#1
I have a love-hate relationship with this one. Its not terribly original and feels really poppy, but its expressive and I felt I grew by completing it. I posted the incomplete before but I added four stanzas and reworked the first three. C4C.

'I hate to leave early, I've just got to die.
I'd sit and bull**** but my wit is too dry.'

The ocean heaves a sigh,
another day is past.
She says I'd better learn to swim,
the currents move so fast.

I wish that I could cry,
that every wave would last.
This town is a tragedy
with an unfamiliar cast.

'But you can stay, surely?
I just wonder why
you're acting so squirrelly.
Won't you look in my eye?'

'A lot has changed;
please don't question my love.
I'm just deranged;
these hands killed the dove.

My hand fit the glove so I free fell from grace.
Exiled from above, I forgot my own face.'

I turn away and say goodbye,
my head hung at half mast.
I'd stay and play if I could lie;
if the ocean weren't so vast...
Last edited by Santeria420 at May 11, 2008,
#2
Quote by Santeria420
The ocean heaves a sigh,
another day is past.
She says I'd better learn to swim,
the currents move so fast.

I turn away and say goodbye,
my head hung at half mast.
I'd stay and play if I could lie;
if the ocean weren't so vast...


Tbh, dude, these two stanzas right here(just like this) could stand alone as one of the most beautiful poems i've read on here lately.
Not knocking everything in between those two, it just seems as the rest is quite unneccessary compared to them.

but, if you didn't do it on purpose; "past" should be "passed."
Also "weren't" should be "wasn't."
Last edited by ottoavist at May 10, 2008,
#3
^^ Well hey bro, I owe it to you. Harsh or not, your crit of the first draft got me thinking about all the ways this could be improved. In fact I was going to ask you to comment on this if you hadn't beat me to the punch. Thanks!
#7
Quote by ottoavist
Tbh, dude, these two stanzas right here(just like this) could stand alone as one of the most beautiful poems i've read on here lately.
Not knocking everything in between those two, it just seems as the rest is quite unneccessary compared to them.


Agreed. I love the beginning. Rest of it is good but those two stanzas are in fact pretty amazing.

I don't really have anything constructive to say
#8
Quote by ottoavist


but, if you didn't do it on purpose; "past" should be "passed."
Also "weren't" should be "wasn't."


Actually, past works here. You just don't hear people use it this way very often. 'Weren't' was an accident and I'm glad you pointed it out.


Agreed. I love the beginning. Rest of it is good but those two stanzas are in fact pretty amazing.

I don't really have anything constructive to say


Ah, you jerk . Thanks for the good words.
#9
Quote by Santeria420
I have a love-hate relationship with this one. Its not terribly original and feels really poppy, but its expressive and I felt I grew by completing it. I posted the incomplete before but I added four stanzas and reworked the first three. C4C.

'I hate to leave early, but I've just got to die.
I'd sit and bull**** if my wit wasn't dry.'

feels forced and un-natural, consider revising

The ocean heaves a sigh,
another day is past.
She says I'd better learn to swim,
the currents move so fast.
Really like this one, everything flows

I wish that I could cry,
that every wave would last.
This town is a tragedy
with an unfamiliar cast.
I really like this one also. A chorus would be a great follow up to this verse

'But you can stay, surely?
I just wonder why
you're acting so squirrelly.
Won't you look in my eye?'
I'm not feeling the whole "surely squirrelly" thing. It rhymes but it doesn't fit

'A lot has changed;
don't question my love.
I'm just deranged;
these hands shot the dove.
This one's alright, not as powerful as the first two stanzas

My hand fit the glove and I fell long from grace.
Expelled from above, I forgot my own face.'

I turn away and say goodbye,
my head hung at half mast.
I'd stay and play if I could lie;
if the ocean weren't so vast...

Very good ending

Well there's my 2 cents
#10
Quote by guitarnoobie
Very good ending

Well there's my 2 cents

2 cents well spent my friend. I'm keeping 'surely' 'squirrelly' 'cause I "feel" it but I hope I managed to make the weaker stanzas more effective. It won't have a chorus since its a poem, though its more like a song than most of the stuff I write. Thanks for the crit.
#11
Quote by Santeria420
2 cents well spent my friend. I'm keeping 'surely' 'squirrelly' 'cause I "feel" it but I hope I managed to make the weaker stanzas more effective. It won't have a chorus since its a poem, though its more like a song than most of the stuff I write. Thanks for the crit.


No problem. Would you mind checking out my updated version Lay Her Down? Would be much appreciated.
#12
'I hate to leave early, I've just got to die.
I'd sit and bull**** but my wit is too dry.'

The ocean heaves a sigh,
another day is past.
She says I'd better learn to swim,
the currents move so fast.
I liked the first line of this....i could almost hear the oceans sighing, i also like the 3rd line as well
I wish that I could cry,
that every wave would last.
This town is a tragedy
with an unfamiliar cast.
the rhyme was nice here
'But you can stay, surely?
I just wonder why
you're acting so squirrelly.
Won't you look in my eye?'

'A lot has changed;
please don't question my love.
I'm just deranged;
these hands killed the dove.
im not too sure about this stanza, its too vague
My hand fit the glove so I free fell from grace.
Exiled from above, I forgot my own face.'
i like these 2 lines, but the ryhme could be better
I turn away and say goodbye,
my head hung at half mast.
I'd stay and play if I could lie;
if the ocean weren't so vast...
nice ending, i like the description in the second line

well its a nice piece..theres not really mush i can say that hasnt been said already
#13
^The 'dove' part is connected conceptually to something else I've written so I didn't expect anyone else to really get it. A lot of what I write kinda molds into conceptual pieces consisting of different poems and songs. I totally agree with you about the sixth stanza though, I'll think about that one.
"To be matter-of-fact about the world is to blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful." - Robert A. Heinlein