#1
It started half full
now its half empty
guess i didn't lose a thing
'cept my old point of view

Days and months pass on bye
and my heart seems to be getting
more and more half empty

You spilt my half full glass
its loving contents splattered
for a while my cup was void
it was all I could do to simply avoid

Finally, I decided unequivocally so
to build myself back up with some class
to fill up that same glass
'cept now this time it's half empty

And presently
I can say quite honestly
I'm tired of feeling half empty


Love the Low end
#2
It started half full
now its half empty
guess i didn't lose a thing
'cept my old point of view
good states the point of the song, makes a good analogy for what you are trying to say,what im getting is kinda a blues sound right now.

Days and months pass on bye
and my heart seems to be getting
more and more half empty
maybe add a line? more description, show not tell, make sure you describe it, dont tell it, keep that in mind

You spilt my half full glass
its loving contents splattered
for a while my cup was void
it was all I could do to simply avoid
maybe instead of split, you should say "spill" makes more sense, rhyming void with aviod? i think you can do better, but keeping a rhyme is always good, although the rest of the song rhyme so far.

Finally, I decided unequivocally so
to build myself back up with some class
to fill up that same glass
'cept now this time it's half empty
good metaphor, the glass was half full now half empty, i like it, again random rhyme, maybe your going for that, i dont know, but you should work on it, if its important

And presently
I can say quite honestly
I'm tired of feeling half empty
strong ending, works good, its kinda building up to the fine line, i can see where it would work good

overall, i feel its good, but not great, with some minor changes you could make it really good, it has a good concept, but the rhyme is off, maybe you could add some lines about equilibrium, i think that would work, where you want to be balanced.

can you check out my song? I beg, I plead? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=856571
#3
Thanks for the crit. I see what your'e saying about the rhyming.
Most of the time when i'm writing it's kind of like stream of flow. I think on this one I tried to rhyme at some parts which gets the random rhymes in there. Looking back at it I think it clutters up the meaning a little and it doesn't flow as well a it could.
Thanks man, i'll get to yours right away

edit: sorry I will have to get to it later, right now my computer is acting gay.


Love the Low end
Last edited by Zeelod at May 10, 2008,