#1
Yet another unfinished acoustic piece. C4C

Deserts Child

A thousand suns flooding a woman lost in the crowd
Twelve years she's been bleeding while a child waits in the sand
Spirits in the desert a body swaying in the sun
The years came and went while the crooked tree grew tall
We both know how it feels to gaze into the mirror
To see and to feel what is really within

When she's lost upon the wind embraced only by the sea
Palms on palms, lips on lips, was she only sleeping
A hand reaches out from amongst the lonely crowd
Grasping at the shrouded spirit touching only the son
Who has seen the thorns and fire but never smelled the ashes
Who has roamed the desert and never wondered why

But do you remember when you were young
Kites flying reflected by the sun
Standing 'neath the old tree where kings and poets lie
Golden leaves falling slowly covering up the sky
You where one amongst many now you're just a whisper
Forgotten in the sun exiled from memory
#4
the lyrical imagery is great, the only thing i'd suggest is that you need to add more, or re-structure it a bit so there's more continuation or wrapping up. At the moment, it seems like you've got lots of really good lines that have been loosely connected... just a thought.
#5
Quote by Trickycindy
the lyrical imagery is great, the only thing i'd suggest is that you need to add more, or re-structure it a bit so there's more continuation or wrapping up. At the moment, it seems like you've got lots of really good lines that have been loosely connected... just a thought.


Care to elaborate ? Which lines do mean for example ?
#6
Quote by GNR's Fan
Yet another unfinished acoustic piece. C4C

Deserts Child

A thousand suns flooding a woman lost in the crowd
Twelve years she's been bleeding while a child waits in the sand
Spirits in the desert a body swaying in the sun
The years came and went while the crooked tree grew tall
We both know how it feels to gaze into the mirror
To see and to feel what is really within

To be honest, the starting line was very 'meh' for me. It gets a little better during the build up but then you introduce a 'we', which detracts from the 'she' previously and I'm utterly lost. I know, I'm hopeless.

When she's lost upon the wind embraced only by the sea
Palms on palms, lips on lips, was she only sleeping
A hand reaches out from amongst the lonely crowd
Grasping at the shrouded spirit touching only the son
Who has seen the thorns and fire but never smelled the ashes
Who has roamed the desert and never wondered why

Better, much better, than the first stanza. Still very cryptic and vague, but at least there's an atmosphere being built here. Great work. The last three lines do a particularly good job of linking together and building the impact.

But do you remember when you were young
Kites flying reflected by the sun
Standing 'neath the old tree where kings and poets lie
Golden leaves falling slowly covering up the sky
You where one amongst many now you're just a whisper
Forgotten in the sun exiled from memory

Oh dear. I'm getting confused again. 2nd, 3rd and 4th lines are where it's at. They piggyback on the atmosphere built up previously and they really give a sense of finality to the whole piece. 4th line FTW.


Overall, nice piece. I liked it. Quite a lot.