#1
[Clean]
I hear, the breath in the trees,
They moan,
within a sober dream, enchanted.

The burst of their leaves,
in the wind,
draws hope in me...

[Growling]
Dawns light,
Whispered, into the orchard
to come alone...
Alone.

Weakened by,
The ever glowing light,
In the moor,
Following the lone, ebony trail
Weakened by,
the hell tainted loam,
By the lantern,
I find myself, empty.

Just lyrics I wrote a bit ago, I added the form of vocals so you can get the gist of delivery.
R.I.P. Charles Michael "Evil Chuck" Schuldiner
B. May 13 1967 - D. December 13 2001

Quote by eggsandham2
cuz ppl hate how power metal they are cuz they think its "gay" or w.e, which is immature and dirogitory
#3
not bad, but it can't compare with any of Obituary's lyrics
seriously though, i think it kinda contradicts itself "draws hope in me" but then, is "weakened" and "empty"
also, get rid of some of the comas.
i liked the hell tainted loam line.
sorry i couldn't help more. i'm trying to imagine what it would sound like, i imagine its like Opeth meets Kathaarsys??
#4
Meets Agalloch meets Porcupine Tree...

And, the lines

"follow the lone, ebony trail"

and

"come alone..."

show that the person reflected in the song is getting into the area of depression.
R.I.P. Charles Michael "Evil Chuck" Schuldiner
B. May 13 1967 - D. December 13 2001

Quote by eggsandham2
cuz ppl hate how power metal they are cuz they think its "gay" or w.e, which is immature and dirogitory
#5
hey man check the rules about titles and re-post it

*reported* for a mod to edit the title maybe?

[Edit]

My bad, I didn't pay attention to the title, sorry about that mate. I'll get round to critting tomoro when I'm back from work, as a means of apology!
Last edited by TobyFellrunners at May 9, 2008,
#6
That were pretty sweet.

-edit- I think Dawning light seems like a good song title imo.
Last edited by Runny123 at May 9, 2008,
#7
Bumpety McBumperton

...And, I have decided to call it "The Ebony Trail"
R.I.P. Charles Michael "Evil Chuck" Schuldiner
B. May 13 1967 - D. December 13 2001

Quote by eggsandham2
cuz ppl hate how power metal they are cuz they think its "gay" or w.e, which is immature and dirogitory
#8
The imagery use was fantastic - it created a very dark and eerie atmosphere. The piece was quite thoughtful, as well. Good job.


#9
Quote by Broadsword
The imagery use was fantastic - it created a very dark and eerie atmosphere. The piece was quite thoughtful, as well. Good job.




Thank you, B-Sword.

R.I.P. Charles Michael "Evil Chuck" Schuldiner
B. May 13 1967 - D. December 13 2001

Quote by eggsandham2
cuz ppl hate how power metal they are cuz they think its "gay" or w.e, which is immature and dirogitory