#1
i've been toying around with different ways to write lyrics
tell me what you think so far

a white rose for you my dear
for a girl so clean and pure
time with you well spent
i'll love you till my death
feel the thorns prob and poke
as the vines start to choke
even after all the lies
i still get lost in your eyes

(Chorus)
a rose for you
to show i'm true
i'll always love you
as the thorns drain my blood
what i did was not what i should
a rose covered in blood

a red rose for you my dear
for the passion that you fear
lead to my hearts death
your every lying breath
feel the thorns rip deeper & deeper
as the vines keep me here
even after all the lies
you i can never despise

(chorus)

a black rose for you my dear
feel my mind start to steer
in the wront direction
this sick twisted affection
as my heart is bleeding out
all the vines make be doubt
if i can love your eyes
after all the lies

these petals
soaked with blood
covered in thorns
my only love
a dead rose
for you my dear

thats all i've got so far
any comments greatly appreciated
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(='.'=)Help the Bunny
(")_(")
#2
I kind of like where you were going with this, but I was a little disappointed with the rapid use of foced rhymes that really kind of ruined it for me. I think you have a lot of talent, but just need to harness it in a different light. Try again.
#4
mm i liked the idea. of 4 roses. it sounded cute. but there are some major flaws in this.
normally iw ould do a full crit but i am too lazy and a lot of mistakes you jsut repeat
1. stanza one.. so cliche. white?=pure. we've known this since the day of roses are red and violets are blue.
2. rhyming.. what is it with people that think rhymes make everything better lol. igues thats a dick way to say it. but it's true. one. you dont HAVE to rhyme everything. unless you going for a more traditional approach like a sonnet or w/e but those have strict structures. and i'm damn sure htis istn a sonnet or haiku.

over all.. it was.. ok.they rhymes really relaly threw it off. some idea's were cliche like i said. other then that nothing is SO flagrant. youd otn ahve to crit mine or hte persons above. in fact DONT crit his.. that crit he gave you was crap
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#5
thanks for the crit
i'm still learning about about lyric writing and i'm trying to find my own style, i never really thought you could rhyme to much so its a welcome awakining
(\__/)
(='.'=)Help the Bunny
(")_(")
#6
The first three lines of the chorus seem forced. The first verse is really cliche. I like how it changes to a "black rose" in the third verse. Try just being a little looser when you write, a lot of this has a good concept, but i think you might be trying too hard to write the perfect song.