#1
I'm sharing this at a school assembly tomorrow of my own volition. I wrote it tonight (except for some of the middle) and it is probably terrible. We'll see what happens. As a senior, I can pull this type of thing off without too much flack from my peers.



Why we write.


An hour ago I watched every one of you
Take your seats, and rest your heads against their backs
And rustle against yourselves and your clothing
And your gods and sky and whatever else you have on you
And I watched you stare at that girl with the braids and stare at her skirt
And stare at her breasts,

And I watched from my seat as you did everything else you do when you’re all alone in yourself, just watching a show,
And I watched you yawning and checking your watches and waiting for when all this will be over
So you can all go back to your lives as if nothing happened here today aside from entertainment,
As if all of these pieces of us we are sharing with you today
Are stars, detached and pretty, but gone come morning, or as if what we are doing here isn’t important. But please
You may forget our words, our phrasing and faces,
But please, for the love of whatever you believe in, and I frankly don’t care,
Don’t forget why we're here.

Three days ago
A girl rode in the elevator with me
Up to my hotel room floor.
Her name was Megan.
She had just got back from playing
At Carnagie hall.
She was a prodigy I was sure,
You could see the magic in her hands.
I looked at her face though,
And her chest.

And
I wanted to shake her young arms
Until love
Poured out of her like a comet
And I wanted to slip my hand through her hair,
And whisper, and call her my beautiful
New York Angel. and
I wanted to touch her so softly that she’d start crying.

God, I am so terribly human.
I shook my head and laughed to myself.

The elevator stopped. I turned.
I almost said a thousand things
All at once
But instead,
I prayed. I closed my eyes.
She heard me, nodded,
and kissed me on my cheek
With such a terrifying desperation.
Her hands grasped at my hair like a cliff edge,
She whispered something in my ear
And shook with such a tremendous
Fear. And she started crying
As she held me right there in the suspended elevator
And I felt such a beautiful something coming
Out from this stranger,
Such a terrible force.

We come to you today not as an assembly, not as crowd pleasers,
And not even as writers.
We come to you just as people hoping
That something we tell you or show you will,
That this story I’ve given you
Will make you take one extra second the next time
you look at person sitting next to you,
will make you grab them by their arm, will make you stare into their eyes
And think, that theres something holy in them,
Theres something beautiful in them,
There’s something so terribly human in them,
That makes them some sort of angel.

On behalf of all of us,
I thank you.
Last edited by #1 synth at May 1, 2008,
#2
Umm not bad could be interesting reading it at school tho. A comet doesn't really pour as well you might want to change that. Personally I'd say exploded out of her like a comet but thats me.
#7
Very nice, though I'm not sure it's the kind of thing I'd be reading in front of my school. Not saying you shouldn't read it or anything, just that you've got some monstrous testicles if you do.

Also, I'm not sure about the girl in the elevator. Did she really start groping on you, or is there something I'm not getting?
-Landon
#10
hello.

i think you should write another sestina - i think those suit you.

but about this. i like it but i'm heavily tired and slightly drunk, so i shall get back to this tomorrow
#11
Your finally stepping out of your inspirations shadows, Dylan.

And your so much better for it. Don't slip back.

ETA: You're still a little bastard though
#12
In the first stanza "every one of you" is a singular subject but you keep using plural verbs. I wouldn't normally nitpick about it but you used so many plural verb forms that it really started bothering me. So you should either change "everyone one of you" to something like "you all" or change every verb from "take your seats" to "take his seat" or "take his or her seat." Or you could keep it as is and no one will probably notice, it just kinda bothered me.

I promise I'll read the rest after I write another 4 pages of this comparative lit paper.
#13
I agree with Evan, that kind of jumped at me too. And honestly, this is mediocre at best, the subject matter is fine, even interesting, but I'm not keen on the actual poetry. I thought the bit about the girl came off as self-indulgent, although I doubt you intend it to be.

"And I wanted to slip my hand through her hair,
And whisper, and call her my beautiful
New York Angel. "

And seriously man? I could've heard this on Flava of Love.
Agghh skeet, skeet, crit me, skeet, skeet!
#14
oh well, back to the drawing boards, to go search for purpose and such.

Thanks all of you, especially those of you who I rarely see post anymore. It means a lot.

The presentation sucked, but who knows, maybe my theatrical ability got through to some people .

Thats all I can hope for I guess.

Thanks again fellas.

Abetterbassist: no, it was meant to be self-indulgent, how could it not be with the incessant repetition of the pronoun I? Not saying that that self-indulgence did not alienate you or anyone in my audience today, as it probably did, but I was well aware of it when I wrote this. And I would argue that there are parts of the Flavor of Love that are downright beautiful in their delivery.

And i guess I'll just say this:
I wrote all of this down because it was sincere. Those events did happen, even if I took some poetic license with it, and the emotions in here are in here because I felt them and they were true. And the reason I presented this to my student body was because it was what I wanted to say, and honestly (though maybe I should), I have no regrets, because it was me out there, not lying, hiding, or telling a fictitious tale of moral and bravery. It was just me, saying what I wanted to say. And it was refreshing.
#15
Quote by #1 synth
And i guess I'll just say this:
I wrote all of this down because it was sincere. Those events did happen, even if I took some poetic license with it, and the emotions in here are in here because I felt them and they were true. And the reason I presented this to my student body was because it was what I wanted to say, and honestly (though maybe I should), I have no regrets, because it was me out there, not lying, hiding, or telling a fictitious tale of moral and bravery. It was just me, saying what I wanted to say. And it was refreshing.

i must say respect gained i enjoyed it and the presentation of the story was amazing i hate poetry but that was extremely enjoyable you did a wonderful job with it...
GRUNDY0!

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#16
You read that in front of your school?
You've got guts, props.

EDIT: How'd they react to this? The students and teachers, I mean?
#18
All i'll say is:

Is that why 'we' write? I think it's why you write . That is, unless you're referring to a very specific 'we', (or the royal we ) but I didn't get that impression.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#19
Quote by #1 synth
I'm sharing this at a school assembly tomorrow of my own volition. I wrote it tonight (except for some of the middle) and it is probably terrible. We'll see what happens. As a senior, I can pull this type of thing off without too much flack from my peers.



Why we write.


An hour ago I watched every one of you
Take your seats, and rest your heads against their backs
And rustle against yourselves and your clothing
And your gods and sky and whatever else you have on you
This is a very interesting line.
And I watched you stare at that girl with the braids and stare at her skirt
And stare at her breasts,
Haha edgy for school, but this is all the more awesome because of it.

And I watched from my seat as you did everything else you do when you’re all alone in yourself, just watching a show,
And I watched you yawning and checking your watches and waiting for when all this will be over
So you can all go back to your lives as if nothing happened here today aside from entertainment,
As if all of these pieces of us we are sharing with you today
Are stars, detached and pretty, but gone come morning, or as if what we are doing
The simile comparing to stars is cliched, but you described it enough to make it worthwhile of including.
here isn’t important. But please
You may forget our words, our phrasing and faces,
But please, for the love of whatever you believe in, and I frankly don’t care,
Don’t forget why we're here.
Very important message here. Good job conveying it.

Three days ago
A girl rode in the elevator with me
Up to my hotel room floor.
Her name was Megan.
She had just got back from playing
At Carnagie hall.
She was a prodigy I was sure,
You could see the magic in her hands.
I looked at her face though,
And her chest.
Brilliant. Love it thoroughly.

And
I wanted to shake her young arms
Until love
Poured out of her like a comet
Interesting image but I like it.
And I wanted to slip my hand through her hair,
And whisper, and call her my beautiful
New York Angel. and
I wanted to touch her so softly that she’d start crying.
I liked this section but don't fully understand its relevance. Sorry if I'm being thick.

God, I am so terribly human.
I shook my head and laughed to myself.

The elevator stopped. I turned.
I almost said a thousand things
All at once
But instead,
I prayed. I closed my eyes.
She heard me, nodded,
and kissed me on my cheek
I like how you didn't include anything you actually said with this girl. Just that you shared an elevator.
With such a terrifying desperation.
Her hands grasped at my hair like a cliff edge,
She whispered something in my ear
And shook with such a tremendous
Fear. And she started crying
As she held me right there in the suspended elevator
And I felt such a beautiful something coming
Out from this stranger,
Such a terrible force.

We come to you today not as an assembly, not as crowd pleasers,
And not even as writers.
We come to you just as people hoping
That something we tell you or show you will,
That this story I’ve given you
I tripped over reading this the first time through
Will make you take one extra second the next time
you look at person sitting next to you,
will make you grab them by their arm, will make you stare into their eyes
This may cause some jokes or such things in the crowd. Not to diminish it's power or anything.
And think, that theres something holy in them,
Theres something beautiful in them,
There’s something so terribly human in them,
That makes them some sort of angel.
Wonderfully well written here.

On behalf of all of us,
I thank you.


Overall, bravo. Excellent. Sorry it wasn't much of a crit as a praise, but I did what I could.