, maybe I took it out of context and made a metaphor that you won't want to use, but you get the idea.

"Hey, umm, why are you ****ing Adam?"

I don't really like this speech. It just doesn't sound like something you'd say, even if it was casually. It seems too blunt. Even it you changed it to something like 'So, uh, I heard you're ****ing Adam?'

"What type of perfume is that? Bourbon?" She shot me another look.
"No, it's divorce, now kindly piss off." She was awfully plesant. She was right though, I could smell it on her, she had a new meaning in life. That was what her stride was saying, it was telling the world that she was free of her free-loader and ready to be out again.

I couldn't tell who was saying what here... could be just me. I think it needs clarifying. Also, 'pleasant'.

Ohhhh! Just read the last few lines again. Great punchline. At first I didn't get it, but now I do.

Ah, that's class.

I can't say much that I dislike about this. Just a few bits I thought read awkwardly etc. My fav. thing by you I think.

Looking forward to the crit on mine.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#5
yo.
i'm at work right now, but i'm gonna come back later.
the only thing that's currently bothering me is how the last line read.

"Nah, at this point you are just a lost transaction."

with the use of the slang "Nah" at the beginning, it seems like the rest of the sentence is too well spoken for the character it's backing. me thinks it could be remedied with something little, like combining "you" and "are" into "you're," but that's just my opinion.

idk, like i said, i'll be back with more.

btw; thank you for the comment on "volume 1...."