#1
Bottle tops and drop-kicked cans of cider
Wetness on the hand that went inside ‘er
Mucus hard like clay, stuck on your tonsils
Thirty minutes of being irrespons’ble

Garden parties in August and September
The sort of ones you don’t tend to remember

Someone’s panties left in rows of flowers
Evidence of tardy April showers
Disposed Jonny’s wrapped round poles of fences
Morning after’s writing off expenses

Garden parties in August and September
The sort of ones you don’t tend to remember

Echoes of slander and spite still sound
Despite attempts to gag and to bound
Troublemakers and the ones that can twist
The scene of a kiss to an end with a fist

Garden parties in August and September
The sort of ones you don’t tend to remember

Counting all the hearts that lie down broken
Finding the apologies left unspoken
Mop the tears up from the sodden grass
Another melodrama, not the last

Garden parties in August and September
The sort of ones you don’t tend to remember




Crit for crit, you'll get one back. Let me know if I missed you.
#2
enjoy the bump - i had a crit partially written out but i pressed some key which apparently sends me back to the page before, whaetver - and i'll try get to this tomorrow, remind me, if not.
#4
Bottle tops and drop-kicked cans of cider
Wetness on the hand that went inside ‘er
Mucus hard like clay, stuck on your tonsils
Thirty minutes of being irrespons’ble

I really like this first verse, it sets the scene and mood well. Only part I find doesn't flow well is the last word. Saying it aloud, at least for me, just doesn't flow like I think you wanted it to.


Garden parties in August and September
The sort of ones you don’t tend to remember

I like this chorus, but maybe it could be longer? I don't know, it seems slightly lacking, but still does it's job well enough.

Someone’s panties left in rows of flowers
Evidence of tardy April showers
Disposed Jonny’s wrapped round poles of fences
Morning after’s writing off expenses

Again, this sets the mood well and creates the effect I feel you were trying to get at very well.

Garden parties in August and September
The sort of ones you don’t tend to remember

I think this could be left out, with the second and third verses one after the other. Or maybe even put the first two verses together and leave out the first chorus. It just seems too repetitious.

Echoes of slander and spite still sound
Despite attempts to gag and to bound
Troublemakers and the ones that can twist
The scene of a kiss to an end with a fist

This is probably my favorite verse. Something about it just flows very nicely and creates the mood it should.

Garden parties in August and September
The sort of ones you don’t tend to remember

Counting all the hearts that lie down broken
Finding the apologies left unspoken
Mop the tears up from the sodden grass
Another melodrama, not the last

Not as strong as the other verses, mostly because of the last line. It just doesn't feel like a closer to me.

Garden parties in August and September
The sort of ones you don’t tend to remember

Okay, I know I pointed out a lot of negatives, but overall this is a great piece.

Wow, I just now realized that your lines rhyme. Just goes to show how natural your rhyming was, excellent work.
#5
Hi.

So, this piece was ok. It had the potential to be exceptional IMO, but its probably just me that doesn't think it alraedy is.

1) your rhyming is done well. and it made it read well, but there were parts that it felt like you sacrificed a bit for the rhyme. Like expenses... that just felt out of place. It didn't really relate to the rest of the ideas behind this piece. I mean, I see the connection, but it sticks out as not being as direct as the rest of the piece. There are a few others I noticed when reading, but yeah... they aren't bad.

2) the repetition of the verse. This brought out the thing I hate most about poetry and songwriting... repeating a chorus. It works fine with a catchy riff in the background, but as a simply words, it frankly pissed me off. I got the message the first time... I didn't need to hear it over and over again... and the phrase wasn't nearly witty enough nor fantastic enough to make me want to read it. If there had been a few slight variations in it or something, it would have been fine. But to repeat the same hook phrase (especially one as uninteresting as that) is begging me to question whether the rest of the piece was worth reading that a dozen times.


Outside of that, I liked it. Your "verses" were good.

-zC