#1
this is sort of a companion piece to a song i wrote a long time ago. i felt the need to write it though due to lots of media hype. i'm not a wright supporter, nor detractor. just someone with a keen eye for hypocrisy.

jeremiah exclaimed "god damn judah" from the streets
they had muddied their virgin white like a common whore
jeremiah exclaims "god damn america" from the pulpit
but when he speaks of righteous rage, people ask what for
falwell exclaimed "god damn america for the gays" on your screen
he sacrified christ, but for the sake of pain and misery, at the altar
jeremiah exclaims "god damn america" from the stage
yet the complacent majority just let their better senses falter

so does god curse us for gays or curse us for muslims?
or does he curse us for the injustices we extol in this land?
does he curse us for our tolerance in spite of disagreements?
or does he curse us for all his children that die by a star-spangled hand

this was this sin of your sister sodomerica, she was arrogant, overfed
and unconcerned, she did not help the poor; and now she lay justly dead


c4c obviously but please leave the link in here to your thread since i'm lazy.
#DTWD
#2
There are parts that don't flow as well as they could...like, "yet the complacent majority just let their better senses falter" just seems impossible to read in a way that doesn't sound metrically awkward. Other than that you have some solid imagery and I definintely understand the point you're making.
#3
Firstly flame;
This piece reads like that for a reason I believe. It's more Prose than simple rhyming, flowing literature. However, Primus may have meant it, sorry if i'm wrong.

Secondly.

Primus, I am grinning. Lots. Sodomerica? One word that is definitely entering my vocabulary.

so does god curse us for gays or curse us for muslims?

My favourite line. You joined two things that are intricate and yet completely different, while still following the ideas AND the plan you set forth. Well done.

The Rhyming couplet at the end... seems off... that's the only way I can put it. It's there, it flows, it rhymes, it's right it just.... doesn't seem conclusive.

I mean it brings it to a close, but it doesn't conclude it, you could end better. I'd try and re-word it possibly, only thing I can think of. Well done though

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=850988 is mine cheers
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#4
I liked this, 'Sodomerica' made me giggle.

The only off things I could pick up on was the line 'he sacrified christ, but for the sake of pain and misery, at the altar'. It seems disjointed and very much like you added the last bit just for the sake of rhyme and didn't know where to put the pain and misery bit. The rhyme at the end also seems like it could be phrased better, even though I quite like it. The guy above me said that it seems inconclusive, but I disagree. Think it needs a full stop to accent the 'dead'.

Could you crit the newer version of 'Thanks, Bob'? I'd greatly appreciate it. It's at the bottom of the thread and the link's just down there in my sig.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
jeremiah exclaimed "god damn judah" from the streets
they had muddied their virgin white like a common *****
jeremiah exclaims "god damn america" from the pulpit
but when he speaks of righteous rage, people ask what for
falwell exclaimed "god damn america for the gays" on your screen
he sacrified christ, but for the sake of pain and misery, at the altar
jeremiah exclaims "god damn america" from the stage
yet the complacent majority just let their better senses falter

Like the other guy said I'm grinning whilst I read this. Though there are a few flow problems. The last line is nearly a tongue twister "yet the complacent majority just let their better senses falter". "falwell exclaimed "god damn america for the gays" on your screen" what is "falwell" or is it a typo ?


so does god curse us for gays or curse us for muslims?
or does he curse us for the injustices we extol in this land?
does he curse us for our tolerance in spite of disagreements?
or does he curse us for all his children that die by a star-spangled hand

I really liked "star-spangled hand", but didn't completely understand what you meant with "or curse us for muslims?". But that could just be me


this was this sin of your sister sodomerica, she was arrogant, overfed
and unconcerned, she did not help the poor; and now she lay justly dead

Once again I really liked some of the words used to describe america especially "overfed and sodomerica.

Overall a nice piece, there are just here and there a few flow problems but they can easily be ironed out.

Care to crit mine: Deserts Child
#7
Quote by roamingbard13
^ 99% sure its a reference to jerry falwell http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jerry_falwell


This is the first politically driven piece on here that hasn't made me cringe. i would leave more...but its finals week and all. kudos.


Oh oke thanks I currently live in the Netherlands and haven't had a tv for more than two years, so that's probably why I didn't recognize it.
#8
Quote by Auals
Firstly flame;
This piece reads like that for a reason I believe. It's more Prose than simple rhyming, flowing literature. However, Primus may have meant it, sorry if i'm wrong.


yeah, i didn't have meter or anything in mind when writing it, i don't know why i felt it necessary to rhyme then, force of habit i guess.

and yeah the line about sacrificing jesus at the altar ... i put that second comma there out of habit. it does throw that line off.

thanks for the crits, guys and gals! i'll be reciprocating now.
#DTWD
#9
Quote by roamingbard13



This is the first politically driven piece on here that hasn't made me cringe. i would leave more...but its finals week and all. kudos.


I can't say it didn't make me cringe, because, well, being a Brit, the typical american politics/religon song is kind of cringeworthy.

However, you did it in on-the-whole well done satirical way. I still can't say I hugely enjoyed it (content and themes more than anything), though it was worth the read.

Would you mind taking a look at mine? The latest in my sig. Many thanks if you could.