#1
Under October’s feet stands a priest picking up
the ashes of those he ever loved and those
he’ll never meet. Maybe it was suppose to end
this way? Holy Brother of the Juniper Gardens
with the sackcloth of infertility, a motionless cymbal.
This is the sound of the basement tape;
this is the kingdom of seclusion.
You’ll be thrown under the ventricle valleys,
you’ll be lead away like a widow burying
her stones. Those who choose to follow,
those who choose to eat from the crop
that grows from the anchors
must deny it. But if we were to
cut down the rainforests and append
them on the cross,
would we be that much closer to meeting God?
“I doubt it!” said the Walrus.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Oct 28, 2008,
#6
That's intruiging, do you have a melody to go behind it yet, because I like the lyrics quite a bit.
Rag Mop Do Do Duh DoDo Dedo Do!!!!!

R_A_G_G_M_O_P_P

RAGMOP
#7
Quote by Bleed Away
Under October’s feet stands a priest picking up
the ashes of those he ever loved and those
he’ll never meet. Maybe it was suppose to end
this way?

Stop here. I didn't like a few of your line breaks. For example, the breaking after 'up' makes the second like dull. Jump to after 'ashes of' and now the second line is interesting and the next line is still more developmental making it work too. Also, not a fan of ending the question on the next line. Probably just me thought. Interesting opening, only thing I'm confused on is why october? oh wellz, reading on now.

Holy Brother of the Juniper Gardens
with the sackcloth of infertility, a motionless cymbal.
This is the sound of the basement tape;
this is the kingdom of seclusion.
You’ll be thrown under the ventricle valleys,
you’ll be lead away like a widow burying
her stones.

Ok, this is having the same problem that I've been having with my pieces lately. On its own, its a nice read. Interesting phrasing, decent imagery, quirky but intriguing ideas. However, we as readers can tell there is something more underneath it all... we just don't know what it is. Which is aggravating. This exactly what my last pieces have been... they mean something to me, but no one else could possibly decipher it.

Those who choose to follow,
those who choose to eat from the crop
that grows from the anchors
must deny it. But if we were to
cut down the rainforests and append
them on the cross,
would we be that much closer to meeting God?
“I fucking doubt it!” said the Walrus.

Your last line killed this piece. Why the walrus? what's the significance? why jump from concrete and poetic imagery and ideas to such an abstract personification that has next to no value to the reader? Why did october matter from the beginning? Drop your last line and you have an ace closing.



All in all, not a bad read. Not your best, not your worst. I didn't get much from it other than a few nice images and a wonderful penultimate idea. But not a bad read. If you could be so kind as to read and comment on one of them in my sig, I'd appreciate it.

-zC
#8
i think your writing shines through in a very "prophetic" voice; which can easily complicate the meaning to the viewers.
when i read your work, i get lost in an array of beautiful imagery and metaphors; but at the same time, i'm scurrying around to know what it all means.(most of the time)

it just seems like you focus so hard on conceiling the understand behind the words, that the piece itself gets wrapped up in this idea, and makes it almost impossible to convey to a wider audience.
it's like that one doofus(Red33) commented:

"That's intruiging, do you have a melody to go behind it yet, because I like the lyrics quite a bit."

personally, i think that if you would take just a little more time on the meanings inside; you'll have something absolutely beautiful on your hands. you're a great writer man.
#9
Beautiful imagery indeed but you need more explanation of it. I'm left happy after reading it but a tad confused.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
Under October’s feet stands a priest picking up
the ashes of those he ever loved and those he’ll never meet.

Brilliant beginning, very original and vivid nice to see something different.


Maybe it was suppose to end this way?

Holy Brother of the Juniper Gardens
with the sackcloth of infertility, a motionless cymbal.
This is the sound of the basement tape;
this is the kingdom of seclusion.
You’ll be thrown under the ventricle valleys,
you’ll be lead away like a widow burying
her stones.

"This is the sound of the basement tape" I just can't help myself I just have to tell you how much I liked that line. But however the rest of the stanza has very good imagery and is nicely written, but I as a reader can't really decipher what your on about.


Those who choose to follow,
those who choose to eat from the crop
that grows from the anchors
must deny it. But if we were to
cut down the rainforests and append
them on the cross,
would we be that much closer to meeting God?
“I ****ing doubt it!” said the Walrus.

Oke first off the ending is hilarious, but the piece loses all seriousness when you put that in there. My mind automatically jumps to the walrus from "Woody the wood pecker". Once again nicely written it flows superbly but as to what you mean I still don't really understand it. You need to open this up more, try and explain things more whilst retaining your mystery.


Care to crit mine: Deserts Child
#11
I know you'll hate hearing this but I can see you falling into the same trap that I did and am still snared in. That is as Otto said, you mask the meaning; I have my reasons for doing so, but I can't speak for you.

On the other hand you're writing for yourself and if this is what comes naturally persue it, just don't forget your audience like I did.

As for the piece most stuff has been said, although 'append' stood out in the wrong way to me, it didn't fit the flow and the word is too loose for what I know you were trying to say.

This appealed to me, I don't know if it caught on with what you were going for but I liked.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.