#1
I hear myself say
I wish I could be there with you

Got to get away from here
And every single thing I fear
Because I know out there there’s a better life for me
I get to spend it all with you

Babe my mind is out of tune
But as soon as I’m with you
I’ll be singing every little note right

When it seems to me the finer things
In life are just too hard to find
I know when I’m with you
I’ll see every thing fine and clear

Babe my mind is out of tune
But as soon as I’m with you
I’ll be singing every little note right

I know you’re far away
But that’s where I want to be
Oh, I’ll be fine with you
For ever and always I’ll be fine with you

Babe my mind is out of tune
But as soon as I’m with you
I’ll be singing every little note right


wrote a really long time ago...
#2
I can tell that you wrote it a long time ago. It doesn't seem up to the standard of other things i've read of yours.

It's cliche and simple. However writing songs on this topic using that type of idea is incredibly hard and I didn't cringe while I was reading it (Except during the Here/Fear bit, I advise changing it)

I personally didn't like it... but as I said, writing something like this and making it different is incredibly hard, try and say it differently without the "when you're gone" or "if you're here" idea. The best songs like this are hardly about the relationship at all. Take "Fake Plastic Trees", the song is almost completely about something else and then Thom pops up with "If I could be what you wanted" you realise that he's talking about how fake everything is around him and how he wishes he could be himself and have her like it. Metaphors and Similies are your friend, not blatantness.

Good luck

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=850988 is mine, if you haven't gotten to it already.
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#3
I think we just have different likes and different song writing styles. You seem to make rules for your self like you don't like any rhymes. That kind of thing works for some people. In my opinion that kind of thing can hold you back. I see your points but those things going work with every song. Sometimes just being strait forward works well too.
#4
I don't make rules for myself. My poetry at the moment don't rhyme but that's because I'm just trying to write. You should check out some of my older stuff, it will show you how I write my songs. I'll post something if you want to see it.

I was just trying to help, being too straight forward will make you end up sounding like Simple Plan, so just try and write more intensely. It was help man.
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#5
yeah I know. I just write to write though. I don't care if it rhymes or what it sounds like. it depends on the situation. some times strait forward works some times it dosn't. its all good though.