#1
Drunk writing. As with anything I write, I just hope people can make sense of it. C4C, any comments appreciated.

I'm starting to stink,
stuck in a sink,
my axis unaligned.
I don't think,
I just drink
until my gears don't grind.

My components are confounded,
cosine undefined;
my labours earned a bleak visage
for this mirage of coal I've mined.

I make myself sick,
on the fritz,
programmed to self-destruct.
Erratic tick,
sporadic schitz,
my motherboard is ****ed.

Pressure turns coal into diamonds,
pressure turns diamonds to dust.

We may have different programs but we share a common tie;
though encrypted by malignancy I can see it in your eye;
calm, controlled, proud, its anything but dry...
I try to be like you but my shorted circuits fry;
the girl who showed me God hid the devil in her thigh;
I'm a washed up monk,
divine drunk,
trying too hard to die;
can't stand without a helping hand but my dreams get me sky high.
#2
There was something about this that charmed me. Slightly.

You have a bucket of throwaway lines in here. "cosine undefined" and "on the fritz" sticking out for me.

But in the general tone and voice I found something I liked.

In future pieces I'd say to just think a little more clearly on the ideas you want to convey and how each word and phrase will relate that idea to the reader/audience. This felt a little rushed, a little jagged, deifnitely not well revised, but showed some real potential.

And it also felt drunk, which I guess is about right

If you could leave a small comment on my latest I'd appreciate it. Thanks if you can.