#1
ok so i've had this one up on my blog for a while, thought i'd post it in hear, seeing as how its been 2 days since my last song post, i can post another.

you all know the story, i made it into a song, hope you all like it:


with wings of wax and highest hopes,
I stand alone at chasms edge,
I step out on the hollow air,
I'll soar to you, this I will pledge.

And my wings will melt,
and I will fall, fall, fall,
the wax drips down
and I will call, call, call
in to the air....

with arrogance and sirens songs,
the perfect time to test the fates,
a solemn lesson to be learned,
but treasured freedom still awaits,

And my wings will melt,
and I will fall, fall, fall,
the wax drips down
and I will call, call, call
in to the air....

____________
style soft acoustic,
chords:verse is C B A chord progression with a capo on the 4th
chorus is Em G D with the capo.
Last edited by aaron6890 at May 1, 2008,
#2
For Starters. There is no point in giving people the chords to the song. They have no idea of the strumming pattern or the vocal melody. Sorry to start off like a dick, just thought I would throw that out there.

Quote by aaron6890
ok so i've had this one up on my blog for a while, thought i'd post it in hear, seeing as how its been 2 days since my last song post, i can post another.

you all know the story, i made it into a song, hope you all like it:


with wings of wax and highest hopes,
I stand alone at chasms edge,
I step out on the hollow air,
my only fear, your stoic stare.
(First line is a great opener. First three words of second line are too bland and cliche. Although for some reason I like "chasms edge". Last two lines are not rhymed well at all. Sounds very forced. Also It already seems like you are going to be hiding behind a vocabulary with this. Like using the word "stoic" when it really isn't needed (I get the alliteration idea, but the rhyme still sucked.)

And my wings will melt,
and I will fall, fall, fall,
the wax drips down
and I will call, call, call
in to the air....
(Seems like your hitting the chorus too early. Not enough built up yet. Maybe go straight into the second verse without this chorus. Other than that The chorus is alright, Nothing real creative, but then again it just needs to be catchy right.)

with arrogance and sirens songs,
the perfect time to test the fates,
a solemn lesson to be learned,
but treasured freedom still awaits,
(This is actually quite well written. Nice job.)

And my wings will melt,
and I will fall, fall, fall,
the wax drips down
and I will call, call, call
in to the air....

____________
style soft acoustic,
chords:verse is C B A chord progression with a capo on the 4th
chorus is Em G D with the capo.


My overall feeling towards this is "Meh." It just never really gave me that feeling of goodness ya know? Its good and all, its just not hitting me in the right spot.
#3
Quote by bluesybilly
For Starters. There is no point in giving people the chords to the song. They have no idea of the strumming pattern or the vocal melody. Sorry to start off like a dick, just thought I would throw that out there.


My overall feeling towards this is "Meh." It just never really gave me that feeling of goodness ya know? Its good and all, its just not hitting me in the right spot.

first off thank you, i know the chords dont really matter, i just copied and pasted it from my blog, in which i was trying to state that i had actually finished a song completely.

i get what you mean by the first verse, and your right i do hide alot behind my vocabulary, maybe i should mix up the lines a bit. change the first verse around, trash the last lines, maybe the last line should be "to rip the truth from that alleged" or "i'll soar to you, that i will pledge"

i think i left the chorus short because i want the song to be short but sweet. where its unmistakably simple.
#4
I enjoy the idea, but personal opinion: Pop it up instead of a slow acoustic number. Sorry I'm listening to Vampire Weekend and I'm feeling in a poppy mood.

So for starters, it was quite well written, however, I agree with the previous critic, you should maybe cut the first chorus and maybe stretch out your chorus to two more verses or something (totally an opinion thing, don't do it if you don't want because frankly the song goes well with a chorus).

I know you've heard it time and again, but don't forget capitalization. Not a big thing, but it does kind of take from the effect of a piece when reading. Anyways, you can argue poetic license and all that so I don't mind too much.

I do enjoy the idea of making the myth into a story, it was well developed and contains some sweet imagery, but it seems too short really to leave an impression, which is a downfall with a lot of songs out these days, they shorten the verses so that songs can get airplay. What I do is I just write the song until I can't write anymore. Say EVERYTHING that you want to say about this dude. If you were Icarus and you were falling to your death, what would you be thinking about? Would you regret trying to emulate birds? Maybe throw in a thought that you were wrong and Zeus was right because he made birds fly and humans walk or something. So yeah just some ideas, but definitely if you have more verses or you feel there's more to say, say it! Of course, if you're strapped and you just can't write anything more, don't worry, you did a great job.

Anyways, keep on writing. If you like, I just put up a short story called Vinus Veritas, so if that's your cup of tea I'd love some revues.
#6
I'm a fan of Icarus themed songs

I wouldn't change much about it, although I don't think it can be much beyond a soft acoustic song
(it's no "The Melting Point Of Wax")
#7
I like it, actually you know what, i've been thinking around the whole Daedalus - Icarus theme a lot myself too, thanks to the awesome track Daedalus in Thrice's new album...

But yeah, i sorta like it. Though i've got this huge tendency to compare it to Melting Point of Wax or Daedalus, i've gotta say, you're no Dustin! But hey, Dustin is just too amazing to be compared to!

Anyway, its pretty cool. I'm not big into changing pieces that don't have any grammatical or lyrical flaws as i believe every piece belongs to the individual and they've can express it in a way they want it to.

But to tell you what i felt bout it, I think the chorus is a little too simplistic. Now it might sound good in the song with the music n all you've got in mind, but on paper, it does sound a little too simplistic for the rest of the song.

And then it doesn't seem to have much of a completion to it, In your piece Icarus already knows he's going to fall, instead of getting carried away by his sudden sense of freedom... Though you do still point out to this in the 2nd verse.

Anyway, i felt i had to crit on this song cuz its just a topic i've been working around on lately too.
I know my crits aren't very constructive... and i'm not too good at crits either... but its short, its good but its not great. But then i guess i'm being unfair to you by comparing this to Thrice!
So, good stuff!
#8
thanks guys ( af_the_fragile, lord of food1), good to see that my infulences are showing in my work. i know its cant be more than a soft acoustic song, thats what it is ment to be. as you both can tell im heavily influnced by thrice in my writeing, more prevelant in my songs "to feel you" (which is still in song writing and lyrics) and "the problem of pain" which you can find in my sig, so yeah, thanks alot guys, good to hear you liked it (for the most part) if you do check out the song, please leave a comment, i'd like to hear what you think of the full version.