#1
WARNING: If you are offended by religious irreverence, don't read this; its not an attack on you... just me expressing myself. This is piece partially true, but is also quite irreverent due to some recent issues with religion. c4c.


What a tasty aroma. Cheap coffee, cheaper wine, nursing home, and oak pews that haven't left this sanctuary in thirty years. Nothing gets me going quite like that smell. Pastor Norman is speaking on holiness today... again. Last Sunday: holiness; the Sunday before that: holiness. He's a bit like a broken record, only more annoying because records aren't monotone or judgmental. He steps to the microphone.

"Sinners, bow your heads with me, for the Lord shall grant you peace." We do.

My brain lights up with random thoughts as he begins to drone to the Lord.

Well, even God can't blame me for day-dreaming now, I'm sure he's sleeping through this prayer. Who fucking wouldn't? Norm prays the same damn thing every week. Dear God, save us all. How monotonous and half-assed. If I were to pray for the church, I'd do this: "Dear God, we have sinned. We've sucked at life, fucked our neighbors, sucked our neighbors and fucked our lives." Get some passion in there. Maybe then God wouldn't be so mysterious, he'd show up in shades and a suit telling us to 'keep it real.' Hmmm, they say Jesus experienced every thing man does. So, yeah, he had to experience lust...

"... I wonder if Jesus had a big cock." Amen resounds around the room. When my eyes open, I find eight red-eyes staring at me. Four belong to Grandma Pilate, the eldest patron of the church and probably also the mother or Protestantism; she was definitely around when it began. My wheels are turning; oh shit, I said that out loud.

Her hand glides to a hymnal. "That was the most blasphemous thing anyone has ever said boy. How dare you insult the Lord! How dare you speak of his genitalia!" She came out of her seat. A four-foot nine granny had never been so intimidating. She had obviously had some practice with Bible-beating, her first swing caught me on the jaw. "The word of the Lord is a mighty-sword"; Paul wasn't joking. Granny Pilate is adding to the nursing home odor, working up quite the sweat while trying to beat some repentance into me.

Instinct kicked in after three shots (as much as it can when one is being beaten by Grandma Death) and my feet began carrying me out of the sanctuary. Her heels click behind me in hot pursuit, she’s got to purify the house of the Lord now.
Last edited by ZanasCross at May 4, 2008,
#2
That's actually quite the anecdote.

I'm a very devout Christian, but it's for this reason I don't go to church much anymore.

I really, thoroughly enjoyed that.
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#3
I don't know why you've put in the broken-line stanza. It would have worked better just as a paragraph, in italics. I think so, anyway. If you're going to write in prose it's usually a good idea to stay in that format and not blend between them.
#4
Ok, so this was pretty great. This line..."He's a bit like a broken record, only more annoying because records aren't monotone or judgmental." I thought it was going to be the cliche broken record thing and than I read the monotone part. Excellent

The middle stanza where the narrator is talking to himself lacked something. I don't know, I just didn't like it. Don't get me wrong it was good, I just think something else in there would have jacked it up a bit.

The last 3 stanzas were fine. I saw one mistake I'm going to nab you on. The narrator says he wonders if "Jesus" has a big ****, and then the grandmother says "how dare you insult the lord. How dare you speak of his genitalia." Now I'm catholic, and I'm pretty sure the Lord refers to God, and you said "I wonder if Jesus", not "I wonder if God" I'm just nit picking, but throwing it out there. Thanks for taking a look at my piece, nice job man, I really enjoyed this.
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#5
Quote by ZanasCross
WARNING: If you are offended by religious irreverence, don't read this; its not an attack on you... just me expressing myself. This is piece partially true, but is also quite irreverent due to some recent issues with religion. c4c.




What a tasty aroma. Cheap coffee, cheaper wine, nursing home, and oak pews that haven't left this sanctuary in thirty years. Nothing gets me going quite like that smell. Pastor Norman is speaking on holiness today... again. Last Sunday: holiness; the Sunday before that: holiness. He's a bit like a broken record, only more annoying
because records aren't monotone or judgmental. He steps to the microphone.
to be honest, this felt too much like a juvenile rant for it to be good. My point is that, the way you criticize seems like it's from a 15 year olds perspective and even though you keep the tone through out the piece, it almost made me stop reading. I'm not one to talk because many of my pieces have been in rant form, but I think avoiding colloquialisms that set you into a certain age group like "...again". I did like the sarcasm of the first few lines.

"Sinners, bow your heads with me, for the Lord shall grant you peace." We do.

My brain lights up with random thoughts as he begins to drone to the Lord.

Well, even God can't blame me for day-dreaming now,
I'm sure he's sleeping through this prayer.
Who fucking wouldn't? Norm prays the same
damn thing every week. Dear God, save us all.
How monotonous and half-assed. If I were to pray for
the church, I'd do this:
"Dear God, we have sinned. We've sucked at life,
fucked our neighbors, sucked our neighbors
and fucked our lives."
Get some passion in there. Maybe then God wouldn't
be so mysterious, he'd show up in shades and a suit
telling us to 'keep it real.'
Hmmm, they say Jesus experienced
every thing man does. So, yeah, he had to experience
lust...

yeah, make text. Same issue with the tone here. No point in changing it, but maybe in future pieces like this, you should think more about how you want the reader to interpret it, feel towards it etc. I liked the piece, it amused me, don't get me wrong, but you sacrificed a lot with the whiny tone.

"... I wonder if Jesus had a big cock." Amen resounds around the room. When my eyes open, I find eight red-eyes staring at me. Four belong to Grandma Pilate, the eldest patron of the church and probably also the mother or Protestantism; she was definitely around when it began. My wheels are turning; oh shit, I said that out loud.

Her hand glides to a hymnal. "That was the most blasphemous thing anyone has ever said boy. How dare you insult the Lord! How dare you speak of his genitalia!" She came out of her seat. A four-foot nine granny had never been so intimidating. She had obviously had some practice with Bible-beating, her first swing caught me on the jaw. "The word of the Lord is a mighty-sword"; Paul wasn't joking. Granny Pilate is adding to the nursing home odor, working up quite the sweat while trying to beat some repentance into me.

Instinct kicked in after three shots (as much as it can when one is being beaten by Grandma Death) and my feet began carrying me out of the sanctuary. Her heels click behind me in hot pursuit, she’s got to purify the house of the Lord now.

Funnily enough, I love the last sections, it felt less rantish and more satirical. I liked it. I thought the Lord/sword/word/ was forced though. My tongue tripped on the first read.



book antigua eh? Font stealer.
#6
I absolutely love this piece. It seems to real, I got a clear picture in my head. I don't even know what else I can say, everything was very well-written. I greatly enjoyed it.

By the way, I also just read your "Lost In Transaction" piece. Again, amazing work. Didn't think I should post it there though, seeing as it's a pretty old topic. And now I read your "Jig. Jig. Shimmy. Dance." Once again, I really like your style.
Last edited by Winter Sky at May 4, 2008,
#7
Jamie: I did it that way because of the broken ideas that were sort of flowing during it (at least to me). I changed it, though, I think you is right

Nick: Lord refers to the trinity of all three... thus it can refer to Jesus, since he is also part of the Lord (if you buy into Dogma).

Kyrl: The whiney tone wasn't intended... but I see where you are coming from. Thanks mate. If you want me to read anything, let me know.

Winter (name?): Thanks mate. I'll try to read one of yours here soon.


Thanks to all.
Last edited by ZanasCross at May 4, 2008,
#8
^^lol jamie, have you been drinking??

zach, this wasn't my favorite. it was good, don't get me wrong. but after your last few pieces, this one felt really anti-climactic to me. it seems like a good story to tell your friends later, but nothing profound happened, no greater lesson was learned. and that's not necessary. but... i dunno. i guess i was looking for it. silly me, ruining things with expectations.

i'll be back later with more.
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#9
To say the least...I was quite amused
Gunpowder: FUCKING ROCKS!!!
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#10
bump.

just from the brief glance, i liked this. i'll be back later for a more-in-depth.
#11
haha, for some reason i just knew that your most recent predecessor pieces were leading up to this.
this gives me the distinct feeling of a verbatim jim jones sermon; it's kinda scary, actually.

i'm at war with myself to like the narrator's dialogue in the second section. i understand why/but at the same time i feel like it's kind of crossed the line in terms of "over-the-edge?"(if you don't understand this, just let me know.)

did not appreciate the Jesus/shlong line. it was just too..."here it is; now take it up the ass!" i couldn't find any reverence either as to why it was just "put out there" like that. basically what i'm saying is that it's a very naked/reliant line that's out of place because i just don't think that the dialogue backing it up is doing it's job very well standing alone.

ironically though, i loved the rest. not much to say on it really. BTW, i did like the Grandma Death/Donnie Darko reference. i don't think anybody here got that....

good job Zach. keep 'em coming buddy, i enjoyed this.
#12
Thanks Kent.

The reason that schlong line was there... is because this is a true story. It's not the type of thing I could make up for a piece... well at least not that I normally would. Anyways, this is all true... just played up a bit. That line of thought is word for word what I was thinking, the phrase is word for word what I mumbled out loud, and the hymnal thing is pretty close to what actually happened. She did hit me and chase me... just not as well as I made it out to be.

As far as over-the-edge... did you mean that I was just too irreverent there? Like that type of over the edge?

Anyways, thanks for the thoughts Kent. I'll be getting to your next one.


and GunPowder: glad you were amused, I must be doing my job.

and ray: thanks
#13
maybe "over the edge" was too over the edge a statement; lulz, pun?

...anyway;

seriously though, it just seems like something a passionate 14-year old would retort after receiving an in-church spanking - sorry to be so blunt; no offense meant at all.

i always look forward to any kind of dialogue in your work because it's usually a very intricate/formulated sattire that just makes my day. i guess this one just really didn't hit the mark for me, this time, unfortunately.

regardless though, i enjoyed the piece as a whole. like i said, i'm a Palanhouik(99.9% positive that's mispelled) fan; and your "writer's personality?" resembles the vibes/emotions/shapes and tones of his own. not to say you're unoriginal, but it's cool to see familiarity in originality.
#14
Quote by ZanasCross
WARNING: If you are offended by religious irreverence, don't read this; its not an attack on you... just me expressing myself. This is piece partially true, but is also quite irreverent due to some recent issues with religion. c4c.


What a tasty aroma. Cheap coffee, cheaper wine, nursing home, and oak pews that haven't left this sanctuary in thirty years. Nothing gets me going quite like that smell. Pastor Norman is speaking on holiness today... again. Last Sunday: holiness; the Sunday before that: holiness. He's a bit like a broken record, only more annoying because records aren't monotone or judgmental. He steps to the microphone.

Nice flow that you've here. It's very accesible as in it's something a lot of people could relate to. I think "Monotone" is too visible compared to the other more simple words you've. But anyway This was a strong stanza.

"Sinners, bow your heads with me, for the Lord shall grant you peace." We do.

My brain lights up with random thoughts as he begins to drone to the Lord.

Lose this line!

Well, even God can't blame me for day-dreaming now, I'm sure he's sleeping through this prayer. Who fucking wouldn't? Norm prays the same damn thing every week. Dear God, save us all. How monotonous and half-assed. If I were to pray for the church, I'd do this: "Dear God, we have sinned. We've sucked at life, fucked our neighbors, sucked our neighbors and fucked our lives." Get some passion in there. Maybe then God wouldn't be so mysterious, he'd show up in shades and a suit telling us to 'keep it real.' Hmmm, they say Jesus experienced every thing man does. So, yeah, he had to experience lust...

I liked some of this but in the whole it's quite blah. You we're really pushing your disgust to the audience; although we know that you're disgusted. This would have been a solid piece if you conveyed your anger of the chracter's anger than by simply saying "fucking"

"... I wonder if Jesus had a big cock." Amen resounds around the room. When my eyes open, I find eight red-eyes staring at me. Four belong to Grandma Pilate, the eldest patron of the church and probably also the mother or Protestantism; she was definitely around when it began. My wheels are turning; oh shit, I said that out loud.

I like this stanza until the final two sentences which i think you didn't refer enough to them.

Her hand glides to a hymnal. "That was the most blasphemous thing anyone has ever said boy. How dare you insult the Lord! How dare you speak of his genitalia!" She came out of her seat. A four-foot nine granny had never been so intimidating. She had obviously had some practice with Bible-beating, her first swing caught me on the jaw. "The word of the Lord is a mighty-sword"; Paul wasn't joking. Granny Pilate is adding to the nursing home odor, working up quite the sweat while trying to beat some repentance into me.

This had good and humour espicially the last line which i thought was class. The only problem with this is that there is little flow.

Instinct kicked in after three shots (as much as it can when one is being beaten by Grandma Death) and my feet began carrying me out of the sanctuary. Her heels click behind me in hot pursuit, she’s got to purify the house of the Lord now.


I didn't get much out of this stanza, maybe a little interpration could help.


Overall i thought this was a good piece by you, not your best or worst but i think i got something out of it, which is always a good thing.

Thank you for getting to mine.