#1
WOW, this maybe the best thing I've ever written. I'm super proud of this, so let me know what you think.

I know I owe a lot of you. I will force myself to get to everyone that I owe, I swear, and full critting this means you are guaranteed a crit in return in the next day.




Bending The Bering Straight

On a body of water, underneath
a bridge between her and me.
Blushing breath into a startling
breeze. Forgetting everything we
said, I never let her tits get
to my head. Dripping candles like
wet bedroom fucks, we couldn't get
over the dream of it all. Her feet over mine
on top of mud,
in design she was the
bitter to my lemonade. To hot
to calculate, to simple to appreciate
the grass beside the stomp,
a cough below her breast.
We held handles, barred from
the bond, the black to my bleach.
I like how she spoke. It reminded me
of June.

Then I watched her disappear,
for the sterile gauze that she
slept with never kept her safe,
the leaf she wore in her sleeve
couldn't keep her closer to the trees.
And she touched herself behind some
dumpsters for a boy. I heard from a friend,
through sick and thin, she
wore herself too thick with the smell
of old clothing. The taste of her laugh,
the sight of her face, was quick to
make a rotten apple. Feet beneath
the water, alone with no one else.
She was an asshole. I can't flower my
fingers with the thought of something
pretty, it's only my knuckles that can
make myself pity. So I drowned in the
viciousness only such wolves would
know just to bend the Bering straight.

This fuckng mouth, it denigrates her
face. The lisp on her ceiling fan, spins
faster to slur all the air around us,
Her body covered with nettles,
Undressing,
cursing,
committing mine into
the sting of every wincing pore, and we
slept outside ourselves in the gore of
conception.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at May 13, 2008,
#2
Either you wrote this in a rush or you meant all the wrong spellings.

The middle stanza was one of my favourites from you, defintiely. The wordplay and tongue in cheek bits of rhyming were cool, really made it. Awesome.

I think I preferred it to the other two stanzas because you were slightly less subtle with the innuendos. To be perfectly honest I haven't been a huge fan of you when you're using "****ing" alot, which I've noticed quite abit lately in your stuff, but maybe that's just me. It's seemed to blunt sometimes, I'd possibly go to the extent that it detracts slghtly (you know I'm not one of those guys that goes swearing doesn't belong in poetry etc), just your better in subtleties and imagery than vulgar stuff.

So, yeah. I enjoyed this, Matt. Just stop guaranteeing critiques, you're getting like synth.
#3
It's a little of both. I appreciate the comments by the way, just leave a link and I'll get to yours.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#5
well, i'm going to agree with Jamie as far as the f-bomb issue. it made some of the emotion i wanted to get out of it catatonic, and this piece was bleeding of raw emotion.

this was great.
-great-
i normally don't like to read this style of writing, but the slick rhyming masked into the flow of the lines was wicked.

sorry if this wasn't any help, it was more or less for praise.
great job, and i can't wait to see more from you.
#6
i agree with ottavist,
you worded it well, and it flowed.
lots of emotion too.
the only thing i would fix is spelling otherwise it was great.9/10

if you ever feel like reading mine they are on front page and a few are in the link in my sig.
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Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

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#8
^
there may have been some spelling errors before you edited it. but it looks like they've been fixed, so i have no idea of what these guys are talking about as far as that goes.

...
#9
WOW, this maybe the best thing I've ever written. I'm super proud of this, so let me know what you think.

I know I owe a lot of you. I will force myself to get to everyone that I owe, I swear, and full critting this means you are guaranteed a crit in return in the next day.




Bending The Bering Straight

On a body of water, underneath
a bridge between her and me.
Niiice. Well played with the title.
Blushing breath into a startling
breeze. Forgetting everything we
said, I never let her tits get
to my head. Dripping candles like
wet bedroom fucks, we couldn't get
over the dream of it all.
Well stated. Generally with imagery like that, it's bland and straightforward.
Her feet over mine
on top of mud,
in design she was the
bitter to my lemonade. To hot
to calculate, to simple to appreciate
"Too," not "to" in some places.
the grass beside the stomp,
a cough below her breast.
We held handles, barred from
the bond, the black to my bleach.
I like how she spoke. It reminded me
of June.
If you added some "June" imagery, it'd clear this up a little better.

Then I watched her disappear,
for the sterile gauze that she
slept with never kept her safe,
the leaf she wore in her sleeve
couldn't keep her closer to the trees.
And she touched herself behind some
dumpsters for a boy. I heard from a friend,
through sick and thin, she
wore herself too thick with the smell
of old clothing.
Good word play here with "sick", "thin", and "thick".
The taste of her laugh,
the sight of her face, was quick to
make a rotten apple.
I like this.
Feet beneath
the water, alone with no one else.
She was an asshole. I can't flower my
fingers with the thought of something
pretty, I like this too. it's only my knuckles that can
make myself pity. So I drowned in the
viciousness only such wolves would
know just to bend the Bering straight.
I love that line. Really awesome, man.

This fuckng mouth, it denigrates her
face. The lisp on her ceiling fan, spins
faster to slur all the air around us,
into a chorus of boos. I would change the word "boos".
Her body covered
with nettles, I became my own vertigo
as I entered the room;
Undressing,
cursing,
committing my body into
the sting of every wincing pore, and we
slept outside ourselves in the gore of
conception.

I think you could have ended this better. With the other writing within this piece, I was really expecting a "wow," spine-tinglingly emotional ending, but I just didn't get it.

Very well-written piece though, I really enjoyed it.

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POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
Last edited by DiveRightIn63 at May 12, 2008,
#10
The first two lines are kind of overtaken by the rest, but it's relative to the title, so I suppose that's fine. The first stanza's just great, don't taint it with any "June" imagery.
The taste of her laugh,
the sight of her face, was quick to
make a rotten apple.

Here I'd change it to 'quick to rot an apple' I think it sounds a little more aggressive.

The last stanza is the weakest of three I think, but by no means bad. You could change chorus of boos to howling chorus if you wanted a rhyme, but it might obscure the meaning a bit, just a thought. 'I became my own vertigo' I dont really like, I dont think it would suffer if you removed it completely.
Agghh skeet, skeet, crit me, skeet, skeet!
#11
The progression of relationships is not for the weak, and not for activists against negative change. It's a brutal mindset to bear. Beautiful.
#12
Quote by spike_8bkp
The progression of relationships is not for the weak, and not for activists against negative change. It's a brutal mindset to bear. Beautiful.



You're too kind Spike.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#13





Bending The Bering Straight

On a body of water, underneath
a bridge between her and me.
Blushing breath into a startling
breeze. Forgetting everything we
said, I never let her tits get
to my head. Dripping candles like
wet bedroom fucks, we couldn't get
over the dream of it all. Her feet over mine
on top of mud,
in design she was the
bitter to my lemonade. To hot
to calculate, to simple to appreciate
the grass beside the stomp,
a cough below her breast.
We held handles, barred from
the bond, the black to my bleach.
I like how she spoke. It reminded me
of June.

this is really good, i would never think i would like something like she was the bitter to my lemonade, but it works so well. the dipping candle to mud lines are fantastic. then the way you discribe this women to hot to calculate to simple to appreciate, reminds me of someone i know, i love we held handles and reminded me of june

Then I watched her disappear,
for the sterile gauze that she
slept with never kept her safe,
the leaf she wore in her sleeve
couldn't keep her closer to the trees.
And she touched herself behind some
dumpsters for a boy. I heard from a friend,
through sick and thin, she
wore herself too thick with the smell
of old clothing. The taste of her laugh,
the sight of her face, was quick to
make a rotten apple. Feet beneath
the water, alone with no one else.
She was an asshole. I can't flower my
fingers with the thought of something
pretty, it's only my knuckles that can
make myself pity. So I drowned in the
viciousness only such wolves would
know just to bend the Bering straight.

i like the abrupt change from the first 4 line to the dumpster
i love the use of sick instead of thin. i don't have anything else but its good


This fuckng mouth, it denigrates her
face. The lisp on her ceiling fan, spins
faster to slur all the air around us,
into a chorus of boos. Her body covered
with nettles, I became my own vertigo
as I entered the room;
Undressing,
cursing,
committing my body into
the sting of every wincing pore, and we
slept outside ourselves in the gore of
conception.

i like the first 4 lines the use of boos seems i bit weak but i can't think of a better word. i like the ending "as i endered... every wincing pore" was great
and the last line finishes off the piece well


that was a wonderful fantastic piece
im glad i decieded to give it a read
i have to come back more often

hit me up if you get a chance
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=858361
#15
i really enjoyed reading your piece
the emotion shows
to me it seemed the middle paragraph wasnt as good as the other 2
good beginning ,good ending


im proud of your work too:P
#16
You owe more than you can count, which is probably why I haven't critiqued your stuff in a while.

I'll make you a deal. Do mine, I'll do a full one on yours, and you're getting off easy cause mine is less than 50 words.
This is not a pipe