#2
ok, i like this.
"barely finished paintings" didn't read too well. it kind of goes against the simplicity of the poem. i'd change it to "unfinished", but that's just me.
"tying myself........shy topic." <-beautiful, but i'd remove "self" before "acknowledgement." you've already stated that you're tying yourself to it; no need to describe where the acknowledgement's coming from/going to. - in addition, it would read better, imo.
"we'd cease." was a weird line.....i dunno, i like it though.

to clarify; i really liked this. my discrepancies are all opinionated "bothersomes;" no need for any word surgery, though. 8.5/10

if you'd like to, i'd appreciate any comment you could forfeit on mine - "a sound of departure; volume 1."
Last edited by ottoavist at May 1, 2008,
#4
I'm always just infinitely impressed at how strong and consistent your poetic voice is.

I agree with Kent on "barely finished" and "we'd cease".