Page 1 of 2
#1
i saw this documentary on tv where this man went all around the world and searched for the best joke in the world.
i couldn't believe what the result was:

2 men are hunting in the woods, when suddenly 1 of the guys accidently shot the other.
he called for help with his cell-phone.
the woman on the phone asks ' are you sure he's dead ?'.
then she hears a shot and the man says ' yes , what do i do now?' .

i was sooooooooooooooooooo dissapointed to hear
that this was voted funniest joke in the world.

this is funny to me: johnny asks his dad : ' where did i come from?
'from the stork' replies the father.
then johnny says 'there are millions of women out there and you bang a ****ing stork?'

i know the people of the pit can come up something way better.
#5
Women's rights will always get me lollin'
Quote by Ez0ph
That was a different Feb08er that threatened to suck you off
I remember that


Sadly, I was the threatened.
Quote by Firenze


Let it be known that I concur with everything this gentleman says, ever.



www.myspace.com/tarsusmusic
#6
Yeah everyone agrees the funniest joke in the world suck, for some reason. I think it's terrible. And that's saying alot.

I think this one is alot funnier:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a campingtrip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
████████████████████████████
███████████████████████████
█████████████████████████
██████████████████████████
███████████████████████████
███████████████████████████
███████████████████████████
███████████████████████████
#8
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

EDIT: DAMMIT BRAINDAMAGE
#9
Three men go into a pub, one of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene plays out with a tedious inevitability.
[quote="'[x"]Huffy[x]']^ This man knows everything.

Seriously, don't even try and question him, he'll rip your face off with his awesomeness alone.
Quote by Kumanji
@ yet another win post from Vince. Kudos to you, sir.
#11
What is wrong about screwing twenty-five year olds?


There are twenty of them
#12
Quote by BrainDamage

Ahh, was thinking the same thing

Quote by hazzmatazz
youmakemesmile...

Quote by sebastian_96
Today I stole a girls tampons for being such an annoying bitch.





MUFC


My love for you
Is like a truck
Berserker.
#13
Quote by Vince Noir
Three men go into a pub, one of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene plays out with a tedious inevitability.

It's always Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman; isn't it? Where's the Welsh in that?

He's in the pub already ...
#14
What did the mummy werewolf say to the baby werewolf?
"Shut up and comb your face"


Made it myself
RULE BRITANNIA
#15
Why can't women ski?


There's no snow in the kitchen.
Posted By Joth
BassyJoey has a sweet toosh!
#18
Quote by blue_strat
It's always Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman; isn't it? Where's the Welsh in that?

He's in the pub already ...

Another Bill Bailey fan.

I almost posted his holy trinity pub joke, but I cba to type it all.
[quote="'[x"]Huffy[x]']^ This man knows everything.

Seriously, don't even try and question him, he'll rip your face off with his awesomeness alone.
Quote by Kumanji
@ yet another win post from Vince. Kudos to you, sir.
#20
i broke my g string while fingering A minor ...ba dum cha.sorry.it had to be done
Quote by Rush_fan2112
i want to walk down the streets of a very large, populized city (one like toronto, or new york) wearing a wonder woman costume and eating a stick of butter

Quote by figsandbobo
I can eat a 16" no problem.
#21
Four homosexual men walk into a bar, but only one stool is left. How do they seat themselves?


By turning the stool upside down.
I know exactly what I think I'm doing.
#22
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed one the night and the neighbours dog's barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "Fuck this!" and storms downstairs.
5 minutes later he comes back upstairs and his wife said "What did you do?"
Paddy says "I've put the fucker in our garden, lets see how they like it!"
[quote="'[x"]Huffy[x]']^ This man knows everything.

Seriously, don't even try and question him, he'll rip your face off with his awesomeness alone.
Quote by Kumanji
@ yet another win post from Vince. Kudos to you, sir.
#23
A man walks into a bar.
Ouch.
Xbox Live tag: Dream Away Rain
Add!

Quote by marko'd
dont sweat how quick your progressing, i heard that Jimi hendrix didnt get his legendary guitar skills until he was dead


Quote by Dreadnought
+ MOTHERFUCKIN' 1
#24
Can someone who knows german translate the monty python joke... i've always wanted to know what it actually said
You're So Scene Right Now ^_^


Quote by Kensai
Finally his girlfriend found out what it was like giving oral sex to fishsmelling genital organs.
#26
Quote by Random88
How do you catch a bra?


Set up a Booby trap!

At first I looked at that. Scrolled up a bit. Cracked up a little. Got to the top of the page and lol'ed

Curse my childish mind

Quote by hazzmatazz
youmakemesmile...

Quote by sebastian_96
Today I stole a girls tampons for being such an annoying bitch.





MUFC


My love for you
Is like a truck
Berserker.
#27
Quote by Open fire
Can someone who knows german translate the monty python joke... i've always wanted to know what it actually said

It doesn't mean anything:
Quote by Wikipedia
The nonsensical German "translation" of the joke (including words that are inauthentic German):

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

..
#30
Quote by Kensai
Yeah everyone agrees the funniest joke in the world suck, for some reason. I think it's terrible. And that's saying alot.

I think this one is alot funnier:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a campingtrip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."


nice one.

This is Larry The If you click him, he will give you magic powers.
srsly.


If you are not willing to die for the perfect s'more, Then you don't deserve a s'more at all.
#31
Quote by Moggan13
What's the best thing about screwing twenty-five year olds?


There are twenty of them


Fixed
360 Gamertag: NEB Vanguard

Quote by josh15742
you sir are epic in every way imaginable

i literally bursted out laughing


Quote by Kenny77
Hats off to you sir!



#32
A man comes across two genies. The tell him that he can have 3 wishes (because cliches are not beyond mystical creatures).

So he tells them his three wishes and WHOOMPH he finds himself in a mansion. He walks about his mansion, observing the marble staircases and gold statues of himself.
In his Mansion there is a harem, which has 50 beautiful women in it. So, naturally, he gets to work.

A few hours later, he thinks he'll have a walk. When he steps outside, he sees two Klan members in their usual robes burning a cross on his lawn. The walk over to him, tie his hands behind his back, beat the crap out of him, hang him, and walk away. As they walk away they take off their hoods and it's the two genies. One says to the other 'Y'know, I understand the mansion and the women... But being hung like a black man? I just don't get it...'
The UG Awards exist only to instill me with existential doubt.


For me, the 60's ended that day in 1978...

Willies. Fuck the lick and fuck you too.
#33
Little girl: Daddy, what's incest?
Father: Shut up and keep sucking.

I'm going straight to hell.
#39
Quote by FireandFlames
What's metal and full of holes?


Dimebag.

thats not funny...
Quote by Crimzin3
The Myth: Mesa amps were given to us by God, and sound as such.
The Truth: True. God is the CEO and Jesus does QC at Mesa...yup.


#40
Quote by Aborted Fetus
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
-A Lickalottapuss


Well, i somewhat Lolled
Just a Little
My Old Progressive Metal Band:
Acrasia
For fans of Between The Buried and Me, Dream Theater, Cynic.

My New Progressive Rock/Djent Band:
Wings Denied
For fans of Deftones, Tesseract, Periphery, Karnivool, Cynic.
Page 1 of 2