#1
I was inspired to write this song after listening to songs like Little Wing and The Unforgiven (I and II). Please tell me what you think.

edit: I expanded on the song a bit more. I added a chorus and changed the third verse. Tell me what you think.

Lay her down now,
her, time is gone
So I sing this sad
sad song

Lay her down now,
in her tomb
New born baby in the womb

Take her out now,
behind the barn
take the load off
from her arms

Chorus
Lay her down now
Lay her down
Lay her down now
Lay her down, down, down

And she sees
a light at the
end of a tunnel,
but it's just a train

Chorus
(slow)
Last edited by guitarnoobie at May 11, 2008,
#2
whoa, it is quite depressing man!!! souns like a part from some emo song by MCR...
Anyway, i dont hate emo at all, it is just how it sounds to me...
It has an America thriller breeze.
Could ya check on mine? it is called Spent, front page
#3
Quote by KenMasters
whoa, it is quite depressing man!!! souns like a part from some emo song by MCR...
Anyway, i dont hate emo at all, it is just how it sounds to me...
It has an America thriller breeze.
Could ya check on mine? it is called Spent, front page


Sure, I'd love to check yours out. I was sorta going for a Little Wing type vibe. I was actually inspired to write this song for my first guitar. Whom I (appropriately) wrote this song on. It's sort a tribute to her.
#4
Quote by guitarnoobie
I was inspired to write this song after listening to songs like Little Wing and The Unforgiven (I and II). Please tell me what you think.

Lay her down now,
her, time is gone
So I sing this sad
sad song
Quite depressed already, i think we're on the right track
Lay her down now,
in her tomb
New born baby in the womb
2 deaths? we're on a roll. I like it.
Take her out now,
behind the barn
turn your head and look away
tell yourself it's better this way
I wasn't as crazy about this stanza as the first two, i don't think its as powerful.[/CENTER]


Overall, pretty good, make it a little longer somehow, maybe add a chorus, and you could have a good piece.
#5
i have to agree with corrylb19
it is way to short but besides that its awsome
(\__/)
(='.'=)Help the Bunny
(")_(")
#6
Lay her down now,
her, time is gone
So I sing this sad
sad song


I don't get the comma after 'her' in the second line. If you pause there when you sing it its not really necessary to note that when you write it. That comma would go better at the end of the second line, since you're saying sad twice.

Lay her down now,
in her tomb
New born baby in the womb


Tragic. I hope this wasn't inspired by real events.


Take her out now,
behind the barn
turn your head and look away
tell yourself it's better this way


This kind of confused me, because before you seemed to be talking about a woman with child who died and was being buried and now you're talking about putting something down. It sounds good but I just don't get it!

You got something real good here but I think you should expand it. It sounds like you're telling two stories and the second one deserves at least one more verse I think. If its all the same story you should clear up whats happening, why shes being taken out back. I think you have a good start on what could be a very moving song. Mines a lot longer but if you'd just leave a comment, maybe some idea of how I could improve it, I would appreciate it: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=857123
#7
Read my response to Kenmasters. It's really just about my first guitar that has now run its course. But I like your interpretation though! I'll be sure to check out your piece. The comma on the second line shows a pause after 'her'. It's just easier for me to sing it that way.
Last edited by guitarnoobie at May 11, 2008,
#8
Changed a few things and I also added a few things. Read the updated version and tell me what you think.
#9
^Oh . That clears things up.

The new chorus is good. I was kind of disappointed that you took out the "tell yourself better this way" part but it does flow much smoother now. I'm not keen on the new verse though, it doesn't rhyme like the rest and sounds too much like "No Leaf Clover", though I suppose James Hetfield probably wasn't the first person to think of that.

I will pray for your guitar...
"To be matter-of-fact about the world is to blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful." - Robert A. Heinlein