#1
After Jumping Off the Roof of Your Old High School

The doc sends you home
with some glorious drug
that rumbles your stomach,
produces a swift, sweeping glow,
a continual buzz that makes you think
you suddenly know something.

Big.
Your arm is big.
Hand too.

You stretch back the white lines of bandages
and a bump juts out of the side
like a misplaced second elbow.
A bruise like purple magic marker
covers the underside of your forearm
passing the bicep, almost up the shoulder.

Don't leave home.
It'll be worse than the Super Bowl and election put together.
They'll all ask the same questions.
Already, your cousin has called, voice casual,
making sure you were just drunk, right?
This isn't some suicide thing?

Already your aunt has sent flowers,
lilacs and daffodils humming on the kitchen table.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
Last edited by less than that at May 10, 2008,
#4
It felt a lot less clever than usual, Mike.

Maybe it was the child-like tone and wording, but just in it's exeuction there was lacking wit and spark with the language.

The whole colouring book/magic marker thing wasn't too interesting, imo, and things such as this "It'll be worse than the superbowl and election put together." just felt like ranty juvenalia.

Meh. That was my rection.

Fancy a quick comment back on my latest? Appreciate it if you could.
#5
I like your ideas, but I think they can be written a lot more elegantly. Some parts were really awkward. First, the gurgles your stomach line. It just doesn't make any sense to me grammatically. Something can gurgle in your stomach. Also, the wiggle back... part, I don't think wiggle is the right word, maybe stretched? And its your right arm. I loved the last line though. You wouldn't think of flowers humming but it fits nicely
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#6
Usually your stuff hits me on first read, but I read this a few times and found it more striking with each successive time. The last three lines of the second stanza, for instance, felt strange to me until the third time, when I realized that "almost up the shoulder" was one of the best phrases in the piece. The third stanza was immediately great.

I think you should change the first stanza. It wasn't up to your poetic standard. And these lines:

You wiggle back the white lines of bandages
and it's as if you're right arm were a coloring book.

Could be written better too, I think. Even though I found parts I didn't like in this, I actually think I liked it more than usual. Which is saying a lot.
#7
I didn't dig it at first, then I read Evan's comment, and read it again, then liked it more. The last stanza definitely sticks out as stronger than the other two.
Agghh skeet, skeet, crit me, skeet, skeet!
#9
edits. thanks guys.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#13
I liked it, it was unusually voiced which gave it a certain edge. I'd prefer a little more abstraction, though. You have what it takes for that.
#15
Well, i usually dont make bad comments but i see tha people on these threads mostly suck other peoples arses to get a good crit for thei own song.

i didnt like it i must say...
i meen, it is great that you find the strengh to write about it but i think that an incident like that deserved a better try...

If you mind checkin mine, Spent, front page
#16
In all honesty the first verse is the only good one... . I'd get to work changing the others.
Party
Pants
In
My
Come
Wanna
You?


Quote by M.B.MetalTabber
clothes, you don't want as much detail as emptybullet gave you now, do you?
#18
Quote by KenMasters
Well, i usually dont make bad comments but i see tha people on these threads mostly suck other peoples arses to get a good crit for thei own song.

i didnt like it i must say...
i meen, it is great that you find the strengh to write about it but i think that an incident like that deserved a better try...

If you mind checkin mine, Spent, front page

the reason you see a lot of dick sucking going on, though I would add I also see a lot of really great, insightful criticism, is that there's a sort of paradigm shift when you go from thinking lyrics/poems/words should be written one way and not another. there's two sides to the fence.

this is fiction.

Quote by #1 synth
I think that the bolded the is not worth Evan's friendship.

You recorded anything recently?

I haven't. but my summer break starts wednesday. I'll record something just for you!


thanks guys. I'll take a look at pieces.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in