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#1
I want to know how many other UG'ers come from hysterical and/or dysfunctional families, so whats the most messed up or funny advice your parents ever gave you?


1.) you may post as many as you wish
2.) no flaming
3.) keep non-funny banter to a minimum
4.) this isn't a competiton to see who the most dysfuctional is, its to see how many of us are.


my dad told me the other day, "It's ok jake, shes a woman, they don't have real brains"

disclaimer: to all you women who are upset about this sexest joke, stick a tampon in it and leave me alone.
Turquoise Team Beasts!
#2
Felix. Embrace sex, have lots of sex with lots of young girls.
#4
Quote by meh17
Some racist ones, I might get banned


Trust me, you won't. You havn't been here long enough to know that I guess.
Founder of UG's David Bowie Fan Club. Pm to join.

Founder of UG's "Rockers against being freakishly skinny" Club. PM to join.
#6
"Danny. Now you're at that age you're always out with your mates and that, I just want you to promise me one thing."

"What's that dad?"

"If you buy weed, get me some."

(My dad on me turning 15, 5 years ago)
Quote by Karvid
You win this thread. And UG. I haven't actually lol'd at a post in a really long time. Thanks for changing that. I expect a sig


He expected this.

Something you definitely need to know
#7
Quote by redh0tchilip3pp
Yes he will. Or warned at least.


He only will if he's directing them twords someone. Its like the Jokes-We're-All-Going-To-Hell-For thread
Founder of UG's David Bowie Fan Club. Pm to join.

Founder of UG's "Rockers against being freakishly skinny" Club. PM to join.
#8
just leave out the racist words and insert "black person" or "mexican" etc.
then add a disclaimer saying its not your opinoin, and that you dont agree (even if you secretly do)
Turquoise Team Beasts!
#9
Hmm, its e-peer pressure

1) Never trust a ____
2) A good ____ is a dead ____
#10

My dad frequently goes for the classic, "if they hit you, hit them back twice as hard."
RULE BRITANNIA
#12
"I don't really care if you do drugs, just stick to weed and don't tell your mother"
Are You a PROG-HEAD? I am.


We raise the Vibratory so high
That all untruth will fall of its own dead weight
#13
heres another gem from my dad speaking to my 3 year old nephew

dad, "what do you want to be when you grow up"

my nephew, "i want to be a girl"

dad, "ok, well the first thing we have to do is suck all your brains out"


in retrospect im slightly confused why my nephew wants to be a girl
Turquoise Team Beasts!
#14
My Mom telling me off when I was poking at some of our roast pork we had for a family dinner

"Respect the pig!"
#15
"Don't think, do."

Then how am I supposed to know what I am doing if I don't think about it?
#16
My dad gave me a newspaper article about AIDS and a pack of condoms then walked off.
#18
Teaching is a good job for a woman.

You can get anything you want as you're a woman. Just use your charm and wear a miniskirt.

My ma also asked me to pop down to tescos and buy her a few bottles of wine when I was 13

My dad gives good advice though.
#21
my dad gives me lots of really ****ed advice...

" just make sure when you go to the bar with a fake id you dont let them take the id no matter what, trust me its a bitch to find one of those let alone a few"

"you should stop drinking liquor ryan... i know you to well. ur the same as i was at that age you drink it like beer then the next thing you know your a hundred miles away from home with no ride back"

"when your doing acid make sure you dont leave the house... or whoevers house." (ive never even done acid..)

"**** you could probably beer bong 2 beers at a time... try it"


i dunno its ****ed im pretty sure hes a functioning alcoholic
And before he died, Taran-Ish had scrawled upon the altar of chrysolite with coarse shaky strokes the sign of DOOM.
#22
As I'm leaving to go to college my mother says, "Keep you hotdog stand closed."

She's also told me many times "keep your one-eyed monster in your pants."

Both of which, I didn't do
#23
My mum said "James, stop smoking weed until we get to Australia."

Belter.

Quote by hazzmatazz
youmakemesmile...

Quote by sebastian_96
Today I stole a girls tampons for being such an annoying bitch.





MUFC


My love for you
Is like a truck
Berserker.
#25
"Don't buy couches from garage sales. You never know what's happened upon that very couch."
He told me this when I was 10...
#26
Quote by GiantRaven
You're so cool


leik, sooo kewl.

This is Larry The If you click him, he will give you magic powers.
srsly.


If you are not willing to die for the perfect s'more, Then you don't deserve a s'more at all.
#28
"if you're going to have sex, just don't do it in the back of a car or somewhere like that"
I'd like a chocolate shake.. with a whiskey chaser
#29
''I dont love you and i never did. Get the **** out of my house.''
Party
Pants
In
My
Come
Wanna
You?


Quote by M.B.MetalTabber
clothes, you don't want as much detail as emptybullet gave you now, do you?
#30
Quote by Empty_Bullet
''I dont love you and i never did. Get the **** out of my house.''


the love just pores through that sentence, it is magical
#31
Quote by Empty_Bullet
''I dont love you and i never did. Get the **** out of my house.''



^ ^
We have a winner
#33
Quote by GrEgUms1991
"Just don't tell your mum" The best advice ever given.

0_o

I just had thoughts of Austria there I'm going to bed to clear my disguting mind

Quote by hazzmatazz
youmakemesmile...

Quote by sebastian_96
Today I stole a girls tampons for being such an annoying bitch.





MUFC


My love for you
Is like a truck
Berserker.
#34
"Don't take no shit, take a knife, take its life. And don't you forget it..."

My Dad was drunk but I almost shat myself...
#36
Quote by GiantRaven
You're so cool


Wasn't trying to brag.

Sorry if you're still a virgin.
#37
From my massively homophobic mother:
"Remember, it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."
#38
All my mom did was tell me not to go out with a bipolar girl, cause they're crazy and I can do better.


My dad said alot of weird things when we went to mexico. He was asking me and mystepbrother if we had enough cigars, beer, did we need anymore beer, he can go grab another sixpack if we want, not that weird I guess. Just strange to have your dad ask you that.
#39
My mother keeps telling me not to take up smoking, even though she knows I've been smoking for the last 5 years, think it's denial
I've Made You A Drawing of a Giraffe Fucking an Elephant. Notice How His Moustache Looks Just Like Mine.

Your Mother's Got a Penis
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