#1
My mind is rotting,
what is this?
Brought on by the wind's toxic kiss.

On blue planets far away,
I will surely die,
and placed in the soil of a world that is not mine.

My guts are waning,
my systems shutting down,
my body crumples to the ground,
as the eyes watch all around.

And on blue plantes far away,
they put me in a shallow grave.

editited for grammer
Last edited by Deadmen at May 1, 2008,
#2
Well...unless its on purpose, the proper form is "brought" not "brang".
Other than that its a good start(?)
#3
Quote by men
My mind is rotting,
what is this?
Brought on by the wind's toxic kiss.

Check your accents

On blue planets far away,
I will surely die,
and placed in the soil of a world that is not mine.

My guts are waning,
my systems shutting down,
my body crumples to the ground,
as the eyes watch all around.

Read this stanza out loud... the last line's meter is messed up. Accenting mistake. Also, the third and fourth lines are longer than the first two...

And on blue plantes far away,
they put me in a shallow grave.

editited for grammer



Um, this looks like it's an okay start. You should probably develop your ideas some more and expand on them, either by writing more or by squeezing more of the deep stuff (metaphors, fig. language, critical thoughts, etc.) into what you already have. I think that if you keep working on this it could turn out pretty decent.

btw if you could read and comment on one of my pieces... that'd be chill