#1
I will let you take your own ideas of what this piece is about, I see it as two people fighting. C4C, thank you.


He can hear the traffic
From the streets below,
Several stories, past too many viewers
He's dragged back into the situation
By talks of never being in love
His cigarette has vanished, burnt out
He is sitting up in the bed
When did he even move?
'Did she push me again?'

She doesn't even understand,
The words that she speaks now
Shes looking for a response
But he is staring from another world
At first she choose her words carfully,
But now, what is the point?
She sits down on the other side
Of the bed, memories fading
'Does he not notice me anymore?'

Don't mess up the next sentence
Are we, were we,
Ever in love?
#2
I really enjoyed reading this piece. It just felt so real and down-to-earth. I thought the last stanza and the first two lines of the second stanza were great. I just have a couple of suggestions to a make. In the first stanza I would inverse the first and second lines. Same with the second stanza. Also I wasn't really feeling the last two lines of the first stanza. It just didn't impact me. And in the second stanza, the "staring from another world" line, I think could be replaced. Maybe someting like "he's looking for his cigarettes". Anyways, nice job, man.

Crit mine please
This Isn't Your Birthday Present