#1
You, a pool of reflection in a forest clearing.
Lilly-pad eyes, rotten toads centred,
spiders skating across your clear skin.

You with wildlife beneath you,
ever spawning new and new -
disgusting foot-suckers and
insect feeders, waiting for the current.
You, a hostess for the in-breds and the sexless.

You, a cold and remorseless watery grave of spawn.
You silent scum-stalker,

waiting to be infested every summer.



C4C.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 7, 2008,
#8
It's virtually perfect.

The only thing I'd point out, and I might be missing the point completely, is there's an occasional inconsistency between using the imagery as a simile, or a metaphor. I think it works best as the metaphor, it's a lot more powerful.. e.g.

You, a pool of reflection in a forest clearing.
Eyes like Lilly pads, - I would've thought you'd choose to say "Eyes of Lilly pads, or something along those lines which would be in keeping with the atmosphere of the remaining stanza's. But like I said, I might've got it wrong.

Overall, very solid. It's difficult to pull somthing like this off without resorting to tired phrases, you've kept it slightly offbeat and refreshing, which is great to read.
#9
Quote by Trickycindy
It's virtually perfect.

The only thing I'd point out, and I might be missing the point completely, is there's an occasional inconsistency between using the imagery as a simile, or a metaphor. I think it works best as the metaphor, it's a lot more powerful.. e.g.

You, a pool of reflection in a forest clearing.
Eyes like Lilly pads, - I would've thought you'd choose to say "Eyes of Lilly pads, or something along those lines which would be in keeping with the atmosphere of the remaining stanza's. But like I said, I might've got it wrong.

Overall, very solid. It's difficult to pull somthing like this off without resorting to tired phrases, you've kept it slightly offbeat and refreshing, which is great to read.


Great, great insight Trickyciny. Edited. Thankyou.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 7, 2008,
#10
Quote by Jammydude44

You, a pool of reflection in a forest clearing.
Lilly-pad eyes, rotten toads centred,
spiders skating across your clear skin.

Good language, good metaphors. I like this first stanza. Nothing I would do to change it.

You with wildlife beneath you,
ever spawning new and new -
disgusting foot-suckers and
insect feeders, waiting for the current.
You, a hostess for the in-breds and the sexless.

This just got much darker. But I like the usage of metaphors (again).

You, a cold and remorseless watery grave of spawn.
You silent scum-stalker,

waiting to be infested every summer.



C4C.


I really like this poem as a whole. I would just like to say that I wouldn't be surprised to see this in a magazine, or even as song lyrics, although it doesn't look like it would be lyrics, more of a poem, really. Good work, man.

If you wouldn't mind, I'd like it if you could check out my latest in my sig, (Out The Gates).
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#11
Quote by Jammydude44
You, a pool of reflection in a forest clearing.
Lilly-pad eyes, rotten toads centred,
spiders skating across your clear skin.

Dare I say epic? Lilly-pad eyes is certainly a refreshingly unique term. I love the way the first line starts the poem abruptly. Very nice.


You with wildlife beneath you,
ever spawning new and new -
disgusting foot-suckers and
insect feeders, waiting for the current.
You, a hostess for the in-breds and the sexless.

For some reason (nothing to do with your piece), I'm thinking about animal fetishes. Odd, that. Fairly interesting stanza. For me, the best part is the way you phrase the lines. Good job.

You, a cold and remorseless watery grave of spawn.
You silent scum-stalker,

waiting to be infested every summer.


Very nice work. But now I'm thinking about Wind in the Willows.. and I don't know why.


C4C.


Returning the favour.
#12
I like the way your first line gives the expectation of your average nature poem, and then the rest of the poem turns it into something unexpected, something, in actuality, unpleasant. Excellent.

Just one thing that bugged me: your last two lines. The first one felt too long, didn't flow enough for me. And "silent scum-stalker" felt a bit like forced alliteration. Other than that, I didn't see anything I didn't like.

Well done, once again.
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
#13
Quote by Jammydude44


You, a pool of reflection in a forest clearing.
Lilly-pad eyes, rotten toads centred,
spiders skating across your clear skin.

This is so much better than your rhyming pieces. It really frees your creativity (at least to me). Anyways, I liked everything but the "you." I liked the imagery and the sense of "metaphor" tucked into it. I know the "you" is the catch for the piece, but it just felt to direct for the rest of the descriptions, it stood out as a blunt thought amongst a sea or reserved ideas.

You with wildlife beneath you,
ever spawning new and new -
disgusting foot-suckers and
insect feeders, waiting for the current.
You, a hostess for the in-breds and the sexless.

This one, I didn't like so much. Seems like it just said the same thing as the last line... and the last line was more powerful. Seemed a bit repetitive. However, again the images are there and what not... I guess I just feel like you should use the last line more effectively and just say something different or change the first 4 a little so it isn't such a direct copy.


You, a cold and remorseless watery grave of spawn.
You silent scum-stalker,

waiting to be infested every summer.

Bravo. That is all.




Me likey. Just the second stanza bothered me a bit because of what I said. I may be wrong in interpretation, but to me it sounded like the last line was saying the same thing as the previous four... just in a much more powerful way. Who knows.

Thanks for raping me ~_^. You were right though.

-zC
#14
Okay just for clarification (chris/zach) they are not called "rhyming pieces" it's "light verse".



Thanks for the words everyone. I should be returning soon.
#15
I like how it kinda hits like a scud missile, at first it sounds like you're going to praise the natural beauty of the pond but then the reader is a hit with a barrage of the most unflattering metaphors. The pond takes on the likeness of a slimy, shady person which is also cool.

My only crit is with the last line, it just doesn't seem to fit right. A subtle change to something more concise would help it blend. Otherwise this is some of the best prose I've seen here so far.
#17
haha i like this. The way you layer on the metaphors to the pond.
Is this directed to any one person or a country or something?
I guess i relate it to a shady person or like a *****. Stds. gross.
yeah, good language.


Love the Low end
#18
I disagree with whoever said third from final line is too long. It's the legnth and disruption of flow that adds the power to "waiting to be infested every summer" - to me, at least.
#21
Quote by Jammydude44
Okay just for clarification (chris/zach) they are not called "rhyming pieces" it's "light verse".



Thanks for the words everyone. I should be returning soon.



Whatever, rhyme is ****. This is much better than your rhyming pieces




love is a dog from hell.



#22
Quote by Jammydude44
You, a pool of reflection in a forest clearing.
Lilly-pad eyes, rotten toads centred,
spiders skating across your clear skin.

You with wildlife beneath you,
ever spawning new and new -
disgusting foot-suckers and
insect feeders, waiting for the current.
You, a hostess for the in-breds and the sexless.

You, a cold and remorseless watery grave of spawn.
You silent scum-stalker,

waiting to be infested every summer.



C4C.

Absorbing. Good stuff.

I like the way you kept sounds and beat irregular, but maybe some straight forward flowing lines into some of the irregular ones might help increase the affect? I dunno, it's the only thing I can comment on. Good work.

Crit for crit?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=855593