#1
- Dead In The Water

Runnin’ wild through fields of grass,
Nobody said nothing funny but you turn and laugh.
Arm’s like cheese cloth, you drink your X from a cup,
Floating in a sea of H, bobbing belly up.

You try and climb back up to the top,
But it’s hard to scale a wall holdin’ a blunt and a shot.
Eyes glazed over, hand’s shakin’ all around,
What’s the matter man, come here and try and sit down.

Your cokes smackin’ you, your acid burns,
The dealer don’t make deals, or what for your turn,
Lying on the ground, being Mary Jane’s martyr,
Trapped in an endless sea,
Dead in the water.

The rotgut burns as it goes down your throat,
Rooms in a haze under billows of smoke.
You can lie to your mother, and you can lie to the cops,
But you can’t lie to nobody, when your heart begins to stop.

A different needle in your arm, lights over your head,
It can’t hurt nobody, remember, that’s what you said?
Your eyes slowly close, your high comin’ down,
You don’t need nothin’ now, to try and sleep sound.

Your cokes smackin’ you, your acid burns,
The dealer don’t make deals, or what for your turn,
Lying on the ground, being Mary Jane’s martyr,
Trapped in an endless sea,
Dead in the water.


____________________________

So, what do you think?
When everybody's gone home, all but the friends and lovers, that's when the best things happen.
#2
Out of this whole poem (which as a whole i thought was good) i liked the chorus best.

Your cokes smackin’ you, your acid burns,
The dealer don’t make deals, or what for your turn,
Lying on the ground, being Mary Jane’s martyr,
Trapped in an endless sea,
Dead in the water.

The only thing that I don't like about this stanza is probably "or what for your turn". Yes it [mostly] rhymes, but it has kind of different accents and the grammar's a little off. Not that that's not okay, but it's wrong in a way that doesn't have a meaning. You know what I mean?

Runnin’ wild through fields of grass,
Nobody said nothing funny but you turn and laugh.
Arm’s like cheese cloth, you drink your X from a cup,
Floating in a sea of H, bobbing belly up.

So I'm pretty sure that this stanza's starting off with saying you're high... but . Well, okay. The first two lines I think are a good way of introducing the general feeling of this person (other than ), but I didn't quite get the third and fourth ones.
I guess maybe it's gie terms... I don't know that sh^it so i won't say anything.

You try and climb back up to the top,
But it’s hard to scale a wall holdin’ a blunt and a shot.
Eyes glazed over, hand’s shakin’ all around,
What’s the matter man, come here and try and sit down.

The first line of this stanza has very poor accenting - if you read it outloud, you'll see what I mean. I like the second line, and I don't have a problem with the third, but the last line seems kind of out of place. It's like, the entire song is a narrative, and you have this one line talking to a person, offering consolation. It doesn't really fit and it kind of sounds weird.

The rotgut burns as it goes down your throat,
Rooms in a haze under billows of smoke.
You can lie to your mother, and you can lie to the cops,
But you can’t lie to nobody, when your heart begins to stop.

The last line (first part) seems like it has too many syllables... and the only other thing is that the second part of the last line is a little out of order... it seeming like a story, the dude hasn't died yet

A different needle in your arm, lights over your head,
It can’t hurt nobody, remember, that’s what you said?
Your eyes slowly close, your high comin’ down,
You don’t need nothin’ now, to try and sleep sound.

this stanza seems fine. the second line seems like a lot of people would emphasize with you...


overall this is a good piece of work. a few touch-ups and it will be better.
#3
Quote by M-D

The only thing that I don't like about this stanza is probably "or what for your turn". Yes it [mostly] rhymes, but it has kind of different accents and the grammar's a little off. Not that that's not okay, but it's wrong in a way that doesn't have a meaning. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I hear what you're saying.

So I'm pretty sure that this stanza's starting off with saying you're high... but . Well, okay. The first two lines I think are a good way of introducing the general feeling of this person (other than ), but I didn't quite get the third and fourth ones.
I guess maybe it's gie terms... I don't know that sh^it so i won't say anything.

X is Ecstacy, which is a pill which some grind into a powder form and put in liquids. The arm reference meant the person had many punctures in their arm from heroin. H is heroin, and belly up obviously means dead.

The first line of this stanza has very poor accenting - if you read it outloud, you'll see what I mean. I like the second line, and I don't have a problem with the third, but the last line seems kind of out of place. It's like, the entire song is a narrative, and you have this one line talking to a person, offering consolation. It doesn't really fit and it kind of sounds weird.

LOL You know way more about this stuff than I do. I just kinda sit back and write whatever comes to mind. The first line does seem very off, but I don't know if it just made more sense in my head while singing it.

The last line (first part) seems like it has too many syllables... and the only other thing is that the second part of the last line is a little out of order... it seeming like a story, the dude hasn't died yet

It's a rock blues song, so the lyrics has a little more liniency when it comes with length and syllables. But I do understand where you're coming from.

this stanza seems fine. the second line seems like a lot of people would emphasize with you...

I was actually expecting something about the last line. I can't stand it, it just seems too fake to me. But it was the best I could think of while writing it. I could probably come up with something better, but this was just what was on the paper when I finished writing the last line.


overall this is a good piece of work. a few touch-ups and it will be better.


Read bold text.
When everybody's gone home, all but the friends and lovers, that's when the best things happen.
Last edited by A-S-m-i-t-h at May 3, 2008,
#4
oh, okay. right, yeah, i know ec^stasy and he^roin... okay, this stanza makes sense now.

yeah, that's one of the things i don't like about critiquing lyrics - even if it's wrong when you read it, it usually sounds fine when it's sung. poetry's much easier, hahaha.

as for the last line that you didn't like, i see what you mean. reading it again it does sound kind of fake... i do like the idea though, that the person doesn't need anything to sleep anymore. i think that the problem is definitely "to try and sleep sound". oh and i just realized that that's a slant rhyme too, albeit one that's almost a real rhyme. so, you won't be sacrificing much by scrapping this line.

maybe do something like this?
your eyes slowly close, your high fades away,
but no dr^ugs will save you, not after today

I read this again and i liked it... i actually think it would be real good put to music.

crit mine?
#5
Quote by M-D
oh, okay. right, yeah, i know ec^stasy and he^roin... okay, this stanza makes sense now.

yeah, that's one of the things i don't like about critiquing lyrics - even if it's wrong when you read it, it usually sounds fine when it's sung. poetry's much easier, hahaha.

as for the last line that you didn't like, i see what you mean. reading it again it does sound kind of fake... i do like the idea though, that the person doesn't need anything to sleep anymore. i think that the problem is definitely "to try and sleep sound". oh and i just realized that that's a slant rhyme too, albeit one that's almost a real rhyme. so, you won't be sacrificing much by scrapping this line.

maybe do something like this?
your eyes slowly close, your high fades away,
but no dr^ugs will save you, not after today

I read this again and i liked it... i actually think it would be real good put to music.

crit mine?


I do like the escapism of it, using drugs and booze as a false savior from everday life. Yeah, I like it a lot actually, the more I read it.
When everybody's gone home, all but the friends and lovers, that's when the best things happen.