#1
My sophomore attempt at poetry. This is more of a song than a poem.
It's terribly emo, but it was something that needed to get writ.
Fire away the criticisms! *salutes*

Oh, and it's about someone who's "just friends," but acts like someone more.
It's a personal one; there's a face hemmed into this story.
Crits returned.

Insisting on Innocence -------

And when the fire's dim,
The moths stole to the morning,
I still won't have told her,
I still won't know how.
Not one to see the signs,
She'll just stare at the embers,
Playing games with my hands.
Insisting on innocence.

And when the trees are dark,
The leaves filling their spaces,
The fire's all but gone, and
She's calm in my arms.
I can feel her breathing,
Her little hands in mine,
Playing games with my head.
Insisting on innocence.

Insisting on innocence..


And when the sea is ink,
The cranes sent to the ocean,
I still won't have told her,
I still won't know how.
She's a complication, she's
Better off not knowing, she's
Playing games with his hands.

She's playing games with his hands.
Last edited by my name is Pete at May 2, 2008,
#3
Quote by my name is Pete


Insisting on Innocence -------

And when the fire's dim,
The moths stole to the morning,
I still won't have told her,
I still won't know how.
Not one to see the signs,
She'll just stare at the embers,
Playing games with my hands.
Insisting on innocence.
I love the second line.

And when the trees are dark,
The leaves filling their spaces,
The fire's all but gone, and
She's calm in my arms.
Nice internal. Good consistent flow too.
I can feel her breathing,
Her little hands in mine,
Playing games with my head.
Insisting on innocence.

Insisting on innocence..


And when the sea is ink,
The cranes sent to the ocean,
I still won't have told her,
I still won't know how.
She's a complication, she's
Better off not knowing, she's
Playing games with his hands.
Eh, this bit sort of felt flat and uninspired. Sea/ink and cranes/oceans aren't wholly original. Sorta bland, here. flow also seemed to go.
She's playing games with his hands.


I liked the repeated line and how it plays into the readers mind throughout the whole piece.

I think you've got some potential in you. Keep it going.
#4
okay, so yeah, i actually liked this, despite your intro. it didn't seem too emo to me... just a little melancholy.

also, i'm a sucker for descriptive language in lyrics... most of my crits are based around the fact that people need to use more.

And when the trees are dark,
The leaves filling their spaces,
The fire's all but gone

I liked these lines especially... really creates an image in your head.

Your first two stanzas are very strong. I guess you chose not to rhyme at all, which is okay, i suppose. Consider doing something along the lines of ABCDEBFD or ABCDEFGD, just to tie it all together... don't ruin what you've got though.

I agree with Jammy, your last stanza kind of fades... i'd try to use better metaphors... and I'm not sure why you switched viewpoint from "my" to "his". There didn't really seem like a reason for it.

So yeah, I like this piece, 'specially stanza 2. Fix the last one and you've got it.
#5
The reason for switching to "playing games with his hands" was a very subtle way of saying she chose someone else instead of me. Also, by excluding the line "insisting on innocence," it meant she didn't think of him as just a friend.

I guess I do need to re-work the last stanza, it has a lot more potential..

It's funny that you both like the second stanza; that was the one that came as a filler because I didn't want to post another two-stanza poem.

M-D, I'll return a crit tomorrow. I'm going to bed now. Is there any one in particular you wanted me to crit?
Last edited by my name is Pete at May 3, 2008,
#6
i'll try to come back later, for now, enjoy the bumpage bro.
#7
oh, right, i completely missed that.
Looking at it now (playing games with his hands) it's a real good idea.

Filler it might be, it does a great job of keeping the piece together and giving you a sense of what's going on.

Uh, if you could crit either Another Day Today or Materialholics, that would be great.
#9
Thanks for the comment on my piece. I hate doing this, but I'll be back tomorrow, going to bed.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror