#1
It feels like my soul is chained down
i can't believe what i see
my backs against the wall
god why do you burden me
I can't trust a mother****er that I know
especially her, with a black heart that shows

I can't free myself from this trap
Ever time I'm out I wind up turning back
I'd love to be free of your cold grasp
Diggin your nails deeper into my back

It hurts, everything that surrounds me
I feel like I don't know any of you
And I never get any sleep
It keeps me from peaceful dreams
That my so called friends aren't what they seem.
My gear
Ibanez RG7321
Jackson Warrior WRXT *FS/FT*
Jasmine J35
Squier Fender P-Bass
Ibanez TBX150H
Crate 4x12
Fender Rumble 60


Part of UG's 7 STRING LEGION
#3
yeah this is well done. its a theme people can relate to wich is a big plus for a song good work.
#4
Quote by ReinventingEvil
It feels like my soul is chained down
i can't believe what i see
my backs against the wall
god why do you burden me
I can't trust a mother****er that I know
especially her, with a black heart that shows
Hm. "Back's against the wall" and "black heart" are fairly cliche, and I think you could do better. There's no real reason you swear, although I'm found guilty of putting cussing into my songs occaisionally...
Overall, I like this stanza, but I think you could put a bit more work into it, and tell us more about WHY you feel chained down.


I can't free myself from this trap
Ever time I'm out I wind up turning back
I'd love to be free of your cold grasp
Diggin your nails deeper into my back
Ooh, I like "Diggin' your nails deeper into my back". It gives you a sort of image as to how bad this is hurting you.

It hurts, everything that surrounds me
I feel like I don't know any of you
And I never get any sleep
It keeps me from peaceful dreams
That my so called friends aren't what they seem.

I like the last line. It sort of sums up the entire poem in a way. "I feel like I don't know any of you" is a very blunt line, and I like it. It's good to put something like this into a poem every now and then, although you don't want it through a whole poem, or even through a whole stanza, in my eyes.

I think that this is definitely promising, but you could do much better. The whole thing seems a bit cliche to me, but I usually try to look past that. I'd say 6/10 overall.

Good work.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#5
If it matters, I wrote this in about 2 minutes, stoned out of my mind. I don't recall righting this, and I really don't recall any thought being put forth, so I'm assuming I did pretty good.

Thanks guys.
My gear
Ibanez RG7321
Jackson Warrior WRXT *FS/FT*
Jasmine J35
Squier Fender P-Bass
Ibanez TBX150H
Crate 4x12
Fender Rumble 60


Part of UG's 7 STRING LEGION
#6
It feels..

It feels like my soul is chained down
i can't believe what i see
my backs against the wall
god why do you burden me
I can't trust a mother****er that I know
especially her, with a black heart that shows

Everything is fine no problems except for this line, I find it confusing "I can't trust a mother****er that I know". What exactly do mean ? I take it you're saying that someone you know is untrustworthy and "She" is just like that person also untrustworthy ?

I can't free myself from this trap
Ever time I'm out I wind up turning back
I'd love to be free of your cold grasp
Diggin your nails deeper into my back

Once again I'd only make a few minor changes: I'd love to be free from your cold grasp
Diggin your finger nails deeper into my back


It hurts, everything that surrounds me
I feel like I don't know any of you
And I never get any sleep
It keeps me from peaceful dreams
That my so called friends aren't what they seem.

No problems but just for the sake of clarity, it's about the people you know "who aren't what they seem", and especially about a certain female ? It's just maybe a bit confusing how you switch between the two, or that's just me


Care to criticize mine: Deserts Child