#1
Buses

"Bloody Men are like bloody buses -
You wait for about a year
And as soon as one approaches
Two or three more appear."

-Wendy Cope, Bloody Men


You can't expect to come on board
And direct the bloody thing;
There's a destination on the sign
And a timetable you should read.

We'll reach first kiss at three hours
First shag might be just four.
Or maybe there'll be roadworks
With traffic jams galore.

The crossroads conversation
Should come up in several months
But that road is known for potholes
So please strap in at once.

Don't blame me if I break down
You saw the bus arrive;
It's current state was obvious -
Struggling to survive.

You only need to read the numbers
To know each buses bearing;
Though any one would turn around
If you were a bit more caring.

So yes, it might take some time
And there may be more than one;
But even if it drops you short
At least you'd have some fun.


C4C my pwetties.
#2
I liked this. It had a very nice feeling and a cool sense of melody, at least inside my head. I liked the overall flow, and the last bit! Keep up the good work!

Maybe crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=849738
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Quote by Lord-O-Donuts
Banned for being the coolest April 08'er on UG.


please check out my own album:
almilano.bandcamp.com
#3
This was alright Jamie. I can't pick out points that I felt was weak, as the piece itself is very solid in its entirity. Just I felt this lacked a killer punch in some way, the opportunity was there for some wit and I just didn't feel it. Sure, it is well written and very reader friendly, idk, it lacked something.

There was one line that stood out to me "Struggling to survive." - That really felt out of place, most of the piece is based on the reader reading into each stanza themselves, that final line really forced an image at the reader, one that they could have drawn themselves.

Still a good piece, average for you though.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
First of all let me say that I think this type of rewriting suits you best. I always refer your more humorous pieces over your serious/poeticy ones. (Yes, I made up a word). Anyways, the flow was great and it was a real smooth read. However, I didn't like the first two lines of the second stanza. I found myself tripping over it, but I think that some words jsut need to be rearranged. In the last stanza, I think you should say "But if your bus drops you short". Not much of a change but I think it kind of helps with imagery. Anyways, nice piece.

Crit mine please
This Isn't Your Birthday Present
#5
This was alright Jamie. I can't pick out points that I felt was weak, as the piece itself is very solid in its entirity. Just I felt this lacked a killer punch in some way, the opportunity was there for some wit and I just didn't feel it. Sure, it is well written and very reader friendly, idk, it lacked something.


Exactly my feelings on it, Steve.

Thank madza and Joseph. I'll get back to yous.
#6
hi jamie i'm ray. i don't think i've told you that yet...


"Bloody Men are like bloody buses -
You wait for about a year
And as soon as one approaches
Two or three more appear."
-Wendy Cope, Bloody Men


You can't expect to come on board
And direct the bloody thing;
There's a destination on the sign
And a timetable you should read.
i really like how the voice here matches that of the quote. it feels like an imagined continuation of the original quote, or your answer to her. niice.

We'll reach first kiss at three hours
First shag might be just four.
Or maybe there'll be roadworks
With traffic jams galore.
galore is such a cheesy word. i'm not sure why, but it puts this image in my head of a really nerdy father figure wearing a graph paper patterned shirt and dark brown chinos sitting at a breakfast table and dribbling milk down his chin. i have no idea why that makes sense in my head... anyways, back to the issue at hand. i feel like you might have known the cheesiness of the word galore, maybe not outright, but somewhere in your subconscious you knew, but didn't acknowledge it because it rhymed so well. this is why i generally dislike such strict rhyme schemes. they force writers to make decisions the may not necessarily make if writing in free verse.

The crossroads conversation
Should come up in several months
But that road is known for potholes
So please strap in at once.

Don't blame me if I break down i think you need some sort of punctuation at the end of this line.
You saw the bus arrive;
It's current state was obvious -
Struggling to survive.

You only need to read the numbers
To know each buses bearing;
Though any one would turn around
If you were a bit more caring.
this stanza didnt flow quite as well as the rest have. it feels a little bit heavy on the syllables.

So yes, it might take some time
And there may be more than one;
But even if it drops you short
At least you'd have some fun.
i felt like this stanza was kind of unnecessary. the ending would be really strong if you'd left it with the last stanza, but this one takes away the impact. zach told me this exact same thing about the last piece i posted, but it feels like you're trying to sum-up the rest of the piece in this last stanza. kind of like an essay-like conclusion. it's not necessary, and it brings down the ending of the piece.

soooooo i liked this. i usually hate reading pieces with this kind of rhyming pattern, but i enjoyed reading this one. its a really interesting idea.

and thanks for critting mine
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#7
honestly Jamie, i've been going back and forth over this trying to configure my thoughts on it. i think i'm just going to take the cop-out this time and agree in complete with THW.

needless to say though, i did like this one a ton better than the last.
you show a great respect for rhyme pattern and technique; and for this, i give much respect back.
#8
Ta Ray ( ) and Kent.

Steve/Kent - Looking back, the ending is definitely the problem. While I do think the rest of the epiece is sharp enough, the ending is far too juvenile and wishy-washy to really be of any use. It begged to be the head of a pin but it was really just a pencil.

Ah well. I'm just liking now being in a block which I was in for so long.

Thanks again.
#9
Buses

"Bloody Men are like bloody buses -
You wait for about a year
And as soon as one approaches
Two or three more appear."

-Wendy Cope, Bloody Men


You can't expect to come on board
And direct the bloody thing;
There's a destination on the sign
And a timetable you should read.

This was good, with the exception of "a timetable you should read." That was hard to pronounce and detracted from the flow a little.

We'll reach first kiss at three hours
First shag might be just four.
Or maybe there'll be roadworks
With traffic jams galore.

The counting in the first couplet and rhyming it with "galore" gave this one a very nursery school feel. It was too bouncy, but still strong.

The crossroads conversation
Should come up in several months
But that road is known for potholes
So please strap in at once.

This is really good, but the last line seemed like a very forced rhyme. I don't know how one would replace that, so it doesn't bother me. Strong.

Don't blame me if I break down
You saw the bus arrive;
It's current state was obvious -
Struggling to survive.

This is my favorite so far. I wouldn't change anything about it.

You only need to read the numbers
To know each buses bearing;
Though any one would turn around
If you were a bit more caring.

There are too many syllables in "If you were a bit more caring." Well, maybe not too many, but "a bit" sections off the line strangely.

So yes, it might take some time
And there may be more than one;
But even if it drops you short
At least you'd have some fun.

I agree with Ray, this one seemed unnecessary. It seemed like too much of a summary, almost moral-like.

C4C my pwetties.

Really good, though, I like the idea. I also like how you quoted your inspiration, like how Poe did. It didn't really seem to go anywhere, though. I felt it kind of stayed within bounds, so to speak.

EDIT: Oh yeah, and if you could crit my new one, "Insisting on Innocence," that'd be nice. =D
Last edited by my name is Pete at May 1, 2008,
#10
are you writing from the woman's perspective?

enjoyed this one.

sorry, i might have some points tomorrow. very tired
#12
Yeah I could go along with that, (about the ending) I think to turn this around you have to look at the very last line, the ones before it do just enough to connect the piece to its beginning. I wouldn't even say it's wishy-washy, just too similar to the opening/the expression that it feels like the rest of the piece offered nothing more than an overblown explaination of the expression. I mean you did try to offer a new view on it, but it felt too predictable for want of a better word.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.