#1
Graduation Day 2008-

The truth is that it needs to be said
that after today
we will each open up a 'google maps' atlas,
let our pixelated lawn darts land where they may,
and follow them away,
to our own secret truths.
That after today we will
(as has been said before)
go our own separate ways.

We,
will make friends with
our own special fears,
and we will blindly sprint away from those fears
and towards our own (crudely drawn)
latitudinal lines
that will stretch clear across all of the ocean
and sound waves.
That after today we
will have sex with others
and break bread with others
and hug others and hate others
and love others and let others go
and the heavens will burn and the
universe will churn and envelope itself
and everything that we've ever come to except will
float far away.

But today,
today, in this slanted high school auditorium
we're smiling, as the rain batters the roof,
and this moment of safety,
no matter the change that will meet us tomorrow,
will always be a simple bastion of truth,
that it is possible to be happy,
and protected and
together.
And today we promise
that that truth will be with us forever. And,
the truth is
that it needs to be said.
Last edited by #1 synth at May 9, 2008,
#3
I didn't like "secret truths" and "special fears"...

alot it felt a little too forced. maybe it wasn't that way at all when you wrote it, but it read like someone trying to be more emotional about graduation than they actually are. I get the impression that you don't care nearly as much as you want to care.

i don't know, it feels quite confused.

I loved "as the rain batters the roof".. it actually brought in a specific moment, and the final stanza was all the better for it.
#4
I agree with Alex entirely.

That after today we
will have sex with others
and break bread with others
and hug others and hate others
and love others and let others go
and the heavens will burn and the
universe will churn and envelope itself
and everything that we've ever come to except will
float far away.


The second half of that passage I really can't imagine anyone feeling, I mean at the actual moment. It just reeks of style over substance, in some way. It didn't feel real.

Stop erring on the side of a detatched-emotional style. That's what I felt with this piece.

Oh, and catch.my.next.one
#5
Graduation Day 2008-

The truth is that it needs to be said
that after today
We're less than a third of the way through the opening thought
and it's cluttered. It's distracting.
Truth: Needs to be said: After today:

we will each open up a 'google maps' atlas,
let our pixelated lawn darts land where they may,
and follow them away,
to our own secret truths.
Something really bothered me about this.
At first I thought the randomness of the process
and the "cyberness" of the googling
ending in something as personal as secret
was what disturbed me.
Now I think it's the truth about truth.

That after today we will
(as has been said before)
go our own separate ways.
This bit feels added on.
As if you felt it necessary to repeat yourself
for clarification.
The apologetic, parenthetic line
makes this even more apparent.


We,
I don't care that much for the single word as an opening phrase.
But what's more unnerving is you've broken the pattern:
That after today ... (referring to the first line)
later you'll return to it.
It's implied here, but not stated.

will make friends with
our own special fears,
and we will blindly sprint away from those fears
and towards our own (crudely drawn)
latitudinal lines
that will stretch clear across all of the ocean
and sound waves.
I can't understand what you're predicting here.
We'll embrace others who share our same fears
while simultaneously running from them?
and sound waves doesn't connect securely.

That after today we
will have sex with others
and break bread with others
and hug others and hate others
and love others and let others go
and the heavens will burn and the
universe will churn and envelope itself
and everything that we've ever come to except will
float far away.
and others and others and others.
I almost liked the use of this.


But today,
today, in this slanted high school auditorium
we're smiling, as the rain batters the roof,
and this moment of safety,
no matter the change that will meet us tomorrow,
will always be a simple bastion of truth,
The wording is a bit muddy here.
Is the change a bastion of truth?
Or is today that bastion?
I can't help but feel there was a word or two omitted.

that it is possible to be happy,
and protected and
together.
And today we promise
that that truth will be with us forever. And,
the truth is
that it needs to be said.
This reads like a valedictorian who waited until the last minute.
Then panicked when writing his speech.
It wanders around a bit, looking for a grandiose meaning
within a world not yet explored
then finally settles for
the truth about the truth, whatever that means.
In this case, the truth did not set you free.
Meadows
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#6
A lot of it feels really forced and like it's not a cohesive thought...some of the time that's good, but if this was supposed to read like a poetic speech then it isn't. I liked a lot of your figurative language (the google maps part was interesting) but I think you could improve your word choice in a few places ("make love with others" sounds better than "have sex with others" IMO). Overall it has potential to be really good with some minor tweaks here and there.

I'd appreciate it if you could take a loo kat mine...here.
Last edited by flame843 at May 10, 2008,
#7
I liked it. However, personally I think it didn't need to be done, you summed it up in the first Stanza. Or, you coud pull a Bemis and explain it all in 3 or 4 lines;

Quote by Max Bemis (Say Anything)
And in no time we'll be spread across the earth,
Donning business suits to show the faceless master what we're worth.
From our Huggies to Armani and it all seems so rehearsed.
So heat my breath to boiling wax, because this spark aint coming back


I know that you were trying to make a different point than him, but yeah, it seemed too long to make that point.

I DID however like the last verse, a LOT. That was genius. The imagery and the idea. Insane. Well done.
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#8
oh, I thought I had deleted this, I wrote it drunk in the morning as a mock graduation speech that poked fun at alot of ideas put forward by graduation (did you guys honestly think I would put something as silly as "as has been said before" in parenthesis unless I was making fun of this type of writing [and invariably myself])

I mean, I know I'm incredibly melodramatic and cliche in a lot of my pieces, but jeez, this is too much even for me. Given, some of these line were just ideas I had in my head that I liked and wanted to put in (lines and waves).

However, at the heart of this, behind the melodrama and bull**** imagery, I do believe that the truth is that it does need to be said that as much as we, as a class, think this is the beginning of the rest of our lives and that everything up to this point (events, near deaths, relationships) don't matter, and that, in reality, we'll never be able to let those memories go.

But Jesus Christ guys, I cant believe Jared was the nicest guy in this thread.

Thanks all of you though, specially you SYK, no actually, you all gave pretty damn good feedback.

So thanks. I'll return to everyone but Jamie.
#9
Thanks Synth. Sorry for being a meanie
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."