#1
Living within the shadow of greed,
Its skin pale, its eyes green,
Cloaked in dimness, it hides unaware,
It feasts on passion, it breeds despair.

Just a suggestion will plant a seed
To cultivate a monster for sights unseen.
To overshadow judgment, with a mind impaired,
With heart pounding, with teeth bared.

Hellish desire will torment, will deem
The wrong to be right - or so it would seem.
Gunpowder: FUCKING ROCKS!!!
Quote by The Madcap
[witty set-up]
Gunpowder FUCKING ROCKS!!!!!

Quote by Kensai

Gunpowder you fucking rock!!

Quote by Dirge Humani
Now I can say, with sufficient certainly, that you, Gunpowder...

FUCK ROCKS!
#3
Not many people seem to be able to pull off rhymes without sounding forced. Yours sounds so natural and easily flows with all absence of awkwardness in any of the lines.

The wording was also very expressive. It really put a clear picture in my head and evoked strong emotion. I enjoyed reading this piece, you did a very good job.
#4
Quote by Gunpowder
Living within the shadow of greed,
Its skin pale, its eyes green,
Cloaked in dimness, it hides unaware,
It feasts on passion, it breeds despair.


I like this stanza alot, as it is a very powerful opening. It creates a picture in my head of an almost monster-like creature which feeds on the unhapiness of those around it.. Your use of punctuation helps the stanza to flow really well, which is something alot of people find hard to manage.

Quote by Gunpowder
Just a suggestion will plant a seed
To cultivate a monster for sights unseen.
To overshadow judgment, with a mind impaired,
With heart pounding, with teeth bared.


This stanza builds on the idea you created in the first, and keeps the theme running strongly. Again there is a good use of punctuation, which is something I always like to see.

Quote by Gunpowder
Hellish desire will torment, will deem
The wrong to be right - or so it would seem.


I really like this ending. It brings the whole piece together as a whole, but you could still add someting onto the end if this is not the final draft of the piece. All in all this is a very strong piece. Like the poster above me said, your rhymes aren't forced which helps the piece to flow naturally. I can see this fitting into a Metalcore/Metal song, that what kind of genre you wrote it for?

I'd appreciate it if you could look at my latest piece, here's the link:To You I Bid Farewell and Goodnight (Your Lullaby)

Hope to read more of your stuff in the future, keep me posted on this song,

Thanks;

-Toby
#5
Thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback

To Toby: I didn't have any specific genre in mind when I wrote it; I was in English, and it kind of just came to me, so I scribbled it down on the edge of my paper. And yes, it's still a rough draft.
Gunpowder: FUCKING ROCKS!!!
Quote by The Madcap
[witty set-up]
Gunpowder FUCKING ROCKS!!!!!

Quote by Kensai

Gunpowder you fucking rock!!

Quote by Dirge Humani
Now I can say, with sufficient certainly, that you, Gunpowder...

FUCK ROCKS!
#6
Very good written, the images and the words used are beyond great. This is how a poet should write
D F O I N N T D
T W H O I R S D
Y O O R U
W S I U L C L K
A M S Y S

Quote by ScreamAim&Fire


Beautiful.
XxLloydxX for president!
Even though I'm english..

Want to hear Super Mario Bros Theme on electric rock guitar? SuperMarioBro
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