#1
i was reading someone else's poem about a lonely day so i thought i'd do my own lonely day. i was also listening to "needle in the hay" while writing this so this kind of goes along with the music of that. but anyway, here it is:


On a lonely day
There’s nothing left to say
When your heart is blank
Can’t forget your mistake
The man behind my eyes
Has expelled my disguise
How much more can I take
Without a warm embrace

There’s only white walls around
Giving off a thin sound
My mind is falling apart
I’m putting up my guard
I wonder what I will be
The places I’ll see
The man I will come to be
Is there more misery?

Lonely day
Lonely day...

I tap my restless hand
It’s just the man that I am
But you don’t want to know
How deep that I go
Nothing goes through your mind
You fritter away your time
This is getting so clear
Oh, if only dear…

Lonely day
Lonely day...
Quote by Jackintehbox
Pedophilia all the way man. Go for it.

Quote by deathbat831
hahaha i thought you wrote Philidelphia all the way, i was like yeah philidelphias cool i spose

Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
I'm always too embarrassed to buy condoms. Saran wrap is cheaper, anyway.
#3
^ I didn't see the flow that much.

I think that if you put more time into this, you could make it better.
I DO like the "white walls" line, but I also think that most - if not all - of your rhymes are a bit... overused in lyrics nowadays. I like the message behind this poem, and I think this would be a better poem if you analyzed it some more, maybe used a thesaurus.

Sorry if I came off as harsh. Only trying to help.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#5
Quote by ottoavist
SOAD anyone?

do yourself a favor man; be original.

If you actually read the lyrics, you'd know that this song had nothing to do with SOAD's "Lonely Day".

Many songs by different artist's have the same name.
Do yourself a favor. Write an actual crit or don't say anything at all.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#6
Quote by ratmblink123
If you actually read the lyrics, you'd know that this song had nothing to do with SOAD's "Lonely Day".

Many songs by different artist's have the same name.
Do yourself a favor. Write an actual crit or don't say anything at all.


you're right it's not an actual "crit." it's a "suggestion." - and i'm pretty sure that's acceptable.

i'm well aware that many songs have the same name; the SOAD comment is only in reference to the title. orginality is a trait amongst great artists; not usually among the crowd who take the cop-out on something so obvious as the name of a song.

EDIT: an opinion, my friend. no need to get so touchy.