#1
Bit of fun... just recounting old events of my life as of late... sort of fun. You should try it sometime. c4c.


My hand shot into the air. Ms. McNamara paused, and gazed over the class. Upon noticing that the hand belonged to me, she turned back to her chalkboard and continued whispering sweet nothings into its ears. She had a nick name for me: "her little pain in the ass." I always thought it had a nice ring to it, but seemed a bit inappropriate for a seventh-grader. I began to wave my hand back and forth from the back row of the class room. She sighed and gave in.

"Yes, Mr. Miller...."

"So I know this is jumping back a few topics, but um... why do we have to read Shakespeare again?" Her eyes focused in; lasers jumping from them and running through my head.

"Because he is a classic example of what writing SHOULD sound like."

"Well, I think his work is a load of crap." The class giggled, but I was only getting started. "I really wish someone would have told that Shakespeare queer to shut up. He's rambling about Hamlets and McDonalds stopped serving breakfast ten minutes ago." Laughter. "Now my stomach is growling and I have to listen to boring stories written in ye deade English by a man who can't tell a story worth listening too. I mean..."

"Mr. Miller, that is quite enough!"

"No, I don't think it is. Give me one good reason why I should have to read this bull and then I'll be quiet. But "because he's a classic" isn't a good reason, I want something solid."

She reached into her back pocket and pulled out a gem she had been saving for a rainy day, "because if you don't, I'll see to it that you never pass the seventh grade and you will never ever do anything worth while with your life."

I closed my lips. The class looked back at me waiting for a smart ass retort, but firmly understanding that I had just been owned by a seventy year old virgin. "I guess it’s true, age brings wisdom... and leverage."
#3
My main problem wiith these sort of pieces is that the whole set up and everything is always just leading to a punchline.

I don't really care about those involved, there's nothing but a set up and then a joke. The writing is cynical to the point that it sounds forced and plastic.

Idk. On one hand, yeah it's just one piece and I guess you will make yourself and a few others happy and laugh. On the other, it reeks of writing that's not got much to it, no real thought behind the words and not taking itself seriously.

My tuppence.

Could you take a look at the latest in my sig? I would appreciate your words back

EDIT: And I know you half-defended this in your opening comment but it does not invalidate this opinion.
#4
^ I agree with a lot of what he said. This style has been working for you (i know i don't post, but i lurk), but this piece in particular has very little substance behind it. You mouthed off to your teacher. great, but average...if you know what I mean. To make an episodic piece work well, you need to pull some greater truths from it. If you aren't careful with your writing it will quickly become pedantic.

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
#5
This piece had nothing in it. Okay, you bashed Shakespeare and you mouthed off your teacher but honestly, I didn't care at all. In fact, when I had finished reading I had sympathy for your teacher while I thought you (or the Miller person, at least) were kind of an idiot.

This made me think of Randy's stuff. The difference between you two is that he pulls it off while you, and this is my opinion of course, pretty much fail at it. There's just NOTHING to relate to and the punch line, I thought, was weak at best.

Just my two cents.


You might want to read some Shakespeare, maybe you'll learn something from him.
#6
Yeah, you guys are probably right. I don't know. I don't see why there has to be something to relate too and it can't just be a fun little anecdote. But that's probably just me.

Oh, and Cabby... I have read shakespeare... a lot of it. Didn't enjoy nor "connect" with any of it... guys overrated.
#7
didn't enjoy. i think you need to step away from this style if you want to progress and improve, with this one it seemed like you were totally stuck in this voice. in Hymnal Shock there was more to the character of the narrator, this one felt empty.