#1
this poem i wrote....well yea, its ok i suppose, but please read it and tell me what u think, constructive critismism welcome

Buried amongst the dusty alcoves
Hidden beyond the limits of mind
Where all memories will one day reside
-Have you heard of the Hall of Forgotten?
With it's clutered shelves and endless walls
encapturing, hoarding, remembering
What others cannot

The sun in my solar system, one day
will be but a pinprick in distant space,
Given time even he shall fade away
As i lament in my heart, this sorry place.
Life moves on, yet the hall will always stay

And one day I'll know it was just a dream
tenative thoughts, sunken, beyond reach
Here in the fringes of my conciousness
Whispers, fragments of what they used to be
And one last final, fading memory
Your golden hair gleaming in the sun
#2
Buried amongst the dusty alcoves
Hidden beyond the limits of mind
Where all memories will one day reside
-Have you heard of the Hall of Forgotten?
With it's clutered shelves and endless walls
encapturing, hoarding, remembering
What others cannot


Very expressive, and without rhyming. The only thing is I'm pretty sure 'encapturing' isn't a word. I think 'ensnaring' would work better her anyway.


The sun in my solar system, one day
will be but a pinprick in distant space,
Given time even he shall fade away
As i lament in my heart, this sorry place.
Life moves on, yet the hall will always stay


I really like the sun part, as a science fiction geek this is just the sort of thing I drool over . The third and fifth lines stretch out the meter a little bit, especially the fifth, a little trimming would do well here I think. I like how smooth your transition from non-rhyming to rhyming was, on my first read I barely noticed.

And one day I'll know it was just a dream
tenative thoughts, sunken, beyond reach
Here in the fringes of my conciousness
Whispers, fragments of what they used to be
And one last final, fading memory
Your golden hair gleaming in the sun


I feel 'in the fringes' would sound better as 'on the fringe', but its good either way. The 'be'/'memory' line drives the ending well.

Theres a beautiful nostalgic quality to this that I love. It gave me the feeling of speeding out of the solar system but, given the immense distances, kind of getting nowhere fast, if I'm making sense, watching the sun slowly become just another point of light. Some of the wording is awkward but otherwise I really can't think of much to crit. Nice!

I just posted my own if you would like to give it a comment. I would value your opinion : https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=857123
#3
thanks for the comment
yea the poem was about moving countries and stuff, and how things that were important to you then, wont be so important as time goes by...
#4
cool poem though you spelt cluttered wrong in the first stanza. This poem seemed to me like you are standing in a deserted room surrounded by your memories. And I get the feeling that you are moving but you are afraid of forgetting about everything that you cared about from where you are living now.