#1
[color="RoyalBlue"]

[U][B]Sniffing Ducks[/B][/U]

Striped slender shirts 
bought for
tight ribbed woman 
that love me. 
Wandering words 
they lisp around smoking buildings, 
but I,
I only wanted her 
because I thought
she was pretty. 

 Here in the afterlife, we dine
fine cuisine; I laugh with
 my second cousin, she died of
a heroin overdose when I was three.
 I've never been too far from my
heart, above the ground, behind
 my imagination and below the legs
where my family horse wanders around.
 I have two rooms, one where I
relax and the other where I chillax,
 and I ask Jesus every day if he hates
when we masturbate. The truth is that they
 don't have clothes
in heaven, and I don't
 like the way my thighs look. I heard
the devil wears cargo pants, where
 he keeps all the sins of everyone
in three or four pockets. 

We went walking after I'd bought
 her the sweater for her birthday.
We were necking
 and finger ****ing
in bathrooms that we'd pass, and
 every so often she'd ask me
whether or not--
--something wrong.
 I usually don't venture into
the extremes of her morality, I might--
 There aren't any bread crumbs.
comfortable dressing-- 
 losing my
own hands when we gather flowers. I
 mistake the sorry smell for flouri--
or flouride, 
 and I grow hairs--
The back of my eyes. 
 Tugging sleeves,
she'd written on her arms something
 about the fourth of July, but I kept
grabbing at something that I'd
 only leave in the afterlife. Where
is her family an--

I'd suggest that for my funeral, 
everyone that comes must cry.
 I want every female to kiss my--
and I want every male to admit
that I was bet--
 So in my vanity, I can
part with the past.[/COLOR]
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
My only thing would be to point out to use enjambment more to emphasise important words in a sentence rather than use it as a line break.

Here in the afterlife, we dine
fine cuisine; I laugh with
my second cousin, she died of
a heroin overdose when I was three.


Here, I think the "my" should be on the line above and "a" in the third, so the idea in the next line has more impact - especially with "heroine overdose". Sometimes I think your linebreaks are there for more style over substance (flow, yes, but still..).

grabbing at something that I'd
only leave in the afterlife. Where


See you used it right there, so I think consistency with that sort of execution would make you stronger still.

grabbing at something that I'd
only leave in the afterlife.


I didn't care for that ambigous statement, which isn't really cleared up or, for the reader, adding any real importance to meaning. It's just there, looking deeper than I feel it really is. It certainly was a "meh" moment for me. Doesn't feel complete, sort has an air of you know what it means but don't want the reader to.

Your imagery is always a strong point and I'm a big fan of that aspect of your writing. This was a great read on the whole, apart from the points I made.

Think you could return? Appreciate some words on my latest in my sig. Thanks if you can.