#1
Alright, my friend wrote this one and asked me to put it up for him..I like it. please crit for him.


Child

We can watch our
Futures Pass on by
As we fail before
our premiere try

We can sit and
see the flowers grow
Haunted and hunted
by the winter snow

I Dont Care

We've got no records
No plan to follow,
My feet are bare and
my head is hollowed
Out....

Aeroplanes come flying
through my mind
Past all the tiny
people left behind

No matter what they tell you
nothings free
Because you choose between
food and gasoline

I Don't Care
And if I did there
Still just no way out

Messages come
written in the clouds
As my head is let loose
and sang aloud

I Don't Care

Broken spirits floating
down the stream
Because they learn
faster than the can dream

We can watch our futures
pass us by
No matter what you're a
Child in my eyes...
#2
ok the first stanze, would be better if it was worded just a teeny bit different. everything else seems to just flow out. while i was reading it i sang it and on the first try i got a good rythmn. this is a good sign.
my favorite was the second stanza. all four lines of this stanze are just so good, very well written. its kinda saying like as the winter rolls in the flowers are being killed which is a cool subtle message.

9/10

crit mine on blog section of profile, a little bit different then what you write though