#1
I kinda like this and, of course, inspired by a true story. I'll return all the crits from my last piece when I'm procrastinating tomorrow. Thanks all for anything you can give me. (oh, and is everything I write doomed to be forced?)


Waiting for God to See Me


18th and Davis
and I'm waiting for God to see me.

Sitting Indian style on a three foot concrete block
and I'm waiting for God to see me.

I see something moving in Her window
and I'm waiting for God to see me.

It's raining, slightly, touching me gently
through the greening trees. Dark dark
cloud and bright bright
light pierce through the cross
way on top of that young brick church over there.
Through the air to my eye.
Through the cross.
And I'm waiting for God to see me.

The wind picks some torn threads of my jeans up
like a handful snake in the talons
of a great flying Something.
It gets colder and a couple more seconds closer to night.
The leaves turn and
I'm waiting for God to see me.

A jogger runs by and I can almost tell
just what he's going to say. Only he doesn't say it,
he just kept running. His feet make a nice rythm.

"Hold it right there Nietzsche"
I say under my breath
to no one in particular,
but everyone's gone. She shut Her blinds.
And I'm alone again,
on the corner of 18th and Davis,
sitting, smiling, and writing every moment down,
and I'm waiting for God to see me.
#2
Waiting for God to See Me
I don't dig content like this so I will look at technique.

18th and Davis
and I'm waiting for God to see me.
Your repeptition works quite well throughout the piece, I think. It creates this sort of strucutre similar to that of liturgical worship, and makes the piece seem like a prayer or something. It's like an "amen" after every idea. It worked.

Sitting Indian style on a three foot concrete block
"Indian Style" is too general. I don't have much of an idea of that. You mean, like, lotus? Meditation? Or something... Or with a curry? Too vague an image.
and I'm waiting for God to see me.

I see something moving in Her window
and I'm waiting for God to see me.
The capital "H" on "Her" is interesting, if it was on purpose. It's the sort of thing I know you like to do so I guess it is. You don't come back to this image, therefore comes across as rather lame. It's just sat there screaming "I'M HERE TO BUILD TENSION AND SUSPENSE" which isn't great. Holds no real signifigance. There's other ways to build tension and suspense.

It's raining, slightly, touching me gently
through the greening trees. Dark dark
"greening" is awful. If you are going to go with repeating "dark" and "light" below (which I don't tink you need to because there's enough repetition in this piece already - I know you love tha technique but still) then at least put a comma between them so it doesn't seem as juvenile.
cloud and bright bright
I'll stick with my there is already enough repetition in this piece. Surely you can paint a strong image without repeaing words for emphasis? Even it if holds a contrast such as dark/light. Idk, just felt... like something I couldn't learn to like.
light pierce through the cross
way on top of that young brick church over there.
Okay, your enjambment worked brilliantly here. That's how you build suspense and tension, not ambiguous image that slightly intrigues but never turns into anything. Although "way", shouldn't it be roads? OR do you mean "way on top" ? 'cos that sounds a bit odd.
Through the air to my eye.
Through the cross.
And I'm waiting for God to see me.
Yeak okay.

The wind picks some torn threads of my jeans up
like a handful snake in the talons
of a great flying Something.
You almmost had a good image. Except - why the elipses in the second line? It reads terribly... it should be "of snakes"... and "Something".. christ you've capitilized it which means it's important... It sounds too cynical for the piece. You don't have a cynical tone and here is a line which exudes that, with a self-satirical style that mocks poetic imagery. You need a specific thing here, something maybe relating to religion.
It gets colder and a couple more seconds closer to night.
Eh, this line was just reeking of pretension, Dyl. Way too over-elaborate something to seem poetic.
The leaves turn and
I'm waiting for God to see me.

A jogger runs by and I can almost tell
just what he's going to say. Only he doesn't say it,
he just kept running. His feet make a nice rythm.
Tense watch. "keeps running". Keeps/feet also go better. You mispelt rhythm.

"Hold it right there Nietzsche"
I say under my breath
to no one in particular,
but everyone's gone. She shut Her blinds.
"she's" works better I think.
And I'm alone again,
on the corner of 18th and Davis,
sitting, smiling, and writing every moment down,
sitting/smiling is way to predictable.
and I'm waiting for God to see me.


Well, I think the last stanza was the best written, imo. Personally I didn't take too much out of this (toldja, not my sort of content), though it's one of those pieces where you knnow the writer has something he wants to say, so there must be something there. Then you read it again or not.

You've still got these minor poetic pretensions you'll do well to get rid of. I can see myself enjoying your pieces more if they went.

Overall, a pretty worthwhile read, Dylan.



Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 11, 2008,
#4
I enjoyed this more than Graduation.
way on top of that young brick church over there.

I'd drop the first word completely. It just clutters.
Young is such a strange adjective to use for a brick church.
I like it.
Meadows
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#5
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Wow, that was a great crit. Thanks Jamie, though I would disagree with some of your points .

Damn, I might actually feel obligated to really critiquing your next one...


It would be nice, Dylan.