#1
I realize the songs kind of emo but it is what it is...


You’d think she means a lot to me
The way our conversation’s carrying on

Using only body language to speak our minds
The truth is I already forgot her name…

And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see you across the room
And I’m trying with every muscle in my body to make you squirm

I’m watching the envy turn you green

And maybe the intricacies of this game will destroy us both
But by nights end I will have you crying in the bathroom stall, I swear
That means I win

Maybe it’s petty, and tomorrow I’ll feel ashamed
But the look on your face makes any remorse worth it, I promise

Locked in that bathroom stall, would you take your shoe laces and make a noose?
I hear that works in prisons. Or maybe use the necklace I got you last year.
Last edited by Slick_KH at Apr 30, 2008,
#2
Definitely emo, and I'm not sure I understand the connection. As far as I see it... you're talking to one girl but you've really got your eye on another across the room, but I can't see why this would lead to the other girl hanging herself? Unless you're that much of a catch.

This was pretty well-written though - I could see it becoming a good song. On one last note, though - the final line reminds me of this awful Fall Out Boy song. I forget exactly how it goes, but it's something like "wear me like a locket around your throat / i'll weigh you down and watch you choke / you look so good in blue". Obviously the connection wasn't intentional, but the way you talked about essentially choking/hanging oneself and looking good in blue in the same sentence left me feeling like I'd heard it all before. Just my two cents, LOL.
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
Last edited by Acoustic_ at Apr 30, 2008,
#3
Aaah, I edited the last line to avoid any similiarities. Thank you.

The theme I was going for was the girl across the room being an ex-girlfriend. The hanging (of course not literal) was from jealousy of seeing her ex now out with another girl, while the ex all along could care less about her and is just trying to make the ex-girlfriend jealous.

Let me know if you have anything you want me to crit.
#4
Nah, you don't owe me anything - this wasn't much of a crit.

Anyway, I prefer the new last line - it ties together and better explains your theme along with removing any accidental similarities. Like I said, this could make a good song someday. Let me know if you record it or anything.
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
#5
Quote by Acoustic_
Nah, you don't owe me anything - this wasn't much of a crit.

Anyway, I prefer the new last line - it ties together and better explains your theme along with removing any accidental similarities. Like I said, this could make a good song someday. Let me know if you record it or anything.


Will do, thanks alot for the help.