#1
Killing a Chicken with a Dull Knife

A farmer I knew had lent me a hen,
and in my hand he placed a knife
that had no teeth or jaggedness -
just a smooth, spoon-like edge.

She clucked and made a bit of a racket
but ran out of breath before me -
I knelt down, held the knife to her neck
for a moment, contemplating the
enormity of my next move.
I waited for some kind of
fear to take control and tear
the knife away from her fragile neck.
But it didn’t, and finally I slit the throat

with no effect. The hen scuttled off
and went underneath the fence,
joining others in the coop.

***

Twenty-five months later I forced out a speck of blood.



Dedicated to Dylan, for it was he who inspired this piece. C4C.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 10, 2008,
#2
Killing a Chicken with a Dull Knife

A farmer I knew had lent me a hen,
and in my hand he placed a knife
That’s edge was like that of a spoon;
smooth, not sharp or serrated.
I didn't like the ending line pair
"That's" feels uneasy.
"Its" might work better.
or "with an" and drop the "was"
tbh, I think you should drop the "smooth"
completely. or at least move it
to the previous line before "like".


She clucked and made a bit of a racket
but ran out of breath before me -
I knelt down, held the knife to her neck
for a moment, contemplating the
enormity of my next move.
I waited for some non-existent
emotion to take control and tear
the knife away from her fragile neck.
But it didn’t, and finally I slit the throat

with no effect. The hen scuttled off
and went underneath the fence, joined others
in the coop; it was laughing at me.

***

Twenty-five months later I forced out a speck of blood.

I have no clue what this means.
Meadows
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#3
Quote by Jammydude44
Killing a Chicken with a Dull Knife

A farmer I knew had lent me a hen,
and in my hand he placed a knife
That’s edge was like that of a spoon;
smooth, not sharp or serrated.

I thought the second line sounded a bit weird. I mean 'placed a knife' is a bit awkwardly worded, if you follow me. 'a knife that's' bugged the hell out of me. Something looks wrong with it. 'A knife whose edge' or 'a knife of which the edge' would work better imo. The last line was alright, but maybe try switching 'sharp' and 'serrated', I think it helps the flow a bit. Your call though. The alliteration was nice and subtle, good job on that.

She clucked and made a bit of a racket
but ran out of breath before me -
I knelt down, held the knife to her neck
for a moment, contemplating the
enormity of my next move.
'the enormity'. I don't know, Jamie. I think there are better words to describe the impact of your next move, enormity was kind of.. out there. The rest is good.

I waited for some non-existent
emotion to take control and tear
the knife away from her fragile neck.
But it didn’t, and finally I slit the throat

with no effect. The hen scuttled off
and went underneath the fence, joined others
in the coop; it was laughing at me.
***

Twenty-five months later I forced out a speck of blood.

At first I started writing a crit after the 'throat' saying the last line had absolutely no effect on me and was weak, but then I read on and I realised that that was the point you wanted to make so yeah, great job on that, James. The first couple of lines confused me. I mean, why would you wait for a non-existent emotion? I take it you're telling a 'past' story in a certain present, and that that is how you know the emotion doesn't exist, but it's a bit weird at first sight, you know?
I'm not sure if I like the last line. 'It was laughing at me' sounded like.. a cheap way to end this and what follows absolutely didn't make any sense to me, I'm sorry. I think it would work better if you stopped right after coop, leaving the reader with this sense of immense failure. The laughing line seemed so unnecessary to me.


Hope that helps. I have something up.
#7
Sorry I can't post much of a crit, but I must say,
WTH!? this is awesome!


Love the Low end
#8
Hmm... I don't know Jamie...

I don't like it. Personally it just seems... whitewashed. That's the only way I can explain it. It seems overly simple. However, I am drunk still from last night (yes it's 2pm, shush) so maybe I'm just missing it.
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#9
A farmer I knew had lent me a hen,
and in my hand he placed a knife
that had no teeth or jaggedness -
just a smooth, spoon-like edge.

I have a hard time buying this. Why is this farmer lending hens?

She clucked and made a bit of a racket
but ran out of breath before me -
I knelt down, held the knife to her neck
for a moment, contemplating the
enormity of my next move.
I waited for some kind of
fear to take control and tear
the knife away from her fragile neck.
But it didn’t, and finally I slit the throat

I would cut "contemplating the enormity of my next move"

with no effect. The hen scuttled off
and went underneath the fence,
joining others in the coop.

***

Twenty-five months later I forced out a speck of blood.


I don't have anything else on this.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#10
i can't give much of a crit but that was a pretty good piece. 9/10
i didn't get the ending though, sorry.
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