#1
I cant believe you did this, you have broken me in half.
You're lying eyes, your cheating ways, your deception and your laughs.

I grit my teeth when I hear your name, I want to cause you pain.
The thought of you, you running around, it's driving me insane.

You may have been the one who hurt me worse....
But now....
I hurt you last.

I promised you this day would come, when you left me all alone.
You didn't think I had the guts when you hung up on the phone.

But now I lay here in the weeds, and watch you coming home,
There's nothing left for me to do, I'm casting the first stone.

You may have hurt me bad, it couldn't get much worse.
But now....
I hurt you last.

I filled up the machine with pleas, you didn't even answer,
I tried the handle on your door, so I could show you my disaster.

The time has come for you to know what it feels like to be broke.
You didn't have any time for me? Well, I have time to choke.

You shouldn't have hurt me bad, you may have hurt me worse.
But now...
I hurt you last.
#2
the first stanza is a great opener, the first line just sums up the entire song and is a great lead as to what comes next.
second stanza has a lot of feelings, and these feelings are told very nicely

the chorus is flowwy

3rd stanza is good
4th stanza would be better after a chorus because it gives the feeling of a turning point in the song "BUT now i lay here in the weeds".
And the rest is just priceless. choke away my friend choke away

8/10
crit 4 crit? visit my blog section
Last edited by wretchedspawn at May 9, 2008,
#3
i couldn't help but laugh, but it's really cool how you avoided cliches at all costs.
it's nice and raw, but doesn't come across as whiny which is a challenge in itself when writing about these things.


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#4
I just want to start by saying I related to this strongly. I wasn't even planning on doing any crits but I happened upon your post and couldn't resist.

I cant believe you did this, you have broken me in half.
You're lying eyes, your cheating ways, your deception and your laughs.


Beautiful cadence. The 'laughs' tops it off great.

I grit my teeth when I hear your name, I want to cause you pain.
The thought of you, you running around, it's driving me insane.


I didn't care for the second line that much. Its good, but the repetition of you threw me off a bit and the rhyme isn't terribly clever. Don't get me wrong though, its still impactful.

You may have been the one who hurt me worse....
But now....
I hurt you last.


Damn dude, I know the feeling.

I promised you this day would come, when you left me all alone.
You didn't think I had the guts when you hung up on the phone.


My least favorite stanza. 'Promised' doesn't sound like the right word to convey your meaning, and 'when you left me all alone' would sound better as 'when you'd leave me all alone' if you ask me. 'Hung up on the phone' doesn't make too much sense with the 'on' in there.

But now I lay here in the weeds, and watch you coming home,
There's nothing left for me to do, I'm casting the first stone.


Nice and creepy. I mean that as a compliment, of course . Its great, the only problem is stone and home don't rhyme, its an M and N thing that a lot of people overlook. I don't think a whole lot of people other than me would care though, rhyming Ms with Ns is a pet peeve of mine.

You may have hurt me bad, it couldn't get much worse.
But now....
I hurt you last.


Good variation on the chorus, the wording actually builds up steam here for the climax which I though was cool.

I filled up the machine with pleas, you didn't even answer,
I tried the handle on your door, so I could show you my disaster.


I don't think answer and disaster rhyme... do they? I'm don't know the technicalities. It sounds good anyway.

The time has come for you to know what it feels like to be broke.
You didn't have any time for me? Well, I have time to choke.


Awesome. Incredibly angry, yes, but writing is great for getting just these sort of feelings out rather than acting them out in real life. Great delivery with the 'choke', its like the whole song leads up to it.

You shouldn't have hurt me bad, you may have hurt me worse.
But now...
I hurt you last.


No crit. Good job!

Overall I don't have much to crit, some of the rhyming bugged me, to expand your style I would say be more creative with it, but the rhymes here are effective however cliche they might be. It may just be because I've been in a relationship that got unbelievably bad but this one clicked with me. I imagine it as a progressive rock song in the vein of Tool or something. If you have time and don't mind I could use a crit myself: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=854264