#1
Crit or comment, leave a link, and I'll return the crit in a day or two.

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Okay, I actually just started writing [lyrics for The Dawn] about two weeks ago, and I've got like, 10 lyrical compositions that I'm pretty fond of. The End of Your World, Materialholics, and Powerless are three decent ones.
This song, I H^ATED. I wrote it for a g^irl (she thought it was sweet...) but it just didn't come out to good. Looking at it, I don't think it's tooo bad... it's just not the kind of stuff I usually write.

Anyways, I decided to post it to get some feedback, suggestions. (Well, no sh^it, that's what everyone does).
Here it is.


Another Day Today
by The Dawn

I think I needed something new
a different kind of pace for me
and I thought maybe it would work…
but there were things I didn’t see.
And gems I donned with eager arms,
were gleaming brightly as the day,
but they were skulls around my neck
that only shined from far away.
Although I saw her faults and cr^acks,
I tried to squint and see right past
but time went by and they just grew
until the frailness could not last

And while it tries to cling to me
I slip away and leave it here…
And as I flee away from it
From all the wreckage you appear

I don’t know how long I’ll have with you or what we will have to show
but this life is just beginning and we’re basking in the glow
I know that we’re not perfect but I’ll still give you my heart
‘cause I know that you’re an artist, I’m your greatest work of art

You’ve come here at the perfect time;
I only hope that you can stay
Because when we’re together
All my problems almost fade away…
And even if we grow apart,
we’ll still remember what we have
And if tomorrow we’re apart,
we’ll still remember what we have

I know that you’re from somewhere else
that almost seems too far away
And if you tell me you must go
there’s really nothing I can say
So now you’ve got to leave, I
hope that you feel just the way I do
And this time when you’re gone
All that I’ll have is memories of you

Memories of you…
Don’t try to tell me things will be okay
Tomorrow’s not another day today

Even though I know you’re gone
A part of me still does hold on
And since you can’t be in my arms
I’ll try to touch you with this song
And maybe someday I’ll be back again with you

With you…
I only wanted you to stay…
Tomorrow’s not another day today
Last edited by M-D at May 3, 2008,
#2
Another Day Today
by The Dawn

I think I needed something new
a different kind of pace for me
and I thought maybe it would work…
but there were things I didn’t see.
This isn't horrible but it didn't accomplish much.
Self evaluation can be wordy.
Too much explanation of motive.
Too little action/imagery.

And gems I donned with eager arms,
were gleaming brightly as the day,
Unless the gems are a metaphor
the next line strikes me in an odd way.
I think of gems more as stars than daylight.

but they were skulls around my neck
that only shined from far away.
I don't understand the skulls shining.
Although I saw her faults and cr^acks,
I tried to squint and see right past
but time went by and they just grew
until the frailness could not last
The last line feels like
it's just tagged on to get the rhyme.

And while it tries to cling to me
I slip away and leave it here…
And as I flee away from it
From all the wreckage you appear

I don’t know how long I’ll have with you or what we will have to show
but this life is just beginning and we’re basking in the glow
I know that we’re not perfect but I’ll still give you my heart
‘cause I know that you’re an artist, I’m your greatest work of art


You’ve come here at the perfect time;
I only hope that you can stay
Because when we’re together
All my problems almost fade away…
And even if we grow apart,
we’ll still remember what we have
And if tomorrow we’re apart,
we’ll still remember what we have

I know that you’re from somewhere else
that almost seems too far away
And if you tell me you must go
there’s really nothing I can say
Way too many words. Far to little said.
If doesn't make sense after we hear the next line:

So now you’ve got to leave, I
hope that you feel just the way I do
And this time when you’re gone
All that I’ll have is memories of you

Memories of you…
Don’t try to tell me things will be okay
Tomorrow’s not another day today
This could be the best part of the piece.
The last line has strange wording, though.
Tomorrow's not just another day.
Would sound more natural to me.


Even though I know you’re gone
A part of me still does hold on
And since you can’t be in my arms
I’ll try to touch you with this song
And maybe someday I’ll be back again with you

With you…
I only wanted you to stay…
Tomorrow’s not another day today


I can see why you hated it.
Lots of words, lots of clauses, too much justification.
No strong images or action.
I'm sure the girl liked it, though.

I dunno if any of this was helpful,
but I've seen you put a lot of effort into crits for others.
It just seemed wrong for this to be passed over.
If you have anything else I could try to help with, let me know.
Meadows
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#3
thanks for the crit someoneyouknew (...can i just call you someone?).
i haven't been on UG in a while...

yeah, you pretty much summed up what i don't like about this piece.
you're definitely right in the first stanza, i'll have to change that (do i even want to bother? mmm....yeah.)
in the second stanza yeah gems and skulls are a metaphor comparing my last friend to jewlery and bones [cause when i was friends with her she was pretty cool but she was an awful friend...]

"The last line feels like
it's just tagged on to get the rhyme."

absolutely. something i hope i would never do on a real piece......
i guess i should change it to something that actually has a meaning
it's a pretty cliche line anyways, i think


so yeah thanks for the crit
if you want me to critique anything of yours just tell me
your crit pretty much points out a lot of what is fixable in this piece... i think i'll just leave the rest where it lies, so i'll take it out of my sig

i wrote a song recently called Sanction. it's just okay. if you could take a look at it that'd be cool. i'll put it in my signature

pm me or post anything of yours and i'll crit it for you. i haven't done any in a while.

EDIT: holy sh'it, this thing got one hundred views and only one person responded? jesus freakin' christ, that's a lot of people looking at my bad work...
and not a lot of people's help from it. wow...
Last edited by M-D at May 31, 2008,