#1
To my surprise
I found a voice
in the shadows
behind my heart.

I'd go to the well
each day and dip a bucket
into finer thoughts
than I had ever known.

I would share
a cup with friends
and invite them
to my home.

But one day the well ran dry.

I cried for months
and it filled the well
but no one likes
the taste of brine.

These days I drink alone.
#4
Dylan, I think there's enough depression in this one,
but I'll be sure to add some spiders and death to my next.


thanks,
Em.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#5
very, interesting...
but not a bad peice...
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)
#7
Hiiiii The title reminds me of Lennon's 'Well well well' lol
To my surprise
I found a voice
in the shadows
behind my heart.
I know the last line is supposed to fit because it has 4 syllables, but I think it reads awkwardly - maybe not. My only suggestion would be "of my heart", but how much more cliche could it get? ha, anyway, you sort of personify your heart here, and say there's a 'voice' there, but then you don't mention it at all later in the piece, and THEN you start ranting about a well? What is that about? :p I mean yea it's like you didn't think you'd find love there kind of thing, but it seems out of place with the rest of the running metaphor of the well and water etc, sort of. It fits with the crying later I suppose. Just some thoughts I guess.

I'd go to the well
each day and dip a bucket
into finer thoughts
than I had ever known.
Not sure I like 'dip' as the verb there, though I do like what you're getting at, how the motion is done more gently than brutishly. The second line seems a bit long; actually, the whole stanza is a bit long. My thought would be to take out "than i had ever known" altogether, and make the first 3 lines into 4. You could probably find a way to work the idea in that you hadn't had thoughts like that before if you really wanted, but "finer" works by itself, in some ways. It would create some other problems too, but I think dropping that last line would be a good place to start.

I would share
a cup with friends
and invite them
to my home.

But one day the well ran dry. phrased a little flatly

I cried for months
and it filled the well said pretty simply, too simply i think. The parallel(ish) structure almost works against you here, reminding me of how a young child would speak, you know? You're obviously using a specific diction, so this is alright, but in this instance I would suggest changing it up somehow
but no one likes
the taste of brine. kinda neat, don't see the word brine very often

These days I drink alone. alright, a little predictable i think. I don't normally write stuff like this, granted I don't write that often right now lol. I think part of my problem with this is that it's a really general statement about something specific that may or may not have happened to you. Lately I've found that if i write with more imagery and more about something specific, or at least use details and answer 'why' etc. That just has helped me lately, might not work for you. Let me know if you make any changes to this one
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour