#1
This a pretty hard to understand poem I wrote, it contains a simple story that is hard to decipher because of the language I used.

And please crit because everything I write is never critted!

Divine Judgment

He walks on top of Satan’s road
With memories of pensive hate
His past is blind and dark and sewed
But he fears not his unsaved fate

As an innocent soul of a kindred pure heart
And a witness of death and her tragic despair
Of her love and his life that drove her to bliss
She cried now dried tears and fell through abyss

The man who waits one step to hell
And plans his task and starts to dwell
About his life, indignity
Of endangered hope and humanity

And the woman became a lost soul of weak-will
Destroyed and tormented with a hole through her mind
Suffering iniquity and falling through wells
The hole in her thoughts became filled with decease

Demons gather to draw his soul
Without judgment he perishes
Thus the doomed fool burns in hellhole
His blood was cold, burned with ashes

Her spirit is hidden, her heart lacks a shadow
With no fear of dying she walks to the river
And she looks through the flow, remembers her lover
Looks through her image and discovers her heart
She stares at the water and looks through its sky
She finds her lost spirit and she meets love in heaven.
D F O I N N T D
T W H O I R S D
Y O O R U
W S I U L C L K
A M S Y S

Quote by ScreamAim&Fire


Beautiful.
XxLloydxX for president!
Even though I'm english..

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#2
Very dark imagery, definitely, with the last line serving as a kind of "redemption" to the story that you built throughout the rest of it.

If I may make a suggestion...

The last line of the second stanza seems a bit forced, say you may want to clean up your wording a little bit.

Also, the rhyme scheme is unusual; it doesn't follow a specific pattern stanza by stanza, but each stanza has its own specific rhyme pattern (and some have none at all). I'm not sure if you did this on purpose to gain a certain effect, though.

That said, I think that you definitely have something here.
Gunpowder: FUCKING ROCKS!!!
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[witty set-up]
Gunpowder FUCKING ROCKS!!!!!

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Gunpowder you fucking rock!!

Quote by Dirge Humani
Now I can say, with sufficient certainly, that you, Gunpowder...

FUCK ROCKS!
#3
Quote by Gunpowder
Very dark imagery, definitely, with the last line serving as a kind of "redemption" to the story that you built throughout the rest of it.

If I may make a suggestion...

The last line of the second stanza seems a bit forced, say you may want to clean up your wording a little bit.

Also, the rhyme scheme is unusual; it doesn't follow a specific pattern stanza by stanza, but each stanza has its own specific rhyme pattern (and some have none at all). I'm not sure if you did this on purpose to gain a certain effect, though.

That said, I think that you definitely have something here.



All stanzas have a rhyme scheme

The rhyme scheme of the 1st stanza is the same as the 3rd and 5th stanzas.
The rhyme scheme of the 2nd is the same as the 4th and 6th stanzas.
I did this on purpose, cause in the stanzas 1, 3 and 5 it talks about a man and stanzas 2, 4 and 6 talk about a woman, I wanted to change the rhyme scheme to make it easier for the reader to know of which character i'm talking about.

If no one understood the story I'll write it
D F O I N N T D
T W H O I R S D
Y O O R U
W S I U L C L K
A M S Y S

Quote by ScreamAim&Fire


Beautiful.
XxLloydxX for president!
Even though I'm english..

Want to hear Super Mario Bros Theme on electric rock guitar? SuperMarioBro
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Last edited by XxLloydxX at May 4, 2008,
#4
Stanza by stanza, the rhyme scheme looks to me to be:

Stanza 1: a, b, c, b
Stanza 2: d, e, f, f
Stanza 3: g, g, h, h
Stanza 4: i, j, k, l
Stanza 5: m, n, m, n
Stanza 6: o, p, p, q, r, s

It doesn't look like stanzas 1, 3, and 5 or 2, 4, and 6 follow the same rhyme scheme to me

Or am I missing something?
Gunpowder: FUCKING ROCKS!!!
Quote by The Madcap
[witty set-up]
Gunpowder FUCKING ROCKS!!!!!

Quote by Kensai

Gunpowder you fucking rock!!

Quote by Dirge Humani
Now I can say, with sufficient certainly, that you, Gunpowder...

FUCK ROCKS!
#5
i dont think the rhyme scheme is that problematic, i think there are some syllabic bulks every now and then; but who cares.
It was alright man...give yourself some credit...
its not THAT hard to understand, nor is the language difficult so well done.
J. Alfred Prufrock on the other hand.....
Now thats a poem thats hard to understand :P
xx
#6
Quote by Gunpowder
Stanza by stanza, the rhyme scheme looks to me to be:

Stanza 1: a, b, c, b
Stanza 2: d, e, f, f
Stanza 3: g, g, h, h
Stanza 4: i, j, k, l
Stanza 5: m, n, m, n
Stanza 6: o, p, p, q, r, s

It doesn't look like stanzas 1, 3, and 5 or 2, 4, and 6 follow the same rhyme scheme to me

Or am I missing something?



Ohh yeahh sorry I read rythm instead of rhyme, I meant that the rythm of the poem is the same for 1, 3 and 5 and diffrent rythm for 2, 4 and 6.
The rhyming scheme is diffrent because I didn't take rhyming so importantly in this poem so you may notice the awkward scheme.


Quote by hiddeninromance
i dont think the rhyme scheme is that problematic, i think there are some syllabic bulks every now and then; but who cares.
It was alright man...give yourself some credit...
its not THAT hard to understand, nor is the language difficult so well done.
J. Alfred Prufrock on the other hand.....
Now thats a poem thats hard to understand :P
xx


About the syllabic bulks, you may find the poem awkward because the syllables are diffrent in stanzas 1, 3 and 5 from 2, 4 and 6.
There are 8 syllables in each line of stanzas 1, 3 and 5 with the rythm of the poem cutting by half those 8 forming 4 syllables seperated by rythm from the other 4.

And stanzas 2, 4 and 6 have 12 syllables and sometimes 10 because of small pauses that make up for those 2 I guess....
D F O I N N T D
T W H O I R S D
Y O O R U
W S I U L C L K
A M S Y S

Quote by ScreamAim&Fire


Beautiful.
XxLloydxX for president!
Even though I'm english..

Want to hear Super Mario Bros Theme on electric rock guitar? SuperMarioBro
BuyMYMusic
SellMusic
#7
No, the syllabic bulk I was referring to occurs on the first lines of the stanzas.
Their are 7 syllables on stanza ones first line, then 12, then 8, then 8, then 12.
It's Iambic I believe, and the first line of the second stanza throws the whole rhythm which has been started.
I understand that it is not neccesary to use the same blue print of syllables but, when the rhyme is regular, and the syllables are not it creates a 'bulk'; it was really nothing major.
-
And like I said the language you use is fine; if anyone has ever read the last lord of the rings book they would of come across those words.