#1
just wrote this, tell me what you think, this is a very very early draft, i just wrote it, started at 7:50, its not 8:13, so like a 23 minute write.


Verse 1:

The Stars and moon shine down upon you,
glowing angelic in your light,
reflect beams have never been so beautiful,
a portrait of your eyes so bright,

Chorus:

I beg, I plead with you, I will not leave tonight,
ignoring every time you've bled,
(ignoring every time you've bled),
with nervous planning wrecking every chance I get,
some things are better left unsaid
(some things are better left unsaid)

Verse 2:

I'm trying harder not to be myself,
a cynic, nervous, pessimist.
But in your presence it is so hard to pretend,
a clumsy social catalyst.

Chorus:

I beg, I plead with you, I will not leave tonight,
ignoring every time you've bled,
(ignoring every time you've bled),
with nervous planning wrecking every chance I get,
some things are better left unsaid
(some things are better left unsaid)

Bridge:

I'm begging pleading with you,
I'm dying bleeding for you,
I'm playing every second in my head
over , I'm over this again.

Chorus:

I beg, I plead with you, I will not leave tonight,
ignoring every time you've bled,
(ignoring every time you've bled),
with nervous planning wrecking every chance I get,
some things are better left unsaid
(some things are better left unsaid)
_________________________________

Style wise I'm thinking acoustic, or maybe pop punk/emo hell i could even be screamo, oh and the () as meant to be read as either a scream, or a backing vocal, haven't decided yet.
#2
Verse 1:

The Stars and moon shine down upon you,
glowing angelic in your light,
reflect beams have never been so beautiful,
a portrait of your eyes so bright,

The 3rd line may be a bit too long compared to the rest, depends on the music. Very good though, creates a vivid image in ones mind.

Chorus:

I beg, I plead with you, I will not leave tonight,
ignoring every time you've bled,
(ignoring every time you've bled),
with nervous planning wrecking every chance I get,
some things are better left unsaid
(some things are better left unsaid)

The rhyme in 2 and 5 is very good, the echo, backing vocals i presume, will work very effectively.

Verse 2:

I'm trying harder not to be myself,
a cynic, nervous, pessimist.
But in your presence it is so hard to pretend,
a clumsy social catalyst.

It doesn't seem to have a stand out line that strikes you, I think that if you had one it would work brilliantly.

Chorus:

I beg, I plead with you, I will not leave tonight,
ignoring every time you've bled,
(ignoring every time you've bled),
with nervous planning wrecking every chance I get,
some things are better left unsaid
(some things are better left unsaid)

Bridge:

I'm begging pleading with you,
I'm dying bleeding for you,
I'm playing every second in my head
over , I'm over this again.

I'm over this again, i don't really understand that line. The repetition of I'm works well, gives a sense of urgency and trying to push out everything you can to keep that person with you.

Chorus:

I beg, I plead with you, I will not leave tonight,
ignoring every time you've bled,
(ignoring every time you've bled),
with nervous planning wrecking every chance I get,
some things are better left unsaid
(some things are better left unsaid)
_________________________________

Style wise I'm thinking acoustic, or maybe pop punk/emo hell i could even be screamo, oh and the () as meant to be read as either a scream, or a backing vocal, haven't decided yet.

Sorry if i wasn't particularly helpful, it's quite good though, very good for a 1st draft.

x
Gear List

Guitars
PRS SE Tremonti
Ltd Mh-100qmnt
Peavey Rotor ex
Crafter Acoustic

Amps
Bugera 333
Bugera 412h

Effects
Marshall Shredmaster
Line 6 MM4
Line 6 DL4
Ibanez Weeping Demon
Dan Electro Fish'n'chips
Ibanez LU-10
#3
a good set of words, i liked it, i dont have much time right now to do a full crit but ill save this spot for when i come back to do a full one.
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#4
Quote by Gwynnell
Sorry if i wasn't particularly helpful, it's quite good though, very good for a 1st draft.

x

no problem, my crits are hardly ever helpful, i just point out obvious stuff. i do need to work on the second verse mroe, and that line you didnt get was to point out that im sick of it, or "over it" again, like i've been over it before, but im never really over it.
#5
Quote by aaron6890

Just a pre-warning... this may work well as a song, but I don't have it as a song... I have it as a set of words, so I'm just going to critique the words and their lyrical impression on me, which means I may be sort of harsh on something that will work well with some music behind it.

Verse 1:

The Stars and moon shine down upon you,
glowing angelic in your light,
reflect beams have never been so beautiful,
a portrait of your eyes so bright,


Quite a good flow, though the rhyme is terribly obvious. It's on the verge of being obnoxious because of how obvious it is (obnoxious in a cliche sort of way), but doesn't quite get there. The imagery is a little over-used and boring... I mean, "moonlight on fair skin birthing a beautiful radiance of angelic....." its all been done before. But its been done worse too. So yeah.


Chorus:

I beg, I plead with you, I will not leave tonight,
ignoring every time you've bled,
(ignoring every time you've bled),
with nervous planning wrecking every chance I get,
some things are better left unsaid
(some things are better left unsaid)

This is where my problem really comes in. There is nothing about this group of words that stands out or says, "Hey I'm an original idea." I mean, "Beg and plead" is terribly overused, "I will not leave tonight" has been in every single love song since the beginning of the English language, the "ignoring your bleeding" idea has been done a lot plus it doesn't really make sense in the context of the rest of the stanza... I mean, the rest is typical "we're gonna make it" stuff and then that line is like, "I hate you."

Verse 2:

I'm trying harder not to be myself,
a cynic, nervous, pessimist.
But in your presence it is so hard to pretend,
a clumsy social catalyst.

Eh, there was little to no "flow" to discern here. The second line read horribly slow compared to the rest... the first is typical of angst rock. I do like your last line, but again I'm having trouble drawing a solid connection between it and everything else.

Chorus:

I beg, I plead with you, I will not leave tonight,
ignoring every time you've bled,
(ignoring every time you've bled),
with nervous planning wrecking every chance I get,
some things are better left unsaid
(some things are better left unsaid)

Bridge:

I'm begging pleading with you,
I'm dying bleeding for you,
I'm playing every second in my head
over , I'm over this again.

This was awfully cliche. Like I said before, it will probably sound damn good with some music behind it... and it would sell, because it is what people listen too... but as far as originality and songwriting, this is terribly bland, cliche, and generally doesn't engage me at all. Sorry man.

Chorus:

I beg, I plead with you, I will not leave tonight,
ignoring every time you've bled,
(ignoring every time you've bled),
with nervous planning wrecking every chance I get,
some things are better left unsaid
(some things are better left unsaid)



To be honest, I didn't find this too enjoyable. It wasn't awful... and I'm not upset that I read it... but I feel like I've read this song in 1000 other forms before. There wasn't anything to set it apart from the other songs I've heard and make it memorable. Sorry man, and sorry if I come off as harsh, just trying to be helpful.

-zC
#7
Quote by ZanasCross
To be honest, I didn't find this too enjoyable. It wasn't awful... and I'm not upset that I read it... but I feel like I've read this song in 1000 other forms before. There wasn't anything to set it apart from the other songs I've heard and make it memorable. Sorry man, and sorry if I come off as harsh, just trying to be helpful.

-zC

dude thanks so much for that, usually its just people posting, "Great job man" or "i get what you are saying", but you actually gave some good constructive criticism, which i greatly appreciate, it was harsh at times, but im glad you were honest, i wont hold anything against you, i know i know it is a huge cliche of a song, but in a way, its kinda what i was going for, i was trying to see if i can write a pop punk song, which i think this really fits.
thanks again man, if you want to read some of my more indepth stuff, that actually has some substance, try reading some of the stuff in my sig, the problem of pain is one of my personal favorites i have written.


EDIT: ^ guy above me, you must be new here, you its Crit for Crit, you cant really just ask some for a crit and say, "i liked yours, check mine out" doesnt really work like that.
#8
Quote by aaron6890

Verse 1:

The Stars and moon shine down upon you,
glowing angelic in your light,
reflect beams have never been so beautiful,
a portrait of your eyes so bright,

Hey, Aaron, time to crit your song.
I think i'll rhyme it just a bit, it won't be very long
I like this verse, I really do, though it is a bit cliche
The stars and moon, reflecting beams, brighten up my day


Chorus:

I beg, I plead with you, I will not leave tonight,
ignoring every time you've bled,
(ignoring every time you've bled),
with nervous planning wrecking every chance I get,
some things are better left unsaid
(some things are better left unsaid)

I like this chorus, it's pretty nice
But some things are better left unsaid
It reminds me (a bit) of Thrice
But now my brain is
(No more rhymes)


Verse 2:

I'm trying harder not to be myself,
a cynic, nervous, pessimist.
But in your presence it is so hard to pretend,
a clumsy social catalyst.

Not words you hear every day, so that's good. I think that this has potential to be a good song. Did you already write something for it?

Chorus:

I beg, I plead with you, I will not leave tonight,
ignoring every time you've bled,
(ignoring every time you've bled),
with nervous planning wrecking every chance I get,
some things are better left unsaid
(some things are better left unsaid)
Chorus same as last, it serves as a good chorus, catchy and good rhyme scheme and flow.

Bridge:

I'm begging pleading with you,
I'm dying bleeding for you,
I'm playing every second in my head
over , I'm over this again.
Eh, not my favorite, but it does the job of a bridge...

Chorus:

I beg, I plead with you, I will not leave tonight,
ignoring every time you've bled,
(ignoring every time you've bled),
with nervous planning wrecking every chance I get,
some things are better left unsaid
(some things are better left unsaid)
_________________________________

Style wise I'm thinking acoustic, or maybe pop punk/emo hell i could even be screamo, oh and the () as meant to be read as either a scream, or a backing vocal, haven't decided yet.


Good job on this song, I think it'd be great as an acoustic song. Keep it up.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

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