#1
Hey guys this is my latest piece, cheers for looking in the thread. Hope you enjoy reading it, leave me your crit and I'll return on your pieces if you leave me a link. Thanks!

-Toby

To You I Bid Farewell and Goodnight (Your Lullaby)
(C) Toby Cunningham


Verse 1:

Rising high,
Into the grey skies of the night.
Masked by clouds,
You will soon be out of sight.
Starlight glow,
Leads you on your way.
The moon's "hello",
Brings an end to day.

Verse 2:

In the distance,
I will wait for thee.
As I cast my gaze,
Over the empty seas.
The empty seas,
Which wash away our fears.
Thoughtless thoughts,
Disappearing in our tears.

Chorus 1:

Your lullaby, whispers soft goodbyes,
With words of sorrow,
Blinded by the lights you follow.
But no matter what I do,
I will never get to you.
So to you, I bid
Farewell and goodnight
(One more time, farewell and goodnight)

Verse 3:

Distant dreams,
Cast off to lands afar.
Where you discover,
Who and what you are.
Forgotten truths,
Flicker and fade away.
Carried off,
Gently on the waves.

Verse 4:

Heaven-sent landscapes,
Bathed in the ocean breeze.
Golden shorelines,
As far as you're eyes can see.
Come back to me,
Without a care my dear,
We could make our way,
Along the ocean clear.

Chorus 2:

Your lullaby, whispers soft goodbyes,
With words of sorrow,
Blinded by the lights you follow.
But no matter what I do,
I will never get to you.
So to you, I bid
Farewell and goodnight
(One more time, farewell and goodnight)

Outro

So long.
Goodbye.
Farewell and Goodnight.

So long.
Goodbye.
Farewell and Goodnight.

So long.
Goodbye.
Farewell and Goodnight.

So long.
Goodbye.
Farewell and Goodnight .
#3
Thanks for reading man, any pieces you want me to take a look at? Just drop me a link!

And yeah, it's going to be to a slow beat, maybe speeding up and becoming heavier in the chorus, think along the lines of Porcelina of the Vast Oceans by the Smashing Pumpkins to get a slight idea of the thing I'm going for.
#4
I could tell you made this from porcelain (to fit it anyway). I was singing with it myself and I fell right into the rhythm of it. Do you mind if I can use the lyrics for my own bands uses? I really like it!

PS If you want we can work up lyrics together or exchange stuff if you like.
#5
Really nice, gotta love MCIS

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#6
Quote by manhangi
I could tell you made this from porcelain (to fit it anyway). I was singing with it myself and I fell right into the rhythm of it. Do you mind if I can use the lyrics for my own bands uses? I really like it!

PS If you want we can work up lyrics together or exchange stuff if you like.


Sorry man, I'm going to be using it with my band so I'd rather you didn't use it. Means more to me if I keep it for my own use rather than let someone else use it, sorry dude. You got any pieces you want me to take a look at? You're better off writing your own lyrics anyway dude, rather than copying mine cause you will get a better feeling from performing the song should you get that far. I really hope you don't plagiarise this is anyway.

Quote by Zero-Hartman
Really nice, gotta love MCIS


Haha yep, I realise some of my songs have similar title to Pumpkins songs, guess that's what happens though when you idolise Billy Corgan!
#7
Quote by TobyFellrunners
Sorry man, I'm going to be using it with my band so I'd rather you didn't use it. Means more to me if I keep it for my own use rather than let someone else use it, sorry dude. You got any pieces you want me to take a look at? You're better off writing your own lyrics anyway dude, rather than copying mine cause you will get a better feeling from performing the song should you get that far. I really hope you don't plagiarise this is anyway.



Haha yep, I realise some of my songs have similar title to Pumpkins songs, guess that's what happens though when you idolise Billy Corgan!


I am totally cool with it. I always ask before I take, so yeah. Go ahead and take a look at my lyric "The essence of life in a nutshell"

You might like it, someone else did.
#8
Quote by manhangi
I am totally cool with it. I always ask before I take, so yeah. Go ahead and take a look at my lyric "The essence of life in a nutshell"

You might like it, someone else did.


Yeah sorry it sounded like I was accusing you of taking it, didn't mean it to come out like that mate. It's just that I've had my work stolen before and it really pissed me off so I'm careful about what people say about using parts of my song. Anyway I'll go and check your piece out now man.
#9
Yeah, I get that way about lending out my CD's and stuff (Hooray for burning copies nowadays!)

Make sure to PM m,e if you record on this, I am sure it'd be beautiful if you can do a decent super high tenor or "low" falsetto
#12
I felt the rhythm very strongly as I was reading it - I can easily see the lyrical quality of it, if you get my meaning, with the flow of the words. I liked the imagery, as well; the references to the ocean and the night painted a strong picture in my mind.

The only thing that kind of stuck out to me though, was in the last line of verse 2 ("Disappearing in our tears"); the word "disappearing," since it has the same rhyme pattern as the last word in the line, might interrupt the form a little bit, unless you were going for an internal rhyme (which I wasn't sure of, as none of the other verses employed internal rhymes). Not really a big thing at all, but I just thought I'd mention it.

Aside form that, man, good job.
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