#1
Spent

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this song, it is about a friend of mine...

Spent

Long time friends, tried to bring them down
life that ends, in the streets downtown

Hand injection, always hard to see
His infection, makes it hard to be

Try me out, i won't let you
Try me out, i won't bend
if i give, i will get you
but i will not be spent

Tried to fly, they just got crashed out
made wrong try, now we have to pout

Deep despair, parents that are dead
it's not fair, when he could have fled

Try me out, i won't let you
Try me out, i won't bend
if i give, i will get you
but i will not be spent

Pearl white dust, way to be in heaven
substance lust, twenty four a seven

Try me out...
#2
it was pretty good
the first 2 lines are very awkward
but the rest is great, i enjoyed this piece!
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)
#3
Yes, the first two lines is about my friend and me and how the worlds tried to crash us
#4
Quote by KenMasters
Spent

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this song, it is about a friend of mine...

Spent

Long time friends, tried to bring them down
life that ends, in the streets downtown

Hand injection, always hard to see
His infection, makes it hard to be
nothing amazing, but not bad either.

Try me out, i won't let you
Try me out, i won't bend
if i give, i will get you
but i will not be spent
sounds very important and meaningful

Tried to fly, they just got crashed out
made wrong try, now we have to pout
made wrong try? the whole last line is very weird and forced

Deep despair, parents that are dead
it's not fair, when he could have fled
much better.

Try me out, i won't let you
Try me out, i won't bend
if i give, i will get you
but i will not be spent

Pearl white dust, way to be in heaven
substance lust, twenty four a seven
also this is great i loved this little part
Try me out...
a good ending


as i said i enjoyed it.
you put alot of time into it to, i usually spend 15 mins. max but now i understand why i should put more time into mine as well.

again great piece

c4c? mine on front page still
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)
#7
Quote by DeathBySpoon
When I read this, I totally saw this being a Ska type song. Just something about the way the lyrics were delivered. Very nice job.

How do you know i love ska?
this one is a ballad though...
it goes ending with real distortion force in the and
#8
I'm guessing this is about drugs/livin on the streets, because that's kind of how it comes off.... i don't know if that's how it was supposed to be, but that's what it sounds like. nicely written though...
#9
Quote by WestNile6
I'm guessing this is about drugs/livin on the streets, because that's kind of how it comes off.... i don't know if that's how it was supposed to be, but that's what it sounds like. nicely written though...


Actually, is is about how drugs can influence problematic people...
And how strong people can fight it...
#10
Long time friends, tried to bring them down
life that ends, in the streets downtown
decent start

Hand injection, always hard to see
His infection, makes it hard to be
love the rhyme of injection and infection


Try me out, i won't let you
Try me out, i won't bend
if i give, i will get you
but i will not be spent
great chorus

Tried to fly, they just got crashed out
made wrong try, now we have to pout
not too crazy about this part, it's just alright


Deep despair, parents that are dead
it's not fair, when he could have fled
deep stuff brings more to the meaning of the song

Try me out, i won't let you
Try me out, i won't bend
if i give, i will get you
but i will not be spent
great chorus again


Pearl white dust, way to be in heaven
substance lust, twenty four a seven
good

Try me out...
good ending

all in all well written i must say, a few basic rhymes but you make it work, props to you
Last edited by Mlnwd at May 10, 2008,
#11
Quote by KenMasters
Spent

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this song, it is about a friend of mine...

Spent

Long time friends, tried to bring them down
life that ends, in the streets downtown
Seems a little awkward, but i don't know what you had in mind here
Hand injection, always hard to see
His infection, makes it hard to be
I like it, it gives a good opening, sets the tone well
Try me out, i won't let you
Try me out, i won't bend
if i give, i will get you
but i will not be spent
Simple but powerful, although i'm not sure about the 3rd line
Tried to fly, they just got crashed out
made wrong try, now we have to pout
The second line in this section is weird and forced, i'm not even sure what that means
Deep despair, parents that are dead
it's not fair, when he could have fled
Maybe change to "deep dispair, his parents dead"?
Try me out, i won't let you
Try me out, i won't bend
if i give, i will get you
but i will not be spent

Pearl white dust, way to be in heaven
substance lust, twenty four a seven
Great symbolic ending
Try me out...

Overall I think its a good piece, just needs a little touching up.

Could you crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=857376
#12
I thought most of the lines were pretty weak but, taken into account that this is a song, I can get over it.
I thought the chorus was pretty good. The flow is great, the last line wraps it up nicely and I can imagine it being sung which is a good thing, I guess.
My major problems lie with the other (verse?) lines. Things like 'deep despair', 'pearl white dust', 'streets downtown' are pretty cliché images that are overused in songs like these. You might want to stay away from them to create something more personal, more original even. I also thought 'parents that are dead' would sound better if you just said 'his parents are dead'. Also 'twenty four a seven', make it 'twenty four seven'. It helps the flow, IMO.
I did, however, like how you said 'substance lust' instead of just using 'drug abuse'.

Hope that helped, thanks for commenting on mine.
#13
Quote by phantom1
I thought most of the lines were pretty weak but, taken into account that this is a song, I can get over it.
I thought the chorus was pretty good. The flow is great, the last line wraps it up nicely and I can imagine it being sung which is a good thing, I guess.
My major problems lie with the other (verse?) lines. Things like 'deep despair', 'pearl white dust', 'streets downtown' are pretty cliché images that are overused in songs like these. You might want to stay away from them to create something more personal, more original even. I also thought 'parents that are dead' would sound better if you just said 'his parents are dead'. Also 'twenty four a seven', make it 'twenty four seven'. It helps the flow, IMO.
I did, however, like how you said 'substance lust' instead of just using 'drug abuse'.

Hope that helped, thanks for commenting on mine.


Many of you said that...
just pointing out that in this part i want to meke it more general, to point out that a situation such as dead parents could lead to drug abuse for anyone, it is like "this kid's gone a bad way"-" yeah, dead parents and stuff led him there..."
Also, i like to distinguish my sophisticated written songs and poems from my simple ones... i found out that less complicated ones can be more touching and stay deeper in the ones they are aimed to
#15
Very good, but contray to other people's opinions I don't like the chorus so much.

''Try me out, i won't let you
Try me out, i won't bend
if i give, i will get you
but i will not be spent''

I don't like the flow of it. I think the main problem is the last line personally. Maybe change it to fir with the rest of the chorus? Personal opinion only. Apart from that, great song .
Party
Pants
In
My
Come
Wanna
You?


Quote by M.B.MetalTabber
clothes, you don't want as much detail as emptybullet gave you now, do you?
#16
Quote by Empty_Bullet
Very good, but contray to other people's opinions I don't like the chorus so much.

''Try me out, i won't let you
Try me out, i won't bend
if i give, i will get you
but i will not be spent''

I don't like the flow of it. I think the main problem is the last line personally. Maybe change it to fir with the rest of the chorus? Personal opinion only. Apart from that, great song .


Damn, i was ready to propose it to my band after the singer heard me playin the chorus and said he liked it...
#17
Quote by KenMasters
Damn, i was ready to propose it to my band after the singer heard me playin the chorus and said he liked it...


Just my opinion man, don't let me stop you doing anything. It's fine as it is, but if i had the piece, that's what i'd do with it.
Party
Pants
In
My
Come
Wanna
You?


Quote by M.B.MetalTabber
clothes, you don't want as much detail as emptybullet gave you now, do you?
#18
Quote by nightraven
Spent

Long time friends, tried to bring them down
life that ends, in the streets downtown

Hand injection, always hard to see
His infection, makes it hard to be
rhyme scheme of this opening was a pain to read. the rhymes were too simplistic and expected. since you wanted the internal rhymes to be there, your focus on keeping the flow right made this seem too forced and read very stiffly.

Try me out, i won't let you
Try me out, i won't bend
if i give, i will get you
but i will not be spent
this was okay. not keen on the rhyming of 'you', it's still very basic. the 'i won't let you' also bugged me because of the content here.

Tried to fly, they just got crashed out
made wrong try, now we have to pout

Deep despair, parents that are dead
it's not fair, when he could have fled
same as my first comment. stale. this reads very choppily, the statements are just being thrown around and there's no meaning backing them up so they're stabs at the reader.

Try me out, i won't let you
Try me out, i won't bend
if i give, i will get you
but i will not be spent

Pearl white dust, way to be in heaven
substance lust, twenty four a seven
meh. 'twenty four a seven' was so forced. you're throwing random syllables into this without thinking of any alternatives, this needs serious revision. you could completely reword that last line and it would have the right amount of syllables without sounding bad. 'seven' and 'heaven' is a very overused rhyme.

sorry for harshness.
Nick.


I think it is good that someone has given me a really hard oppinion on that...
Everyone i plyed it to and read the lyrics liked it. it is great to read a different view.

But: i never ment to make it soun philosophical or sophisticated as i say above answering another crit. it is just a simple ballad writen at a time of very true emotional feelings...
What do you mean when you say about the content and "I wont let you"?
I didn't really get it...
#19
Quote by nightraven
you'd told the person this is directed at to 'try you out', then told the person not to, within the same line.


You got it wrong:
it is me speakin to the desease, challenging it to try me..
But i state that i won't let it bend me...
The meaning travels through the next lines
#20
Very deep it all flows together very well, I just think the first stanza is kind of out of place.
#21
Pretty nice overall. I don't really get some of the metaphors and what not and some of the lines(the metaphors) seem forced and I think it clouds up the overall meaning or message, for me at least.


Love the Low end