#1
This one just came out the other night, tell me what you think. C4C as always.

__________________________________________
Open sky
staring down
hear you cry
in tears you drown

come here and...

(chorus)
Let your tears of gold fall upon my shoulder
let me hold you till your pain and suffring's over
cry you tears of gold till you can smile again
I'll be there till your anguish sees an end

Choke on tears
hear me out
calm your fears
don't ever doubt

Chorus

When you fall weak
i'll be strong
If it's love you seek
you can't go wrong
In my arms
in my arms

(Build up and maybe key change?)
6 days since i've seen your face
tried to make something take your place
but its empty
only empty

I wish you would... (Chorus)
#2
Sounded like a Christian Rock ballad to me as I read it. Don't know if you were going for that but that's what I heard in my head. I like how in some of the verses, the last line led into the chorus. Maybe you could try that with all the verses that are before the chorus. Also could you check out mine and tell me what you think? Mine is Lay Her Down. Would be much appreciated.
#4
Quote by guitarnoobie
Sounded like a Christian Rock ballad to me as I read it. Don't know if you were going for that but that's what I heard in my head. I like how in some of the verses, the last line led into the chorus. Maybe you could try that with all the verses that are before the chorus. Also could you check out mine and tell me what you think? Mine is Lay Her Down. Would be much appreciated.


That was kind of what i had in mind. Its meant to be a rock ballad that picks up a little in the chorus, and i am a Christian, but i'm not quite sure how that's reflected in the lyrics.
#5
I realize this is all built around the chorus, but that's the part I disliked.
Tears of Gold feels a bit cheesy.
I'm not feeling a real strong rhythm implied in the chorus
and the wording of it's last line seemed odd.
One might see an end to anguish,
but anguish would not see an end.
Meadows
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#6
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
I realize this is all built around the chorus, but that's the part I disliked.
Tears of Gold feels a bit cheesy.
I'm not feeling a real strong rhythm implied in the chorus.


^ I agree with this.
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POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#8
Open sky
staring down
hear you cry
in tears you drown

Only thing I'd change here is maybe adding "I" "hear you cry", it works better for the flow. Seeing as the first to lines have 3 syllables and last one 4. So if you change it, it becomes 3-3-4-4, if you get my drift. And maybe avoid things such as "drowning, falling, they can work in an original context but that's often not the case.

come here and...

(chorus)
Let your tears of gold fall upon my shoulder
let me hold you till your pain and suffring's over
cry you tears of gold till you can smile again
I'll be there till your anguish sees an end

You use "till" and "tears of gold" alot in these lines, but it's hard to say if that works or doesn't without the music and basic groove. And again I find "tears of gold" a little bit cliched if you use it alot in the piece. It stays beautiful if you don't over do it.


Choke on tears
hear me out
calm your fears
don't ever doubt

Again I'm not sure about the use of "choke" but that's just an opinion

Chorus

When you fall weak
i'll be strong
If it's love you seek
you can't go wrong
In my arms
in my arms

I'd defiantly change this "you can't go wrong", I think you can defiantly come up with something better.

(Build up and maybe key change?)
6 days since i've seen your face
tried to make something take your place
but its empty
only empty

I wish you would... (Chorus)



Overall it was oke, not really my thing. A few minor things that you could change, I would really even in a piece like this try and avoid certain cliched words as much as possible.