#1
Crit for crit as normal

Mother;
they tell me my perks are somewhat jaded;
something like I shouldn't be reading
papers like these, books like these,
or have hopes like these, cares like these.

I pick up my pen and jott these words
'cause Agard spoke to me like no-one else;
'Language is the weapon of the window seller;
the shop keeper, the bank manager -'

My mind, my world.
My love, my way.
Last edited by Craigo at May 8, 2008,
#3
Quote by skagitup
Quite lovely, actually.


Cheers dude. I started with the first stanza and dunno where it was leading me and I ended up writing about, well, writing

I need to make sure the flow is okay and to be sure that people can comprehend the link between the second and third stanza. Any comment on that?

Also, anything you need crit for?
Last edited by Craigo at May 8, 2008,
#4
I like this.
allways a fan of the shorter ones usually because the metaphors are good.
I'm still trying wrap my mind around what it's about.
hmm I find it relating in many ways
It's very good. Makes me think, and that's what I like


Love the Low end
#5
Quote by Zeelod
I like this.
allways a fan of the shorter ones usually because the metaphors are good.
I'm still trying wrap my mind around what it's about.
hmm I find it relating in many ways
It's very good. Makes me think, and that's what I like

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Agard

I have never met a speaker has compelling as him; listening to him lecture on how important the English Language actually is really makes you think. You don't need to know how to read or write to be powerful in Language.

The poem is just about, even though some people may not enjoy the same things as me or care about the same things, I'm writing down on paper for myself and no-one else. If I'm not talking to anyone, then I'm talking to myself.
Last edited by Craigo at May 8, 2008,
#6
Mmm, this was nice.

It wasn't, outstanding, per se, or amazing, but I'll echo Alex's lovely. There's nothing really wrong with it at all.

I liked the sentiments portrayed.
#7
Quote by Jammydude44
Mmm, this was nice.

It wasn't, outstanding, per se, or amazing, but I'll echo Alex's lovely. There's nothing really wrong with it at all.

I liked the sentiments portrayed.

Cheers mate. I haven't been writing too long anyway, but I'm improving all the time which is the main thing. I'll probably post here more to try to get into the routine to write more.
#8
Lovely is the word, yeah.
My only slight crits of what's there is that to me the word 'something' seems slightly out of place and I think the second and third stanzas could flow in to each other more smoothly.
Thanks for critting mine .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
Quote by DigUpHerBones
Lovely is the word, yeah.
My only slight crits of what's there is that to me the word 'something' seems slightly out of place and I think the second and third stanzas could flow in to each other more smoothly.
Thanks for critting mine .

Cheers. Got any examples or advice on how I could achieve this?
#10
Quote by Craigo
Cheers. Got any examples or advice on how I could achieve this?


I'll have a think about it. I'll be back tomorrow when hopefully my brain will be working properly.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
S'alright, I shall do. If it's not tomorrow it'll be soon .
And that Al Baker guy... just listened to his myspace and downloaded some of the tracks off his site (I'm in love with artists who have all their music for free download, it's always a lovely suprise). Love every song I've heard! Especially My Grandad Was an Anarchist. My grandad was a communist. I feel similarly though I'm no commie .
And musicians in Manchester are always... well... convenient!
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
Quote by DigUpHerBones
S'alright, I shall do. If it's not tomorrow it'll be soon .
And that Al Baker guy... just listened to his myspace and downloaded some of the tracks off his site (I'm in love with artists who have all their music for free download, it's always a lovely suprise). Love every song I've heard! Especially My Grandad Was an Anarchist. My grandad was a communist. I feel similarly though I'm no commie .
And musicians in Manchester are always... well... convenient!

Haha. I can hook you up with his stuff if you want, (beyond his myspace stuff) he has it free for download anyway. I love so much of his lyrics, I can just see so much of myself in him whilst seeing so little at the same time, it's fantastic; I've never heard anyone like him who I can relate to than him. Shame I'll never get to see him down here in lonely ol' Somerset.
#14
Quote by Craigo
Haha. I can hook you up with his stuff if you want, (beyond his myspace stuff) he has it free for download anyway. I love so much of his lyrics, I can just see so much of myself in him whilst seeing so little at the same time, it's fantastic; I've never heard anyone like him who I can relate to than him. Shame I'll never get to see him down here in lonely ol' Somerset.


Aye, I've been on his site and downloaded me some stuff! Same with me (relating but there's more to him). And hell, if I reminded you of him even a tiny tiny bit I'm bloody pleased . Anyway, I shall stop spamming this thread with talk of him since it's your poem!
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#15
I'd make the connection between the first and second stanzas clearer, other than that I'd say it's fantastic. After reading your explanation it became much clearer and it really added depth to it. I find that it's based on a topic that resonates with all readers, none of us are accepted entirely for who we are, it's part of human nature to want to conform to society's views, yet this poem is trying to stand against that. I think it's absolutely brilliant, and I love the last two lines you have put in.