#1
this is kinda a slower rock concept song i wrote yesterday in like..10 minutes, and was looking for some opinions and ideas to make it better

what can i say, i'm moving on and it so hard to do.
i stare in the mirror and all i see is you
i lay awake at night and dream of what could have been,
but its no good because.....

i have tears running down my face
and i dont wanna feel like this anymore.
you were my best friend, you broke my heart,
did you even really care?..........I'm moving on....

I'm sitting in my bed talking to you late at night, i really tried.
you were someone i could talk to and now your gone!

i have tears running down my face
and i dont wanna feel like this anymore.
you were my best friend, you broke my heart,
did you even really care?..........I'm moving on....

It felt like my heart was getting ripped out from inside of me.
you shut me out of your life, why did i even try!
you obviously didnt want me in your life anymore.
And now i just need to ignore....

These tears running down my face that are drying up now...
Its not so hard anymore! You're not my best friend,
i cant even talk to you now, and you didnt even care that my heart was broken in two! Thats why i'm moving on.............IM MOVING ON.....
Last edited by AJS19 at May 10, 2008,
#2
Pretty awful, sorry. Never gets to the point, sounds more like you're having a casual chat with someone.
#3
I agree with Deflection...the words you use are pretty basic and its pretty cliche
#4
Quote by The Spoon
I agree with Deflection...the words you use are pretty basic and its pretty cliche


alright i suppose ill trash it
#5
yeah.
It's a powerful emotion that a lot of us have felt but you rendered it in the most basic way possible which makes it un-interesting and quite awful to say the least.

Use metaphors or similes or some other poetic devices to color the way you feel. You can still retain the powerful emotion but hook it up with clever writing which makes a common topic sound really, realy damn good.
Everyone experiences the same emotions, but it's in the way we percieve them that makes the feeling unique.
Poetry comes from finding your own voice and putting your thoughts and feelings in your own words.
I think of it like a really funny joke or story. Sure, you could just tell someone how you slammed your finger in the door like, "Hey, guess what. One time I slammed my finger in the door" or you could decribe the experience with vivid details and your anguish and pain and how stupid you were for slamming your finger in that death machine.
Get it?

edit: holy crap. that turned out something more than i expected


Love the Low end
Last edited by Zeelod at May 10, 2008,
#6
Quote by Zeelod
yeah.
It's a powerful emotion that a lot of us have felt but you rendered it in the most basic way possible which makes it un-interesting and quite awful to say the least.

Use metaphors or similes or some other poetic devices to color the way you feel. You can still retain the powerful emotion but hook it up with clever writing which makes a common topic topic sound really, realy damn good.
Everyone experiences the same emotions, but it's in the way we percieve them that makes the feeling unique.
Poetry comes from finding your own voice and putting your thoughts and feelings in your own words.
I think of it like a really funny joke or story. Sure, you could just tell someone how you slammed your finger in the door like, "Hey, guess what. One time I slammed my finger in the door" or you could decribe the experience with vivid details and your anguish and pain and how stupid you were for slamming your finger in that death machine.
Get it?

edit: holy crap. that turned out something more than i expected


good post, this man is right, besides every one has a bad peice once and i while(unless you're me, then its more than once in a while )
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Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

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Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

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"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)
#8
don't write a song in ten minutes, take your time writing them, I found that my songs are better if I take my time writing them, and then reading over it a couple times finding places to make it better, thats my only suggestion for you