#1
a sound of departure; volume 1.

"Irrevocable Considerations."


We spent most of the night in her car;
in the park's afterhours, talking about
how the time's treated us and whether
or not we felt like our "______"
was a good thing.

Most of the conversation belonged to
cigarettes and rapid eye movement.


I watched her validity
expand to suspension,
compiling any comprehension
she could grasp.
Concealing a cloak
of unwanted intention;
she's singing requiems
to finish the past.

I'm moving in the hindsight
to cover my tracks;
I can't let significance catch me.
The weirdest way to word the
wonder caught in intervention;
this is happening,
and my foot's stuck in the railings.

The first of a 3-part series.
#2
I watched her validity
expand to suspension,
compiling any comprehension
she could grasp.
Concealing a cloak
of unwanted intention;
she's singing requiems
to finish the past.


Well done, very well done stanza.

I'm never a fan of stuff such as "______" but i guess that's a personal thing. I always take it tha it would be difficult if I ever read the piece out

I think it should just be "moving in hindsight" in the last stanza. "the" kinda trips the flow slightly and just seems uneeded, and wherever you can cut words without lsoing effect/meaning/flow I think you should do so.

This was a hugely intriguing piece. It didn't have that forced-metaphor voice, it didn't have pretension and it was strong and consistent throughout.

So, I may have not nominated you, but I do agree with Joris that you totally deserve it this month (along with my nom of Nick). You two have produced some great stuff this month.

So, yeah. It's cool when new guys join and are as cool and excting as the two of you.

EDIT: Not that you're a new guy, after reading your reg date.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Apr 30, 2008,
#5
spanks alot, Joris and Jamie.

don't hold back, Zach. <--see, it rhymes.

EDIT: i think i just failed. hard.
Last edited by ottoavist at Apr 30, 2008,
#6
Quote by ottoavist


We spent most of the night in her car;
in the park's afterhours, talking about
how the time's treated us and whether
or not we felt like our "______"
was a good thing.

bleh to this. I've read through this, and this is the weakest part. Not to be a dick, but I've noticed your openings tend to suffer a lot when you have an exceptional paragraph in the middle... you tend to just stick something on that works, but doesn't really capture the same epicness as teh good stanza. This one reeked of over-complication and bland. The bland came as your first two openers, sure... they word... they set a scene... but there is no hook, no intrigue, no pizazz. If you want to hook the reader you need something a little more in your opener than a car and a girl (for instance a naked girl in a car ). Then we come to the "_____". Obviously, you've read my pieces, that is not my style. But beyond that, it was a cheap gimmick to give an un meaningful line more meaning... to make it seem more artsy and well thought out. To me, you'd have been better off giving me something hard and using a shock factor of some sort or a witty idea of some sort to hook me. Could just be me though.

Most of the conversation belonged to
cigarettes and rapid eye movement.

First genuinely decent idea and couplet in the piece. I liked it, simple but original and catchy.

I watched her validity
expand to suspension,
compiling any comprehension
she could grasp.
Concealing a cloak
of unwanted intention;
she's singing requiems
to finish the past.

Lyrical honey. Smooth, tasty, with just enough kick to give me an O-face. Good work here.

I'm moving in the hindsight
to cover my tracks;
I can't let significance catch me.
The weirdest way to word the
wonder caught in intervention;
this is happening,
and my foot's stuck in the railings.

Didn't like 4,5,6. Liked the alliteration and the poeticism, however, I can't help but feel that the idea got sacrificed for the wordplay. It took me 4 times of reading that to catch what you were saying, because it read so quickly and so urgently that my mouth was going 100x my brain to read it and nothing came out. I'm still not sure I entirely appreciate what it says. Mostly, "caught in intervention" is throwing me off.



All in all, not a bad read. Second stanza canceled out the first part, and hte third was average. Feel like we're a bit back to square one though, a phenomenal stanza surrounded by menial ideas and half-ass execution. You're getting better, Kent... can't wait to see where you go next.

Have a new one up, "Lost in Transaction" no idea who owes who at this point... I'm sure I probably owe you. So you can read if you want, it not... cool

-zC
#7
so, i've tried to crit this a few times, and i just can't think of any suggestions i can give you. i pretty much love this.

ooh, i do agree with jamie about the hindsight line. it would feel much more fluid and smooth if you take out the "the."

other than that, i can't see any way you could improve on this. it's pretty damn good, kid.

oh, and i saw that zach called you kent... so i'm assuming that's your name. but just so you know, i'm still gonna call you otto. because it makes me happy.


ray
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#8
^
oh, and i saw that zach called you kent... so i'm assuming that's your name.


Indeed.

but just so you know, i'm still gonna call you otto. because it makes me happy.


Yes ma'am.

Zach, I'll be getting to your's in a little while. Thanks for the comments though people.
#9
Thanks for the comment on my piece. I liked this a lot, there were a lot of turns in it that made me go back and forth to kind of piece it together. Very good flow, and the stanza that sticks out especially for me is the first. It's got something to it. Nice man.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#10
i didn't get into this.

i thought your previous works had cleverer word play, more interesting vocab, and also more original subjects.

this suffered from lack of those three things, in my opinion.

but however, i will be reading the next part. because i know you're a good writer.
#11
thank you very much, sirs.

i think i understand where you're(Samoo) coming from, and i very much appreciate your thoughts. i think i tried too hard to sum up these "ice breaker" thoughts in such cramped stanzas.
i'll definitely be taking this into consideration for the next.

btw; i'll be reading your next, also.